A week in the lives of Shaz & Dave

Will the sad news never end!!!!!!!!!

2012-02-26T21:50:12Z

Its been nearly a month since I have updated you on our daily "normal" life..........

Things are still good with Dave with regards to his check-ups, no signs of its return but still on 3 monthly appointments. He was hoping it would be 6 monthly now as we are nearly 3yrs post op but I'm happy with early ones. He is still battling with his depression and I have found a way to cope with him better so not many low days for me now...yeah!

Our Brother-in-law did return to hospital for his biopsy on his lung but the results were inconclusive, he then had a PET scan.........the lung is secondery.

Dave and I had been talking about the "what if's" with regards to BIL and how best we can help as they live about an hours drive away in a village that gets cut off with snow and heavy rain (The little stream bursts its banks and then your up to your hips in water).

I decided to go down to them on the day of his results....I made sure they had alot of time on their own first to take in the sad news.

In all of the 21yrs I have known Daves sister I have never seen her cry, she does but always in private.

BIL was in the field feeding the horses when I arrived, I called out to him and asked him if he wanted a coffee.........with a smile he replied "yes mate, that will be lovely"

When I entered their home SIL was standing at the sink, a big smile but such sad eyes. The only words she could muster were "its not good", I gave her a big hug and she just broke down in my arms........then moaned at me and said...."your right, you cant beat a real hug (have sent loads of virtual ones) but you made me bloody cry and I was trying so hard to be strong".

I stayed the night with them.. we had serious talks..we laughed out loud..we had cuddles..we got serious again and laughed alot more.

They are mad as hatters just like me, thats why we get on so well... She calls me witchy pooh as I always ring or turn up when she is low or in need of a chat or just that hug....she is strong, funny and very loving and my heart hurts for them, for the pain they are experiencing now.

He even has it in his bum cheek....its in his bones right side, shoulder left side....he said he lit up like a christmas tree. They told him he is terminal but may be able to give some form of treatment to prolong his life by a few months!!

Dave always said when he was diagnosed that he had a "condition" and that I couldn't moan at him........BIL told us that he was a "terminater" and should be let off making cups of tea....the humour is present and I'm sure it will remain. The humour has baffled his son, he cant believe that they are joking and acting as normal....he will understand as time goes on I'm sure.

So I'm a bit tied up right now with family, but I think of you all, every day, and hope all is going well with you.

((((((((((((((((XXXXXXXXXXXXX)))))))))))))))))))

Its been awhile and a bit hectic!!!!

2012-01-28T06:52:10Z

Hi everyone

Its been nearly two months since my last post and I dont know where the time has gone.

Christmas was great...... we went to our daughters for dinner and came back stuffed to overflowing........ Boxing Day they all came to us along with no.3 son and his partner and little girl and our latest grand-daughter and her mum.

Hubby is now having counselling with Macmillan but it doesnt seem to be helping much...could be the time of year as we have not long had the anniversary of his brothers passing.

Its also been confirmed from x-rays and a scan that our brother-in-law has a cancerous tumar on his lung. He goes in on tues for his biopsy but have already told him 6 months without treatment.

Our sister-in-law is having her bowel investigated as she has been losing blood since sept last year.

The truth is I have'nt been in the right frame of mind to come on here.....well I've looked but have had days when its been so sad I just couldn't answer anyone as I was feeling so low.

I felt that I wouldn't be of any help to anyone in their times of desperate need of support...... I am so sorry for letting all of you down. I feel awful and ashamed after having such fantastic support from so many wonderful people.

So much has been going on within the family, phone calls, visits, hospitals.......... I guess that is where the time has gone.

(((((((XX)))))))

Blimey .....2 weeks since my last post...doom and gloom gone x

2011-12-05T07:22:13Z

Blimey that last post was a bit heavy, didnt realise how down I had got. Im better now :)

A lot has gone on over the past two weeks and I wont bore you with the down bits.

We do have laughter in our lives and that is what I am going to share with you now.

Negative followed by a Positive is a good place to start I think.......

