blueb

6 months on

2011-03-06T19:58:44Z

It's been over 6 months since dad died. Mum appears to be coping well, I know she struggles and is obviously still grieving, although she keeps her feelings mostly private. I thought I was strong and could cope, but I'm not coping now. I had a miscarriage just before Xmas and the experience was horrible. The timeframe in getting the shock of diagnosis to the end (less than 3 weeks) was scarily similar to when dad was diagnosed with cancer then died. I found out unexpectedly that I was pregnant but knew something was very wrong. Within 3 weeks the baby died and I had a D&C to remove it. The hospital also inadvertently found a cyst on my right ovaries, which now needs surgery to remove.

I thought I was strong in dealing with dad's illness, the funeral, the looking after mum afterwards.. The miscarriage threw me completely and I'm struggling to come to terms with everything. Work wanted to promote me before Xmas and I didn't want to go through that process on top of everything else. They knew what I was going through but made me feel ungrateful not to jump into the opoprtunity. With the promotion has come extra hours and extra pressure. To be honest I'm feeling depressed, getting short-tempered with people and not coping very well.

After he's gone..

2010-09-03T16:29:37Z

Four days have passed and it doesn't doesn't feel real that my dad is no longer here. The tears have flowed (alot), but in the back of my mind I still can't quite grasp that he's gone. This feels a strange emotion considering I sat in the hospice room with dad a few minutes after he passed. I didn't want to leave him, because it felt like I'd be leaving him forever. The hospice staff were brilliant, the support they gave to my mum and I was perfect - caring, compassionate, thoughtful, attentive... I could go on and on!

One thing I wasn't prepared for was the amount of arrangements, paperwork and notifications that are needed once someone passes. Less than 24 hours we were sat in the local registrar's office registering his death. Felt very surreal. I have tried to lighten the load on my mum by writing letters, filling in forms, sorting out his finances to make sure she can afford the funeral, etc. No-one warns you that during the full force of your grief such details need to be managed.

Dad's passing

2010-08-31T16:19:35Z

Less than 3 weeks after the news that dad had terminal liver cancer, he has passed away. I cannot believe how quickly the time has flown by. He went into our local hospice last Friday and died late last night with my mum and their dogs by his side.

He went so quickly at the end, very peacefully. The last few days have been upsetting and exhausting, and I know the following days will be the same while I support my mum through death notifications, funeral arrangements and the needs of daily life. But in a strange way I'm relieved that we've reached this point, because whilst it's been a shock to lose him so quickly I'm thankful that he didn't suffer for long. And he had the chance to say his goodbyes with loved ones first.

Dad's diagnosis

2010-08-20T19:31:33Z

Just over a week ago my dad was diagnosed with liver cancer, and told there is nothing that can be done. He has been referred for palliative care.

The news was a shock. How can this reach such a point so quickly? A few weeks ago he complained of stomach pains and thought it might be an ulcer. He has had liver problems in the past. Successfully treated I thought. It turns out that wasn't the case - there was no cure before, only a delay. His skin quickly turned yellow and his GP surgery referred him to hospital. The hospital took the referral then denied knowledge of it when he turned up there! They tested him anyway and a few days later he went back for the results. To the bad news: cancer. He has only weeks/months to live.

My mum will be his carer. She understands palliative care, having worked at their local hospice before retirement. I don't have a clue; I really want to support them both, but have no idea what to expect over the coming weeks. In the last week alone he has deteriorated quite a bit, it's scary. He was sat in the garden yesterday lunchtime, I went to say hello and was stunned by how thin he's getting already and how yellow his eyes were. Without thinking I commented on the eyes - a stupid thing to do really! I don't really know what the right thing to say or do is at the moment. It's difficult to know how to act or even how to feel...