bren26's blog

one month later

2009-11-27T15:55:32Z

It has been a month today since I lost my Danny. Somehow it seems harder now, I guess the numbness and shock have worn off. I miss him so much! I am going back to work on Dec 7, it is too hard to stay at home alone and try to make up reasons to go outside. I don't know if I will be up to working but at least will be among very caring and supportive coworkers. I am trying to get through the mounds of paperwork necessary right now, bit by bit, it is going very slowly. I have not got anywhere near doing thank you notes but I am just taking my time and muddling through each day right now. It is the hardest thing I have ever gone through and so far still so very raw and painful.

home again

2009-11-19T19:42:48Z

I had a very relaxing and peaceful time in Newfoundland. It is so beautiful there. It was exactly what I needed, a complete break. Now back to reality. It was very difficult to come home to an empty house. Today I decided I can't look at Dan's empty chair in the living room so am rearranging all the furniture. I will still see the chair but in a different spot so hope that will make it a bit easier. I do feel somewhat stronger but am still very emotional and couldn't think of going to work right now. Just have to get through each day as it comes for now.

still hurting

2009-11-06T13:00:16Z

Almost a week at home alone and it hurts so much. I miss him so much. I am going to get away for a week on Sunday, going to visit a relative in Newfoundland where I have never been and have no memories. I do hope that will help, I don't have much interest in anything right now. Just trying to get through each day as it comes. I did get a note to be off work until December and I expect by then, I will be not want to be home alone any more. This has been a tough week and I cry all the time. I do have lots of friends and relatives who check in on me but it is not the same as having my Danny with me. I am dreading the holidays coming up.

now what

2009-10-31T11:41:11Z

Family has all gone today back to their lives far away. A friend will be with me later and until I am ready to be alone again. It just gets harder every day as each da there is a little more time to think about everything that happened. It has been such a horrible three months and it has only been three months! I still can't take it all in. He was so well in July, we had a lovely cruise around Britain and I am so glad we did do that. Then from the beginning of August, doctors and hospitals and emergency rooms and in and out of hospital. I miss him so much already. How can I go through my life without him?

it's over

2009-10-27T11:16:23Z

My Danny died early this morning. He hung on as long as he could and fought so hard to stay with me. I am lost without him.

hanging on

2009-10-26T12:03:22Z

Hubby is holding his own, not getting alot better but not worse. His blood levels are slightly better, oncologist said they would normalize on their own after the chemo starts to leave his body. His blood pressure is still very low and needing heavy meds to support it which is a very big concern. Still on the respirator as he is not strong enough to push out the air from his lungs. But he has passed the 48 critical hours. He is still very critical though.
His entire family was here to visit over the weekend and I do think he drew strength from all of them. I managed a few hours sleep so feel a little more human today. Maybe feeling different after I get to the hospital but for now, I can manage.

I do appreciate all the support from this site. It is such a roller coaster of emotions and so many shocks one after the other.

Even if he does survive this crisis, there are many more hurdles for hubby to get through. All I can do is see how he is each day, so sick of sitting in the hospital but I suppose he is alot more sick of lying there.

in denial

2009-10-22T10:11:33Z

I guess I have been in denial. Haven't had time to take in that hubby has cancer, never mind that I am going to lose him soon. Spoke to his oncologist yesterday and the next couple of days are critical. He has massive infections from the chemo and is not doing well at all. Even if he does get through this, he won't be able to handle more chemo and the cancer is very agressive so I won't have him for long and I don't think he will be able to come home again.

I am having a very difficult time dealing with all of this. Still not able to process it all in my brain I guess. Too much, too fast.

down again

2009-10-21T13:01:28Z

Doctor for intensive care just called and scared me. He is doing the same. She is so negative and I don't really like her, I would like to get him transferred somewhere else but don't think at this point that is possible. She said hubby has massive infection in his stomach area which he has had since being in hospital 4 weeks ago. His kidneys are not working well, they are having trouble keeping his blood pressure up, etc.etc.etc. Not to mention the cancer. His platelets are low from his one and only chemo treatment, his drain came out and the radiologist will not put it back because of the low platelets. He needs the drain or he will puff up again and put pressure on the lungs and never come off the respirator. So not a good start to my day.

Yesterday he seems so much better, less reliance on the respirator and perky. She asked again about me giving a 'no recussitation' order but I can't do that yet. He is only 57 and his mind is clear, he is awake and aware and not ready for that yet.

We have had good visits with family and his last brother from Montreal is planning on coming possibly this weekend so I have had quite a bit of support from them, friends have been great but at the end I am lonely here by myself and wanting him home again. It has just been much too fast. In July he was fine, now I don't know if he will ever come home again.

waiting game again

2009-10-18T18:54:15Z

Hubby is definately doing better on his respirator, almost ready to come off of it, we had thought it might be today but they say he is not able to yet. So frustrating, he is very alert and getting restless, stuck in bed all day at the hospital. He is still in intensive care and will be until they can get him breathing well enough on his own. So chemo is on hold until he is strong enough to handle it. It is pretty scary waiting and nothing happening. His family has been coming for a few daysor a day here and there from Montreal, Ottawa, Toronto and it has been great to see them and have their support. Just hard to wait for him to be able to talk to me and I want him to come home but that will be a little while I guess.

a bit better

2009-10-15T01:35:23Z

Hubby is showing a tiny bit of improvement, his oxygen levels are getting better and they are gradually going to wean him off the respirator. Finally got the drain in him today and drained a lot of fluid from his tummy already so by tomorrow he should be much more comfortable. He is very aware and alert even on the respirator and hoping to get him out of ICU and back into the oncology ward very soon. Still has loads of fluid in his legs and feet and they tell me that is not going to be helped by the drain but we are hoping by meds and if he can get strong enough for chemo again. I really want him home again. But one day at a time and he is slowly improving. Chemo is palliative but we are hoping for some good days at home. This has been so fast, he was healthy in July and now in intensive care on a respirator. Very frightening and I think we are both in denial at the moment. How can this all happen this quickly?

rough weekend

2009-10-12T18:00:39Z

We dinally have biopsy results and not good. Hubby has sstage 4 unknown primary but spread to other organs, inlcluding (just found out today - lungs and bones) liver, lymph nodes. He has spent the better part of the last three weeks in hospital for various reasons, was supposed to get out yesterday to celebrate Canadian Thanksgiving with his visiting family but ended up in intensive care with a respirator. This is so hard to deal with and has happened so quickly.

He is retaining fluids very badly and was drained once, got an infection there, picked up a staph infection at hospital and was so swolled on Saturday, he could hardly walk, never mind get into a car and come home. Yesterday he passed out and was sent to ICU. He had his first chemo on Friday and Friday went well. We had thought he would be able to get home for a little while but today looks pretty hopeless to me.

Confused

2009-09-12T00:13:13Z

My husband was lead to believe that he had pancreatic cancer, hospital said he had a mass there and it didn't look good. After a long wait, we finally saw the oncologist last week, almost two weeks now. He said the pancreas looks normal but there is something wrapped around it, lymph nodes are swollen which would cause the pain and fluid on the lungs. My husband has COPD and has gone through very rough experiences with pneumonia before, ventilator for three weeks one time. We ended up in emergency this week and they say he has pneumonia. He is still in incredible pain in his back, we are still waiting for an appt for a biopsy and ct scan. He is not eating much, also on strong pain meds which only dull the pain. How do we cope with all this waiting? How can he continue in so much pain?

I'm scared

2009-08-16T10:37:31Z

My husband has just been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and I am terrified.