For those that dont know, Dave had the floor of his mouth removed and rebuilt, this has left him with few taste buds, limited tongue movement, scar tissue (cut from left to right ear) and obviously a lot of nerve damage. A daily battle that has left him deep in depression and me in despair on many occassions. He doesnt like taking pills...who does...and he wouldnt listen when I said he should take pain killers regular as this would help. Last visit to oncology, his surgeon told him how impotant it is to take the pain relief as obviously his mood would improve greatly if free of the pain.......YEAH he now takes the wonder pill twice a day and has been happier, along with the anti-depressants.

The Negative......he was very quiet on friday, going back into long periods of just starring into space, not talking to me. At first I put it down to the funeral the day before but as the day went on I had to ask him what was troubling him. "Hate being the way I am now"...here we go again, the downhill spirral. To cut a long story short I made him have something to eat and a cup of tea as we were having a later than usual dinner. I noticed he kept prodding his mouth....."whats wrong love"....he went off upstairs to come back shortly with a beaming smile like my old David...

The Positive......."I thought I had found another lump, its been worrying me all day, I wasnt going through another op Shaz, didnt know how to tell you"......."so whats changed Dave"......"I had to look in the mirror to see where the lump was and guess what!!!....it was a bloody grain of rice". ..."well you have always said you would never starve love as there is always something left behind"....

We cried with relief and pissed ourselves laughing, this bloody rollercoaster is never ending. So quickly our mood can change from good to bad then good again.

We went to dinner at no.1 sons yesterday. Our little star Honor kept us entertained throughout the meal with her humming the theme tune of "strictly come dancing" followed by her swan lake impression. Her test results from hospital were favourable, only 1/3 of her heart is working, she has been on new medication but hasn't had long enough to see if it is helping. The Brompton want to see her in 12 months (obviously they are really pleased with her progress) mummy cant wait that long (glass always half empty, not looking at the positive) so they agreed to bring the appointment forward, now 7 months. She has not taken a step back in any way shape or form, but too early to tell if improved much. The measurements are so tiny from one check up to the next as it has always been 4 monthly, hopefully we will see something more positive in 7 months time.

We had a great weekend, our daughter invited us for Christmas dinner, that will be a first in 21 years. Its not that she dont like us ha ha.....we had been married before, now there are too many mumd and dads, we chose to invite the kids to ours or just told them not to worry about us. It made things less stressfull all round.

The dog has broken the dog flap......she sucks her bed like a dummy, she has been on medication which gives her a new lease of life which in turn reverts her to a puppy on many occassions. This other day she decided to drag her bedding into the garden through the dog flap.......hope there is a spare £45 for another one ha ha.

What is the purpose of our lives!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.....(Its not a funny post)

2011-11-22T02:18:34Z

Its been a shite week, not health wise for Dave or me but for family and friends........

It started last Tues...............

Daves younger sister rang to say that her hubby was going in for a scan that day, x-rays showed large shadow on his lung, consultant mentioned cancer......bastard. They now join that dreaded waiting game we all hate, he is fine with it.....not having treatment, had a good life (71)....toured the world in his younger days on the racing bike curcuit, had his own bike shop when he had to retire from racing...sold that and moved to the country to live his dream of having a bit of land with a few animals to look after......her dream is him. She is in turmoil, thinking she may lose another brother when Dave got diagnosed was bad enough.......

The same day my niece was in court charged with endangering her disabled daughters life.....she had a breakdown...Ive been with her for every meeting, assessment, supervised when she has had visits with her other kids...given her so much shit when she tried to end her life as the enormity of her actions hit her...Ive advised, hugged and told her off when she has slipped into self pity.....Ive always supported her and will continue to do so.....

Thurs...

Daves other sister (mother of said niece) was rushed into hospital with a massive heart attack.....thankfuly she is doing ok but that put fear in us all, please not another one leaving us..

Sunday, day of rest.....

Dave received a call asking if it was true about his best mates son.......at the same time daughter rang me to ask if we had heard.......Daves best mate, lifelong buddy, his 20yr old son had died in the early hours in a car accident.......

my heart hurts....

So, I ask again "What is the purpose of our lives" !!!!!!!!!!!!

Ive watched my Mum grieve for the loss of her sister, brother and husband to cancer..... all in the space of 4 months.

