These title things are hard!

13 minute read time.

When it comes to the title of these posts, that's where I like to be creative. It's the one piece of a post that's made up, and I like to be a bit creative with them - like the title of the whole blog - but today, there is no creativity for a title. Today, there's just a load of emotions that keep on escaping out of my eyes. I think it's mostly exhaustion that's going on, but there's a load of bad news being piled on top of each other right now that's also taking its toll too.

Sleeping isn't happening particularly easily at the moment, and I've no idea why. lol. I'm tired, I go to bed, I fall asleep, and then I toss and turn all night in a restless sleep and am wide awake around the 6am mark. Sometimes I roll over to try and get some more, because F that! Who gets up at 5 or 6 am if they don't have to? Crazy people! That's who! And let me tell you - the dreams you get in fitful sleep are some of the craziest that you will ever have. Specifically, when you wake up, go to the loo, then go back to bed for more sleep - that's when they come for you. I remember them for a bit, and then the details fade and just leave me with that uneasy feeling of 'how weird was THAT!?' There was definitely a couple about weddings and babies - weirdly I was the bride and mother. Not sure why as there's nothing like that on the cards at the moment, and probably never will be. Plus, I do know some weird stuff went down in both instances, and while I remembered tham at the time - I've no idea on specifics anymore. I was also in space, as an alien. Then there have been some sort of monsters, but the sort where everything seems normal and you go about your life, but there's something not right about the people. Then there's been my favourite /sarcasm sort where you know you're dreaming and you wake up, but you're still dreaming. Inception style. You think what I write here is creative and a bit weird? You should SEE my dreams! lol. So of course, no full night of sleep - not regularly anyways - makes for tired Lass! Which then means, especially in this heat, that I can't stay awake through the day.

So, last Fri to Sun I was dog sitting for a friend. Not my bed, not my sofa, which meant I couldn't get comfy. Her house is set in a lovely part of Leeds, with loads of trees and such around it - which of course means birds. It was ROASTING last weekend, so I had her windows open while I slept - also because FRESH AIR with no cats trying to leap out of the window to explore the 'big room' they can't normally get into. This meant that the birds in the trees started their dawn chorus at some ungodly hour and woke me up. Car alarms? Fine. People shouting in the street? Fine. Glass being smashed outside? Fine. Cats having a hoolie party? Fine. Loud music? Fine. Peace and quiet and birds? Nuh uh! I'm not used to them so my brain registers the noises as 'unusual' and 'different' while I'm asleep, and so wakes me up. You just get used to the noises of your own environment and those become normal and everyday. So anything that doesn't fit in, means you're woken up to see what it is. Good old fight or flight response eh! So, that was a couple of early mornings and bad sleep to start with. Then the lack of comfort meant there were no naps available, as well as being anxious about the dogs and constantly watching them to make sure they were ok and there were no accidents of any sort.

So after a weekend of little sleep and being constantly alert, when I got home Sunday afternoon and into my own spot on the sofa, then got covered in cats who had missed me........ I was out like a light. Monday I was up early again, and then had two separate 5 hour naps through the day. lol. Tuesday I went and got my arms butchered by a nurse trying to take blood. Seems the vein in my right arm has collapsed, so hopefully the one in the left has recovered from its collapse enough to now take the brunt of the blood tests again! After that, I took a wander to an amazing.... Turkish maybe?...... bakery and treated myself to some baklava, rolls, and cheese tomake for lunch. Came home, ate, fell asleep until about 7pm. Spent the rest of the evening trying to tidy and clean the areas a visitor might see - bathroom, sitting room, and kitchen - and got about half done to a standard I wasn't ashamed of. Went to bed and set my alarm for 10am, hoping for a lie in....... No dice. Woke up at 6am, and the cats thought this was AWESOME, and did not want to go back to sleep as it was a glorious sunny day. So got up and pottered a bit, even managed to have a shower! Well, I had to. I was stinking up the place. lol. Had another roll and cheese, for lunch while finishing off my tidying - lots of sit downs needed as I was suffering on Wed - and by 12pm I and the house were fit to be seen by outsiders.

