5 months since diagnosis and it still hasnt sunk in!!!!!

2010-09-25T19:34:00Z

Hi all, Is it just me or does everyone find all this cancer thing a blur! i feel like it doesnt exsist till my next appointment, ive relised ive blocked the whole experience out unitentially though, ive not long finished chemo and have just been given my date for the op(originally i was told i was having a full mastectomy) on last biopsy test they said theres pre-cancerous cells around tumor, but have decided to do a partial mastectomy + latisimus dorsi flap. while i have been thinking about this im getting worried that the op they will be doing will not remove all the cells and the cancer will come back. the nurses have asked if im ok but my reply to everyone is yeah im fine, after the op i will still be on herceptin and begin radiotherapy. people have told me the whole thing will hit me soon like a sledge hammer and im dreading it. believe me i do lots of thinking but nothing i could describe to anyone when they ask, i could never find the words to explain my thoughts. i feel like im just on automatic pilot with no control over anything. i know its not good to bottle everythin up and im scared i will just breakdown one day and embarrass myself. i just feel numb even after all this time....is this normal?

Abandoned by friends.

2010-08-29T16:00:35Z

HI all,

This is the 1st time i have written on this site, it just feels i have no where else to turn lately and i feel i am losing my mind more and more.

I was diagnosed end of april 2010 with breast cancer and too be honest it still hasnt fully sunk in!

In the beginning when i told people i have been diagnosed with cancer i was bomborded with texts etc no actual visits,except one friend who promised to be there through my journey, she came to appointments visited me in hospital for the 1st few weeks then just stopped, after that she started complaining and making nasty comments that it was all about me and this cancer thing is boring, and she no longer thinks about it she has more important things to think about!

I have never asked of anyone to do anything for me infact all my friends have been through some drama or another before i was diagnosed and i made sure i was there 24/7 for them always called them visited to check there ok and there late night phone calls of them telling me there problems.

But now i need them they do there upmost to make sure there busy so not to see me or take any calls, or i get come visit me if you like when they know full well im ill and unable to drive.

These are supposed to be my closest friends and we spoke daily now i never get a call On an odd occasion i got one, all my friend did was cut me off when i was talking and was going on about the sillyist thing bothering her, she is very materialistic and coming across as self centred which i never noticed before.

I have no one else to confide in and im generally a private person so the thought of attending help groups i just cant face right now.

I have just finished chemo, still on herceptin and have got mastectomy and radio next.

I just dont know whats going on in mind anymore, i see no one, and too be honest its hard to think positive. its sounds bad but i have basically spent weeks in my room drinking and smoking trying to block everything out.

I just feel theres nothing to look forward too and i dont know if i can do this on my own, i understand it might be hard 4 my friends to know what to say to me but i thought we were so close before and we could tell each other anything and it has kind of shocked me that the little things in there life are more important to them than what i am going through.

I have spoken to them and explained i feel alone and scared and the one who promised to be with me has responded by not contacting me for a month.

They know im am really struggling but choose to ignore me,they just make me feel worthless and no one would miss me if im gone.

Im sorry this is so long i just dont know what to do.