I watched my lovely Dad turn into Tango Man in just a few hours and knew the time was near and that I realised I couldn't keep him any longer. I layed beside him to keep him warm and stroked his head for as long as I could while Mum put the bloody kettle on.........I should have known she was in denial, she thought that if he was at home she would be able to make him better. I was so mad at her for trying to join my Dad a couple of weeks later, it took a lot of shouting and screaming to make her understand that I was grieving too......I had lost my wonderful, loving Dad......my boys had lost their wonderful, loving Grand-dad......even now after nearly 22yrs my eldest gets upset that he never had the chance to buy his Grand-dad a pint of beer out of his first wage packet.

I watched my lovely cuddley Mum slip away from me due to Alzheimers and then go into a diabetic coma and not return......right now I want a mummy cuddle and I seem to be wanting them more as I get older.

I broke away from a shit abusive marriage and Im very sad that my boys had to endure that time and carry the emotional scars of it.

Ive watched my eldest sons 1st born nearly die at a day old with multi organ failure and stand there, unable to do a bloody thing to help her.....watch him break the news the next day to his wife, all our hearts breaking into pieces......help with the battle that followed to get my beautiful grand-daughter where she is today.......born 4 weeks early, under average weight and height, only 1/3 of her heart working, she will be 5 in April, she has started big school and does everything at 90 miles an hour...she is amazing.

My bad boy, no. 2 son.....sexually abused, found out a week after his 7th birthday. Never felt pain in my heart like that before. Although he doesnt remember, he became a little git after that, always got found out when he was being naughty.....told him to give up being bad cos he was no good at it.....inside now for 4yrs....he has brought so many tears, worry and heartache over the years but I love him so much.....once the baby, always the baby I guess.

Why is it that all the bad things that happen are so heart-wrenchingly painful......why cant I just stub my toe and say..."ouch, that bloody hurt"..then forget about it.

I want to be a happy nanny, sitting in my rocking chair with our youngest addition snuggled in my arms, protected for as long as possible from the pains of life.....

Do we have a life plan made out before we even get here?......I was rejected at birth, even before birth actually, but was scooped up by the best Mum and Dad in all the world......

Is there some sick bastard up there watching us and thinking..."oh she coped with that well, lets chuck in another family member with cancer...heart attack....abuse....car crash.......

I feel at times that all my life has been a bumpy road, an up hill struggle. Over the last 53yrs Ive dealt with a lot of crap and come through it......Ive cried buckets writing this and there is pain in my heart from the past and for the present, so what have I learnt from my life experiences?????

What is the purpose of our lives.......fuck knows, all I see is pain, my pain , their pain, your pain......

Im not broken yet.....just out of salts and a few spoons....and....

LIFE STINKS WHEN SHIT HAPPENS

What a busy day, but good news

2011-11-13T05:46:01Z

In my rush to pop in before my M25 trip I forgot to mention about the glass shelf !!

I wanted this lovely mirror for the bathroom that has lights above it with a socket for his electric razor and 3 thick glass shelves, it was very expensive (£450) but it was the final finishing touch to our newly refurbed bathroom.

All I did was take the hair brush off the shelf.....honest guv....I didnt even touch the bottom shelf....it just fell off!!!!! Being toughened glass it only chipped on the corner as it hit the little shiny peddle bin. Mouthwash, tooth brushes, toothpaste all spilled across the floor........loud bang that set the dogs off barking and Dave slept through it all.

So off I go, collect SIL on the way.....bloody woman, you give her a time and she still isnt ready so while Im waiting I set the Sat Nav up.....and we are off in my shiny electric handbrake hire car. Hospital appointment is at 9.15 so should make it in plenty of time. WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!

M25 down to one lane due to accident, we moved 2miles in 1hr 20mins. Had to ring hospital to let them know we would be late...."do you think you will be here by 11am"....I bloody hope so.

The Sat Nav.....it decided it didnt want to play anymore....I tried to tell SIL what to do with it (couldnt throw it out the window, I needed it)...but she touched something completely different and fucked it up....I grabbed it and durring my efforts to amend put the bloody thing on silent, all done in a hurry as the traffic started to move. A few miles later I said "Im sure thats the exit we need"......"no" says SIL "she aint telling you to turn off"......then that big light bulb came on....oh fuck. Pulled off at next available exit and found out I had put the damn thing on silent ha ha. We finally booked in at 10.45.