The house was really stuffy, and the fan I have just wasn't cutting it. So I decided that what I needed was fresh air from the outside! Usually I can open my living room window a crack and the cats sit with noses shoved out and all is well. HOWEVER. Stinkbug has found out that if he pushes with all of his might, the window opens further, and becomes big enough for him to slip through. And if he can get through it, so can Ladybug. Snugglebug on the other hand, bless him, is a bit bigger than them. So I walked into the room to find him struggling to get his ribcage through the window, and a quick 'Ah! What do you think you're doing?' and he reversed pretty quick. Though I did then realise the other two were already out, so had to nip out and cat herd. (Despite the saying, it's actually easier than it sounds. Though it depends on the cat and their mood....) So, on went their little jackets, on clipped their leads, and then those were attached to the metal gate outside with the door wide open. I also opened the back door too, that way I got a wonderful through draught - and some flies. Then at about 2, a friend came round - hence the cleaning - and we chatted, and chatted and chatted. I haven't seen him in person for 3 or 4 years I think it must be now. Goodness! No wonder it wasn't until 7 that we suddenly realised the time and he had to nip off. Of course for me, the cleaning and the cat wrangling on the leads and then the being 'on' and sociable had drained me. So I fell pretty much straight asleep in my chair. Though, I did and do feel a little guilty about how I got him to visit. We'd been chatting at the weekend, and he'd been asking if I'd been baking much recently - after telling me about how he'd just fallen into the career I worked hard to get into and then health stopped me being able to get into it, soI was a little bitter - as we had often shared tips and pics of things we'd made. He caught me at a bad second, because without thinking too much, I just vented at him about how lonely and isolated and frustrated at not being fit and healthy, etc I was. So I kinda feel like I guilt tripped him into coming round, which isn't great.

Then Thursday, I had a lovely day. Managed to sleep until 10am - Whoo hoo - though after napping late the night before I hadn't been tired enough for bed until about 1am, and then hadn't slept until about 3am. So, it was't so much a lie in as just a shifting of the normal restless hours. Didn't do much in the morning, but was picked up at about 1pm and taken out for a drive and an ice cream and a sit by the river. It was lovely, and I forced myself to potter round some shops too. Though by the time I just got along the river to the road that went into town - I was done in. Literally a 2 min walk at the max, on a flat and level surface. It's why I pushed myself to go further, because that's just ridiculous and I'm so very sick of being so knackered and sore! Walked round two streets and one shop, and then needed to sit down before I fell down. So found a bench and sat looking at some pretty flowers in a nice little square, then had to head back to the car as the icecream, sit, tiny walk, and sit had taken almost 3 hours!!! So off we went in the car and picked up my glasses that were now ready, and then into a TK Max to check out shoes as my trainers are falling apart. Of course, as usual, nothing that looked nice for my boats - size 9 - other than one pair that were £35. TOOOOOOO expensive for me! But on the way out did spot some tops that were my size - OMG - and that weren't expensive. Tried them on, and liked one of them - so got it and another that was the same range just a different pattern. So now I have sleeveless tops to help me not overheat! Whoooooo! (I'm wearing one just now actually). Really felt exhausted, hot, sticky, and in a lot of pain - but couldn't resist the Pets at Home. So drive to their door and nipped in to pick up a new toy for each pusstat as well as some treats, and then it was homeward bound and straight to sleep again - after dropping my aunt a message to check she was doing ok after her surgery.

Friday...... well, Friday I was walking like a woman over 100 years of age. Bent over double, couldn't straighten up, there were pins and needles in my feet and ankles every time I tried to put any weight on them, I was bleeding ALL day again which meant frequent trips upstairs togo to the loo, and all sorts of other issues. Luckily nothing was planned, because if there had been then I would have had to have cancelled. I had done far too much and pushed myself far too hard the previous couple of days to manage anything. And the days were lovely, so they were worth the pain. And this is what a lot of people don't get. There's a pay off for everything I do right now, so I need to weigh up if doing x is really worth y - where y might be pain, or exhaustion, or both. They just see me cancelling, or turning down invites, or not being 'on form', and they just don't understand. It's where you sometimes wish you could have a camera crew follow you around 24/7, not for broadcasting, but just to give you a copy of toshare with pertinent friends and family so they can see exactly what life is like and how it is a fine balancing act where you don't know all the variables. Because you don't know what might make you tired one day,but do it again another time and you're fine. It's weird.

