6 weks that changd th way we are ???

bac again

2011-09-17T05:44:48Z

hi im bac this is all so hard, i find it hard to write , even though i have wanted to over the last week , but it seems now that i don,t have anything in common as i cant talk about cheo as mum hasnt been offered any . sorry guys i know that you have all heard it before but i feel im drowning with all this , sorry if i have pissed you off but this is my worst scenenrio come to life . i cant imaginne mum not being around ay be in a years time . Y ES I KNOW BUT I DONT KNOW THIS . I dont feel positve. all my life i have put my mum through hell im not a bad person i just had a shit life , its only the last 15 years when i met my lovely husband and haave aa wonderfful teenage daughter that i have done some thing positive with my life . since mum has been diagnosed with in curable lung cancer this all seems to be ebbing away . i struggel ith mum leaving as i haven,t given her a good life she does know i love her but we have never discussed any thing with her . mum rings me now acting just as normal and i pretend im ok realy i want to say to her do you realise your dying and know im not ok . yes i know the next bit sounds realy cruel but i wish she had just died . Im such a bitch aint i every one one on here is so posotive and i love you guys fior it but i aint . over the last few weeks my daughter has been very supportive and im thankful for that im waiting for the mental health team to get back to me ,they dont hurryt as i have been waiting 3 weeks ,. yeh i dont talk to my famil;y about how i feel it reached crisris point on thursday and i told my husband if he wants to know anything to ring my doctor as then it takes the pressure off me ass i find sorry guys i cant talk to him about my past life never have and never will he never new me about previous life. weel im not going to write any thing else at the moment sorry im not like every one else i have tried but needed to write this down oh yeh i might have been a right bitch all my life but one thing i will always love my mum and be grateful that she has always tried lovee you mum forever and always xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx if people are realy disgusted of what i have writteen im realy sorry please let me know and then i will kno i have over stepped the mark and i wont come o n here again love you guys and i wish i was a stong as you all please keep it up you will survive

so hard

2011-09-09T02:17:23Z

Hi all thanx for being around . Im glad alot of people r getting good news and help . sorry im still strugling and feel realy angry as i cant seem to accept that my mum might not be around soon , I go to see my own gp twice a week as my reaction to mums untreatable terminal lung cancer is rely scary and he is realy concerned i cant let myself think of her not being around when ever i speak to her or see her she sounds so bloody normal . Last nights conversation was Dorothy house contacted me today I WANT TO SHOUT OUT go away mum always talks matter of fact like she hasnt heard a word any one has said . any way back to me i feel totally shut down my gp wants me to see the mental health team ass my life is becoming a mess the antidepressents he gave me didnt work he has given me different one s and yes they work,i actually slept for 4 hours wow. funny isn,t it i didn,t the word cancer until recently and will never take it for granted i do think one day i wmight feel normal and grateful much love tracy thanx guys for being around xxxxxxxxxxxx

6 Weeks that changed my life ?

2011-09-07T02:07:00Z

This has felt like 6 weeks of hell .My mum is just her normal self , i spoke to her on the phone last night while i was waiting for my daughter to attend st john ambulance, and she said her legs didn't want to work this morning for ages but for me not to worry as she is ok , pretty pissed off as i would have gone straight over. Don't understand as it's only lung cancer shes got and her legs should be fine. Still feeling dumped by the sevices , no treatment plan , i rang mums macmillans nurse last friday , still waitng for her to ring back you never know perhaps none of this realy happened , off to see my gp latter to give him grief. It still feels that i wasted all those years growing up not appreciating mum properly and now it might be too late . Iwas a right tearaway growing up, but always loved her sorry mum you will forever be in my heart and with all the energy i have got will fight all the way , its a bloody battle though. any way blogging off now need coffee write again later tracy xxxlove to you all