Hi..... mmm another lump....prod, poke, twist, bend, big prod..."ouch, that bloody hurts there"....right ok we will see you in 9 months, may need another op, see how it goes and if it gets much bigger or causes problems. ring us, bye. So 5mins with consultant and being told Im an interesting case, rather my foot is, and we are off home. Going home always seems much quicker, less stress I suppose.

Tried ringing Dave to let him know I was in the area....no answer, I presumed he had already left for his oncology appoinment. He rang back, we arranged to meet at car hire centre. Off we go to his appointment. Parking is a mare at Maidstone Hospital so he jumps out and I try and park. Walked into waiting area and its packed out. See some familiar faces and some newly diagnosed, you can tell by the look on their faces, disbelief, shock, trepidation, eyes darting around the room, hands fidgeting, trying to avoid eye contact with the ladies that are bald or wearing a head scarf......its strange that....you can see a bald man and not think twice about it, but when you see a bald lady....He had bought me a cup of tea bless him and told me they were running 20mins late. Hadnt even finished my tea when he was called in.

"Your seeing Mr Newman today Dave"...he is the man....top dog....."hows things Dave".. explained about the depression and the pain he is suffering in his neck and how worried he is that its back. "where is the pain, is it general or in one place.....ah, that is nerve damage Dave, as you can appreciate we had to cut a lot of nerves, what happens is the ends sometimes mend like a mushroom, I know you dont like taking pills but you need pain relief, pain will lower your mood and make you feel very unwell.....(thank you Mr Newman, I have been trying to explain that to him for over two years)....checked his neck and in his mouth, no signs of any infection or lumps ...YEAH. He has a new pain killer to take twice a day, consultant said it may take up to a week to work but take them. I can tell you with honesty he is taking them and last night he said the pain is easing...YEAH.

He also said that if he had realised how bad the op and after effects would have been, he would never had agreed to have it done..... so for all the shite and let downs we have felt, and hating seeing him in destress, and I know its selfish of me, but Im glad he didnt know before hand....cos I probably wouldnt have My David with me now.

We never asked enough questions in the begining...well I wanted to but he wouldnt let me......He still doesnt ask enough questions, but at least now he realises one of us has too, and he is happy for me to do just that.

It was a good day all round really.

Hugs to you all and good days xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hire car ,M25 and Hospital Appointments !!!!!!!!!!

2011-11-08T05:30:43Z

Well its early and Im popping in quick while drinking my cuppa and getting ready for the off!!!!!

M25 here I come.....oh, and the dartford crossing, tunnel ok but sister-in-law screams going over the bridge....might shove her in the boot, mmmm.

My poorly poorly car is still poorly....... I have a new shiny......not to keep of course, but it is bloody big and flash, or should I say new......did you know they have cars with automatic handbrakes? They do, Im driving one today....the lights are automatic too....GET IN....sorry Lm, just like that so much :)

I hope to be back from my visit in time to go along with Dave to his check-up. I wont speed as Im not sure of the car yet, well maybe after 2hrs getting there I will be set for a speedy return......ooooooooooh I can feel the footy devil already.

My thoughts are with Sunny today and Annfran and her husband Nev

Safe journey to all

Shaz((((((((XXX)))))))))))

Are the pills working!!!!!!!!!!! mmmm maybe.

2011-11-05T16:09:07Z

Hi all, just thought I would give you a run down on whats kept me away for sooooo long!!

So are the pills helping....yes I think they are. He seems a bit more mellow but still able to function. He does seem to get tired quicker....is that the pills or the depression or the effects of "c" ??????

As the colder days draw in, his speech is failing him, this leads to frustration cos I cant always understand what he is saying. He also suffers a lot of pain too from the cold. He still agrees that I should come in on any Dr's appointments as in the week he had to go to GP on his own (I was at another surgery with my 4 1/2 yr old having her flu jab done). I wanted him to get his back checked out, it is probably muscular but it has been giving him grief for a couple of weeks now.

Anyway, he couldnt hear what she was saying half the time even though he told her his hearing had deteriated since RT. He has a pain in his head (just above his ear) that he asked her about....it has been checked out before and onco think its all to do with nerve damage, he just forgets things sometimes.... "Oh not sure what that is, you havent had chemo or anything so"......bloody GP. Well good for him, he told her in short sharp words that if she paid attention to what he had said and read his bloody notes instead of guessing she would see he had 6wks of RT. Again he felt let down and now refuses to go back..... I will give it till Monday then talk to him about another appointment and I will go with him.