Then we have today, and today kinda started out ok, then got fab, and then became awful. I headed out just after 12 to go and help fit costumes to the cast of an awesome youth opera group. The place the costumes were being fitted wasn't too far away from a nice sushi shop, so before I went I had decided that I would treat myself to some for lunch/tea today. So after we were done, I headed up the road. Now, if I'd not been craving sushi for a couple of days, hadn't been looking forward to it all day, and could almost taste it - then I'd have probably given up halfway there. In fact, I don't even think it was halfway there tbh. lol. In total it was 0.2 of a mile, or a 3 min walk according to google. After 82ft, I was done. But...... Sushi. So, I got there, got my sushi, grabbed a bubble tea too, and then called for a taxi. Got home, tucked into it all, and had to listen toStinkbug complain LOUDLY that he wasn't getting any of whatever it was that smelt amazing. Tough luck sunshine! It's all mine! Well, most of it. I'm too soft. A piece of salmon off one of the Nigiri was kept aside and split into three pieces, and each cat got one piece. And of course, Stinkbug had to be restrained so the other two could eat theirs in peace - but boy did he struggle and moan that they got more than he did...... (They didn't)

This is where things take a turn for the worse. 3 bits of suckage in fact. 1 - a friend's cancer markers have suddenly doubled, which means he needs to get back onto chemo asap. 2 - A different friend has been diagnosed with bowel cancer of some sort. They can see the growth, they've taken a piece and tested it and it's def cancer, but he's getting more tests next week to see how far it has spread and what stage it's at etc. 3 - Looks like a third friend's new baby might have Down's Syndrome, so is to be tested to see. That's a lot to find out and process in the space of 4 hours, hence the leaking at every single sentimental/emotional thought or experience. Sowatching TV was out, listening to music was out, and so I came here and wrote this - and it's helped. No leakage at the moment..... well, that reminds me......

TMI warning..... Seriously, TMI. Step away now if you know what's good for you!

My bum has started to leak! WTF is that about?! I know that my pain killers do funny things to my bowels and the whole waste management process - and we've had a few workers strikes in the past - but this is a new one on me. I go to the loo to do a poo, and it might not all be evacuated in one go, and there's a tiny piece left. Sometimes, you can feel it there, just slowly receding back where it came from. But it's just too small for your muscles to push at, and so it creeps back in like an evicted drunk at a bar sneaking back in by the bouncers. There's absolutely nothing to be done about it, so you just have to clean up and go. Problem is, those bouncers find that drunk, and little by little, when you're not even aware of it, they throw it out again. Alternatively - keeping up the analogy (Is analogy the right word?) - everyone is in the bar having a great time, and you're not even aware there's someone in there getting drunk, and they slip away out the door without anyone noticing until suddenly someone wonders what happened to Larry. It's just a little, totally unnoticeable, until you go to the loo and look down at your knickers and wonder what happened? You don't need a poo, and you felt nothing happening, but the evidence of something having happened is there in the stain and you feel dirty, disgusting, and ashamed - though you shouldn't, because it's not your fault, it's just one of the medications interacting with something you ate, or some gut bacteria, or a unicorn..... Nothing to be done other than to clean up and go on like nothing happened. Or turn it into a silly blog post to scar some folks with...... ;) Told you that you should have run away when you could!

So yeh, that's been my week this week. Busy, for me, knackering, painful, and emotional. How has yours been?!

Anonymous
  • Hi Lass

    Sorry you've had such an exhausting week - I feel exhausted just reading about it!!. Mine was largely taken up by my first Zoledronic Acid infusion. They didn't tell me how bad it would make me feel. Back on my feet, kind of, now though.

    Your TMI description is spot on!! Made me laugh!!

    xx

  • Glad it made you laugh! It's what we all need at times like this. Especially if you're watching the news right now. :(

  • I was about to go to bed when the news came through. It just got worse and worse. Bl**dy murderers.

  • I often "like" posts to acknowledge reading them but at the same time not sure "like" is appropriate!

    You certainly have had a week and then some! They say things come in 3s and sorry that you have even more things to concern yourself with.

    On the plus side....looks like the weather is cooling which hopefully helps everyone who suffering with the heat.

    As for the poo situation......my friend has a similar problem which the doctor has helped her with so you are not alone.

    I truely hope you have a much better week.....keeping everything crossed.

    X

  • Lol. To be fair, it was busy but it was good. I really enjoyed Wed and Thursday, and the costume fitting and the sushi. So it was worth the being knackered. Just the influx of bad news was a bit much for a moment, just on top of being so knackered. Writing it all out helped calm my mind a bit so I could compartmentalize it all and sort it out. And I'm ready to be there for anyone who needs me again.

    This coming week I have something planned for Tuesday, Wednesday and Sunday. Tuesday is here, so I need to pick up my living room again, as Snugglebug has done his gerbil act on a cardboard box, and I have a pile of recipe books I've had out to put away again. Lol