Caring - not sure i'm coping as well as people may think i am

a week on....

2011-02-20T19:43:00Z

Firstly - thank you to all of you for your kind words and support on my last post - did make me shed a tear but in a good way.

Well its just over a week since Mum died and things are just ticking on....nothing seems real and i'm bored of all the paper work. Mums funeral isn't until the beginning of March due to a back log at the local crem so got to wait until i can finally say goodbye. I'm planning on going back to work after half term, get myself back into my normal routine as if i avoid it i will never get back to it.

I've managed to do most of the financial stuff except probate which me and my mums brother are doing this week. I've sorted through a few drawers and found a few things but not yet tackled Mum's room. Don't even want to go in there unless its necessary.

Physically i keep getting headaches and thumping heart and loss of appetite which i assume is all normal not sure.....this week is half term week so got some more time to sort things out in the house - managed to tidy my room today and discovered i had a carpet!

Enough of my rambling, just thought i would update you all as to how i'm getting on

B x

Mum

2011-02-11T13:17:03Z

Mum passed away at 3.50am this morning, i was with her and it was very peaceful, she just slipped away.

I'm going through the motions at the moment, but not doing too bad considering. I have my family around me at the moment which helps and having to deal with all the formalilties today, don't think i could manage on my own

Just want to say how brave and strong my mum was and how much i love her

Beth xx

Whats happening....

2011-02-02T10:38:46Z

Well, no one can say that my mum isn't a fighter, she's still here, still very weak and not getting better but she's beaten the time that the consultant had said.

Mum is being stubborn and doesn't really like having the nurses around her which can be frustrating but i'm just going to let her get one with it. Mean while i'm up and down from the hospital and trying to keep myself busy, just finished doing the house work, i'm knackered now lol

will blog again soon

B x

end is getting nearer and nearer

2011-01-15T12:41:10Z

Mum is now in hospital - she's been in since Tuesday evening....she had deteriorated very quickly and is now struggling to breathe - they are trying to make her as comfortable as possible - but its just so hard watching her.

I know in my last post i said about the suffering and i wish it would end - well now i mean it even more - i wish and hope she feels ready to go. I always say i'm ready for it to happen but everytime something else happens and get a phone call saying mum has got worse i wobble....i know its understanding to do that and selfishly i don't want her to go but in another way i do want her to go so she can at last be at peace.

I have got some family around me at the moment that are quite pushy which aren't making things easy - but luckily they are going tomorrow evening so its just one more day till i can get on with things in my own way and deal with things my way rather than ahving to think about others around me.

Mum is now very likely not to come home, which is also very lonely, knowing that mum will never see the house again - which judging by the state its in at the moment isn't necessarily a bad thing lol but still its little old me rattling around with the cat, who obviously knows something is up.

I'm off to see mum in a bit, wish i could be there a lot more but due to stupid parking restrictions around the hospital its not possible - unless i want a permanent parking ticket lol

I just thought for those that do read my blogs that you would like to know whats going on

Beth xx

the suffering continues

2011-01-02T19:12:04Z

i don't mean to sound like a horrible person and i think deep down if people are in the same position as me think the same - but sometimes, don't you just wish that the suffering would end even if early, but just so the suffering would stop.

Before christmas, mum had a bleed in her stomach - they've managed to sort that, but she's still getting weaker - now not eating anything at all just has three drinks a day - what kind of quality of life is this? Life is just so unfair - i'm thankful i got to spend a final christmas with her and see a new year in, but we're on borrowed time and its like treading on egg shells every day.

Mum not doing so good

2010-11-15T19:16:50Z

Eurgh, how crap do i feel (probably not as crap as my mum) For about two weeks now my mum has been ill, which i fear has set her back and shorted her 'months to live' to only a few now. About two weeks ago now i would have said that she would have seen her next birthday which is in May, now i'd say christmas is a stretch now. Dr's are thinking infection - but personally i think the cancer has spread to her bowels (she has secondary breast cancer in her stomach) i just hate seeing her getting worse in front of my eyes, and being so helpless.

Another thing is that mum thinks i'm cross with her which then sent me off on a wobble (whilst at work) - how can you make someone understand that you're not cross with them its just you're frustrated with the whole situation and not being able to live your own life and watching the person you love fade in front of your eyes.

I'm trying to keep my head up but sometimes you wonder what on earth is the point - nothing is good at the moment and nothing is right

Sorry for this being so down beat and miserable, but just getting across how i feel

Stress

2010-10-16T19:16:40Z

I'm a carer for my mum who has been told she only has months to live. Recently i've started feeling very sick and occasionally being sick. I'm not ill and people keep saying its stress

Has anyone had any similar experiences? If so could you suggest ways to keep this at bay?