We went away in the caravan for Halloween..spooky..It was bloody cold and wet. Dave kept his scarf on which does help but he wouldnt agree ha ha.

Our daughter came too as she was organising the Fancy Dress Halloween Party, we hired the barn next to where we pitched.....my grand-daughter and her friends prepared the barn....spooky hanging things, talking butlers, green witches, ...it looked fantastic. There was curry and chilli and Dave made a big pot of onion soup.....I organised games for all to play...we had a great time, I even had a couple of rums followed by some very nice port....

Now I have to say I have never known Dave to dress up.....maybe because our girl was putting so much into it, it helped him to get into the spirit of it......He went as a Zombie, he had our grand-daughter rubbing mud over his face and clothes to make him look more appealing ha ha....I went as a witch, cos I am, even had a talking broomstick ha ha.

We had a really good night, plenty of food and drink, lots of happy faces, young and old. Good music too, my friend and I had a dance-off with the grand-daughter and her friends, couple of gate-crashing dad's joined the kids but what can I say.... We won, the oldies...yeah !

Why is it when your nearly 53, pissed as a parrot, you think you can do the bump like you did when you was 20......couldnt move next day...not the hangover, just the joints wouldnt work.

F.A.C....our fat awkward cow of a dog has been to the vet again with yet another skin complaint, bank account £164 lighter.

Car went for MOT.....failed, about £200 to make it better....might be going to the scrap yard ...

On Monday our 1st born Grand-daughter will be 18.....where have all those years gone?

On Tues Dave has onco for check-up, not worried this time, that feels great....Im setting off at 7am to travel for 2hrs to RNOH Stanmore for my check-up on my lumpy foot. Hope to be back in time to go with Dave as his appointment isnt till 3pm

So Ive wrote alot of poo really, just another week in our lives

Shaz (((((((((((XXXX))))))))))))))

The Mental Health Team Appointment !!!!!!!!!....As I thought....Upped the pills

2011-10-22T12:17:01Z

Sorry its been late informing you of what happened....

So last Thursday morning we go off to the hospital to see the MHT....very good on arrival, only waited 5mins, and we were a bit early.

Two guys sat asking Dave how he was feeling and what they think would benefit him.....up the Mirtazapine to 45mg.....do you agree David.."well yes, whatever you say". In steps the angry, frustrated cant believe this shite wife.

Firstly, I want to know what is it that you actually want to achieve with David, because from where Im sitting its ..fuck all. Last night he was so distressed about this appointment because he thought you would say he is ok to go back to work, followed by a sleepless night for both of us. He cant make a bloody simple decision of what to wear. The thought of returning to his job with the wellfare of ex amount of men and machinery was just too much...

Ah, you rang with concerns last week Mrs....... Yes I did, I am at my wits end, I appreciate the need for the pills but not happy that you are going to up them again, Why !!!! then what !!!!!!

Well Dave had told them he got very angry with me for being in his way, not that I noticed much cos I always get in the way......well he did do a big sigh and walk out of the room. They asked if he was violent towards me because of it....NO HE WASNT. They then said "so you feel that David benefitted from the counselling, we dont do counselling, our aim is to make sure he will not harm himself or others and feel he needs to have pills upped to get him to a happy mood. We are happy with Dave and will discharge him from our team today.

WHAT JUST HAPPENED!!!!!!!!!!!........ok now Im not happy, where is the back up plan, so he just has pills to sit on the end of the sofa spaced out...not bloody likely.

After a few more choice words this is MY plan for Dave and they agreed. Strike one for the wife.

Daves anger can rise from calm to flaming red haze in a split second so cant go back to work yet, they agree...... Not happy about the pills but if I feel he is too spaced out I can ring them to have them reduced again, they agree. .......He needs counselling as well as the pills, they finally agreed.....

We also agreed between the four of us that Macmillan should be first port of call as he is struggling with the way he has been left after his horrendous surgery, so rang Deb to get him in (he told me this morning that I was meant to ring her yesterday, he forgot) and will ring her Monday now to see whats happening there. Next should be berievement counselling, still cant get over the sudden loss of his brother (this also comes to play with work, they worked side by side for over 35yrs) and have asked him before to do that one. Angermanagement if after the other two he is no better.

