_Pansy_'s blog

Dreading the new year

2009-12-28T07:00:33Z

I am really dreading the new year, I just really wish we could stay in 2009 it feels like I am losing more of Bill I know this sounds weird but I just can't get rid of this feeling ! The days are just merging with one another and I find no comfort in knowing the years to come are to be spent without him , how can anybody say time is a great healer when time is the thing that Bill did not get.We were not ready for him to go(is anybody) we thought it was beaten,we thought we were the lucky ones (how arrogant were we) but it can happen and rejoice if you are the lucky ones I wish you a long and happy life, live it, keep facing the sun,remember that you have a right to smile and be happy living your life ,you are a symbol to others that it can be beaten and for them not to despair but fight it with every fibre of their being.

2010 !!!! The first year that I will be without the love of my life how am I going to manage without him ,life is empty without him and so cold and hard, I have lost my soft place to fall on,and the voice of reason in my life without him what is the point of anything.

Feeling really sad and I miss him so so much.

My wonderful daughter

2009-12-25T18:39:11Z

I have to write about our wonderful daughter her name is Gillian but to all who know her it's Gin,well I was dreading today and really only wanted to stay on the sofa and just sleep the day away,Oh she was not having any of that,she got up early and gave me a present that is so special that only she could have thought of it, it was one of those digital photo frames and she had filled the card with pictures of her dad and know what I laughed,cried,smiled and was happy to remember the times that these photos brought back,times when cancer was not in our lives when we had a future to look forward to,the three of us on our journey of life ,she has not had an easy time herself in the past couple of years with depression and only hope she knows how much we both love her.So thank you for everything Gin and I am blessed to have you as a daughter. With love mum X X X

Time goes by....

2009-12-14T20:48:00Z

Well as christmas looms ever closer I feel like my heart is breaking without Bill. We really thought he was going to beat this disease, but it was not to be.My life is now a lonley and dark place with no light at the end of the tunnel.I will never hear his voice again it was big deep sexy ,that was the first thing I fell in love with ,then his sense of houmor funny and twisted in the way only a man you love get's away with like the time he called me to say get dolled up we are going out for dinner so I got myself ready and he picked me up only to tell me he had a little errand to do first so he stops outside a chippy nips inside comes out with a big bag and camly puts in to the boot then drives for about ten miles and says this layby or the next one dear! I won't tell what my reply was suffice to say the air was blue lol.His ambition in life was to own a shop and he eventualy got his dream ,of all things a small antique shop then he went in to second hand furniture which I am now trying to keep going, to be honest I really do not know anything else after working togther for the last twenty odd years ,the shop might have to go though as I am finding it just too much without him . I have my memories of both good and bad times but given the chance would do it all over again with him at my side,he was my hero, the only person who made me feel whole ,safe and loved and I am very proud to have known him and to have had his love .

Bill I love you xxx

Nora x x x

Sadly he passed away 19Oct 09

2009-11-28T12:19:41Z

Today Bill has his last shot of chemo ,he has had the Ivor Lewis op on the 29thApril 2009 plus three chemo sessions before and is now on his last session post op,what happens now? We have planed a holiday which we both are looking forward to so why am I feeling so scared ! I feel as if I am just waiting for the return trip to the roller coaster that we have been on for the last year.I am trying to smile and think positive thoughts but after all that we have been through it is really hard,I am worried that when the chemo stops the cancer will grow back quicker than it originally did even though I know the primary tumour was cut out with the op, but his lymph nodes after biopsies were found to have been infected as well, so you can see why I am so scared even with the chemo it still managed to get to the lymph nodes .Sorry for the doom and gloom but just had to give voice to my worries , I don't normally feel this way so have no idea why it has kicked off now when we should be looking forward to the future. hope all who read this are having a good day or as good as it can be . Nora x

Sadly he passed away on the 19Oct 09

2009-11-28T12:18:06Z

Today, well yesterday my husband Bill had his operation,he had cancer of the gullet, the operation seems to have gone to plan,he is in a bit of pain so morphine is his drug of choice at the moment. Havent slept at allso going to bed now I will post later to let everybody know how he is getting on. Pansy