I feel let down, Dave feels sod all. He is becoming acceptent ...is that a word....of things their not doing, but I wont give up. He is talking to me more about how he is really feeling and thats a big step for him.

Together we will do it, cos Im not going away, I love you, you bad tempered, stroppy, frustrating, messy 6'2" shell of the man I married. MY DAVID. X

Feeling strong guys, and that is down to you lot ((((((((((((Mac Family))))))))))))) cos when I feel like shit and want to cry, and do cry you are there with a shoulder, a tissue, words of comfort, hugs and much much more to help me on my bumpy road.

A BIG THANK YOU xxxxxx

After the tears and a few days away...........

2011-10-19T01:17:44Z

Well after the tears had stopped and the phone calls made....a few cross words and the upset, we talked for hours.

I flipped out a bit...lost all control... became a blubbering mess for a while which upset Dave tremendously.

Both back on track now, he now knows how his depression is affecting me also....if he is having a down day it drags me down too....been going on for months and I just filled up and overflowed. With all those tears I never shed a single bloody ounce.

Debbie (Mac nurse) has rung to let me know what happened with her attempts at getting some info on Mental Healths aims at getting Dave on the right track........Bloody useless bunch of w*****s. Told her the same info as me....dont have councellors in there department but happy to discharge him if that is what he wants. Basically they either section you for ex amount of days or dish out pills that they up on your next visit. What a load of bull.

Going back to his councillor isnt that easy either....Debbie was told that he may not get to see his old one as her work load will have already been planned out...

So I explained all that again to Dave..big sigh, sad face...can see the worry creeping back on his face....also explained that if he wanted to speak to a Macmillan councellor that could be arranged and appointment made within 10 days, either way he will have to see someone new. He wasnt over the moon at the prospect but understood and said "will try anything to get me out of this hole".

Now I have to point out something about My David........LM gets shiny things, Sunny drinks Gin out of a teapot......I get poo from the dogs, shit machines.......and when Im upset and Dave notices (well he couldn't not notice this time) he wants to treat me.....so I got two Harry Potter films to add to my collection, Im just a big kid at heart :) Then we went away for a few days in our caravan.

The weather was fantastic. We ate good food, had a good book each to read, had long walks...well he did with the little dog, f.a.c wouldn't walk once she had done her business, laid in bed Sat and Sun morning watching the rugby, he even dried up...WHAT I hear you gasp!! I can count on one hand how many times he has done that.....always had a kid at home, then a dishwasher, a real one :) Daughter and son-in-law came to see us and Dave was planning another weekend away with them for Halloween, having a fancydress party as it has escalated to about 15 vans coming away Ha Ha.

Came home yesterday, very tired cos we did nothing really except chill. Still relatively happy until earlier this evening......f.a.c of a dog upset him.

What I am about to tell you is seriously not funny...............much!!!

Dave decided he wanted to make some pasta parcel thingys, him and flour have a wonderful time around my kitchen....anyway I have to help too, so, There I am holding the pasta as it comes out of the rolling machine, out the corner of my eye I see f.a.c raise her head then move back quickly....not thinking much about it I continue my duty. When he went to lay it over the back of the chair.....yes you guessed it..f.a.c had nicked his previous length of pasta, gone in one gulp, pmsl but very quietly. Did put a damper on the rest of the evening which is sad because before the depression he would have been angry at first then laugh about "what a little cow she is" 10 mins later.

Thursday he is at Mental Health in the morning and Im going with him yeah! He never asks questions and that was one of the things I pointed out to him, we need to know what they will do, can do... go to this appointment, see what happens then we know what steps to take after.

Tomorrow is another day, probably the same shit but hey ho

love to you all xxxx

A month on in our lives

2011-10-12T05:17:17Z

Here I am still trying to find my way round this new site....just another thing to struggle with through this journey ....not a happy post Im afraid, so dont mind if you dont read it. Dave has gone backwards with his depression.

The month started off ok, Dave had a few really good days.....he was more interested in things and has done a bit of cooking too...he makes lovely pies and his curries are just mmmmmmmmm!!

We now have a caravan fridge that works again, and I might add is still in one piece in the van ....just. We also have new security lights fitted front and back of the house. Oh and he fixed our water feature, the pump had broken and we have tried for months and months to get the same pump without any joy. So now we have a new pump and he added new lights too...It looks fantastic. He is rather clever with making things and I couldnt praise him enough, it also lifted his mood to the point that I had My David back for a while.

We have a new member to the family too....no, not a dog (phew , big sigh as hands pressed together in an upward position while mouthing the words "thank you"), we have a great-nephew, 8lb 10oz . . ouch that must have hurt . .he is the first boy born for quite a while to carry on the family name so lots of joy there.

Now he is back to sitting at the end of the settee all day watching t.v .....not even watching the box really, just going off into space while looking as if he is watching t.v.

What happened you ask.....what didnt bloody happen.

If you have got this far I will explain briefly for those that dont know....Dave is 2yrs post treatment but has been off work again now for 6-8 months with chronic depression....He is on tablets and was having counselling. Cat (his counsellor) was working very hard to help him and he did seem to be coming towards the light at the end of the tunnel.... Lots of talking and tears and late nights, but I was happy to sit with him and listen....he told me things that I never knew about him, sad things in his childhood and how the "C" had made him feel worthless and not the man I fell in love with and married. (To be honest that part has been said many times). My heart has cried so many times for my man, why cant I make him better ? ?

Cat said she needed to refer him to the mental health team at the hospital as he seemed to have gone backwards with his mood....so now a new path to walk had started, and his counselling had to stop because its different departments or some sh*te.

His first appointment was cancelled after waiting 30mins as they never had the staff to see him. His next appointment was an assessment and he had to draw the shapes he could see, what was his name, do you know where you are..that sort of thing. Well he came out of there like a man possessed and so frigging angry. I tried to explain its the way they assess people but he wasn't listening.....needless to say we had a bad night which continued for nearly a week.

His 2nd appointment was going much the same way but this time he came away with more anti-depressents and to return in 2 weeks.

3rd appointment and they have upped the pills to be reviewed in 4 weeks. No appointment date this time.

His mood is pushing a wedge between us...I dont want to listen to his moans and he doesnt want to look at my miserable face. Im really struggling to be upbeat all the time but the walls are wearing thing, the cracks are begining to appear. Yesterday I was so low myself that I just wanted to run away...I didnt of course. I feel so bloody angry and let down and I know Dave is feeling the same, he is so angry at everything.

His brother took him out for a couple of hours yesterday and after a good cry I got on the phone to the mental health idiots. I explained that he is due back around the 20th but hasnt got an appointment date... I also voiced my anger that I felt they have neglected him, upping his pills with no other support was not what we expected. I was put through to the duty staff. . .1 up from the receptionist I think....and was told that the "STUDENT" Dr,...a bloody student..., was off till Monday but would get him to ring with a time and date. I ranted " not good enough, what exactly is the roll of your team?, how do you intend to help my husband because at this moment in time I feel you have done nothing except up his medication? what is the next step? Her reply was "if they feel he is coping ok on the medication they will discharge him"......... WHAT !!!!!!!!!!! What about counselling ...."oh no, we have no counselling".....so Daves appointments with Cat have stopped because he cant see both departments at the same time, mental health team are only interested in him if he wants to harm himself or others so give out pills to calm.....what about me, because I want to go and smash someones face in right now.........what a bloody nightmare, a shambles, back to square one. I explained that since his counselling had stopped he has gone backwards and her reply was "if he chooses to discharge himself", which he can, "because he feels counselling would be more beneficial to him then he would need to be refered again by his GP". OMG, Im at the end of my tether, Im bashing my head up against a brick wall yet again.

I then rang the counsellor, the receptionist was (very helpful indeed) very understanding and said that the quickest way to get Dave back with them would be to see GP asap and get him to write directly to them, they could then get him back on their list but would still be 4-6 weeks before he would be seen, much quicker than being refered as it goes to a different office first which could take 4-6 months before Cat would get to see him.

Im so bloody fed up with it all, I cry nearly every day now, as his mood gets lower so does mine. Dont feel I have much more energy to fight anymore let downs.

After all the phone calls I sat in the garden doing a David...looking into space, not thinking anything really, just looking up at the sky.....probably hoping in my sub-concious that someone would "beam me up Scotty"....unaware tears were streaming down my face, the dogs sitting at my feet when Dave came back. I try damn hard not to cry in front of him, it upsets him so much when I cry....but I just couldnt stop today.

Im still crying as I right this. I had to tell him how his depression is affecting me too, how his low moods bring me down too, how I dont know what to do to make him come out of it, to make him better.....we strive endlessly to make the injured better, neglecting ourselves in the process, our needs and wants are put on the back burner until all is well again. I cant afford to hit the deck as My David needs me and I need him to come back to me. I dont need counselling because I know what is wrong with me..with us. I am in mourning for the old David, I want My David back the way he was, He is also mourning his old self, he wants to be back the way he was. We know that cant happen, Cancer has changed that forever, I know he isnt the same man I fell in love with and married (twice) but I need, we need.. ...we need to build on what we have, because we still have each other however hard this journey will be, we will travel it together.

And I have you lot too, which Im so thankful for xxxx

Dont worry, I will be better tomorrow or sooner :)

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Mac Family))))))))))))))))))))

A week in the lives of Shaz & Dave !!!!!!!

2011-09-10T19:24:35Z

I just wanted to see it in writing what a "normal" week we have had, well just over a week......

It started last Friday 2nd Sept, it was our old friends funeral.....actually a day of celebration as lots of people came, people that we have known for over 35yrs.......don't need to explain about funerals and meeting up with long lost friends. We hadn't been to a funeral since the death of Daves brother just before his diagnosis so were both a bit apprehensive, me more so as it always brings pain in my heart at the loss of my Mum and Dad even after so many passing years. But it was a fitting tribute to a wonderfully loving and funny lady and we were pleased we decided to go.

On Saturday morning I went to see my Bad Boy.....having a holiday at Her Majestys Pleasure, believe me when I say a holiday, wont go into that one but its not a bloody punishment even if it is my son in there..... On the way I collected my 2yr old grand-daughter and her mum. We had a great couple of hours, more so now that he is nearer home, less traveling. .........In the afternoon we had a BBQ with more of the family, the weather was fab...got a call to say my nephew had broken his leg at rugby, looking at up to 8months off work as needing an op on it... lots of food and drink and the last one left about 1.30am. Had a good sleep too, what a perfect end to a perfect day :)

Sunday lunch time I dropped Dave off at the club as he had arranged to have a drink with our lovely son-in-law.....while I went for a cuppa with our daughter. Our soon to be 15yr old grand-daughter Courtney asked if she could stay the night as she missed the BBQ.....so we went home and cooked dinner, picked Dave up about 4 and had a relaxing evening with our special girl. She is so helpful, nothing is too much trouble for her..she is thoughtful and funny and I love her to bits. Her plan was to stay until Tuesday but a friend was having a sleepover and she wanted to go but asked if we minded, bless her.

Monday...checked calender...bloody hell, no appointments....tried posting a message to Madge but it wouldnt work....No.1 son rang to see if I was still alive, followed by....."mum, if your not busy,do you think you could", the norm.

Tuesday and Wednesday ......tried making some curtains, failed ....needed to be with niece at meetings over her childrens visiting, thats not a normal thing thankfully it will all be sorted soon.

Thursday.....Daves Birthday and our Anniversary...I was so good...I actually remembered to get the Anniversary card this year without being prompted......Dave forgot :) :) :) I still cooked him dinner, I think he only said it was nice to get himself out the s**t :) Daughter, son-in-law and 2 of our girls came over with cards,chocolates and wine. Lots of phone calls too. Dave has gone a bit "fruit and nut" at the moment but the card his brother sent was hilarious............This is it ;

Brother

Ever noticed how in every FAMILY

there's USUALLY one person who's shockingly NORMAL....

........We should get ourselves one of those!!!

Friday.......YEAH !!!!.... Little My got a 1.......cried for joy at that.....text annfran...had another good day.

Saturday......did boring food shopping ....took dogs out for a long run, much appreciated by them, I was knackered. Spent most of afternoon and evening on Macland. Now going to snuggle up with Dave to end another normal day, bliss :)

PS. missed out the bits about me wetting my knickers cos you lot already know I do that, its the norm for one reason or another :)