Ooft that was a rough few days. Thought my head might actually and literally explode a few times there, but I made it through with the help of my old friend.... Gin! (Remember to drink responsibly folks, and only over the age of 18 - your choice if that's you or the bottle ;) )
But there was something I was thinking about the last few days, and it's music. Now, don't get me wrong, there's a lot of rubbish out there at the moment, both old and new alike. Then it heads upwards to just ok, ok, alright, good, excellent, and outstanding. But the funny thing is, all of those terms are relative from one person to the next. But not just that, from one mood to the next.
My 'go to' music has always been Musical Theatre. I like that there's a story that you can really get into and sympathise/empathise with, and that along the way moods and themes can change, covering every single emotion it's possible to have. I also like to sing, or at least hum, along with tunes, so the fact there is almost always a good tune and a couple you can properly belt out helps too. Before all the cancer rubbish, I used to perform in am dram musicals, so I had a voice. But the lack of using it and the operations on my neck have meant that it's suffered a little bit. But when I'm in the house by myself, where only the neighbours can hear - but not see - me do I care? Do I fu.... ;)
However, the other style I really like is what I call new metal. I've NO idea what the correct term for it is, because there are so many terms and genres these days that life is too short to get caught up in lables. I like it because there's still a melody there you can sing along with, there's none of this ridiculous screaming and growling going on, and the lyrics are a little darker and angrier than you get in the musicals - which can be lighter and fluffier, though there are a few darker ones out there. I guess then there's also country music. I'm not sure if I can really call myself a country music fan....... but I am a Nashville fan. (The TV show) The songs that are sung by Clare Bowen are my definite favourite, and are often found on repeat as they are slightly sadder and a little melancholic, but have an underlying stregth to them. Black Roses, for example, really resonated with me.
I can often be found on you tube, just jumping fromone song to the next using the suggestions bar, seeing what else is out there beyond my 'go to' areas. Or if I hear a clip of something on one of the radio channels on TV - Kerrang is my choice there - then I google it using the lyrics to see what it is and who it's by. There's so much out there, out of your comfort areas, to find and even if you maybe don't like everything by an artist, there might be that one song that catches your attention and holds it.
At the same time, music changes depending on your mood as well. I've been known to google for lyrics containing a word in them, then I have a read through to see if it's the emotion or feelings I'm wanting to express. If it is, then I you tube it to see what they've done with the tune to go along with it. The amount of times I've found really beautiful lyrics, been really excited to add this song to my play list, and then the tune has just been MASSACRED is just unbelieveable!! But then, you listen to a piece of music one day and get something from it, then your mood or outlook changes and the next time you listen to that piece of music, the entire meaning of the song has changed for you. That's what makes music so amazing, because it can mean so many different things to so many different people, as well as so many different things to one person, and at the same time the same thing to so many people. It stays constant, but how we look at it and relate to it changes.
I guess that can be said of every part of our lives really, but music is the most obvious one to see it with. I guess it's the same for all of us when we look at our own circumstances and cancers. How we look at this illness is very different to how our partners do, how our children do, how our families do, how our friends do, and how our acquaintances do. We've had that devastating shock, that moment our lives have changed, the anger, confusion, upset, and more - and then we've dealt with it and moved on. Because that's what happens in life. But others aren't necessarily living with it all day and every day, so aren't processing it in the same way. While also, as totally different people and personalities - dealing in completely different ways to us. Which is where the comments like 'I don't know how you do it', and 'aren't you brave', and other attempts at being complimentary come in. They don't ring true to us, because we deal with it all every and all day. So totally different experiences and mind sets.
Right now for me, the couple of songs I'm really liking are by Rag N Bone Man; Human and Innocent Man. They are the two that are resonating with my current mindset, and remember - not every lyric needs to fit perfectly. There's usually a line or two about a love, or a lost love, in these sorts of songs. Something that doesn't fit with your mindset. But you just skip those lines and focus on the important bits. For example;
"Human, by Rag'n'Bone Man
I'm only human
I'm only, I'm only
I'm only human, human
Maybe I'm foolish
Maybe I'm blind
Thinking I can see through this
And see what's behind
Got no way to prove it
So maybe I'm blind
But I'm only human after all
I'm only human after all
Don't put your blame on me
Don't put your blame on me
Take a look in the mirror
And what do you see
Do you see it clearer
Or are you deceived
In what you believe
'Cause I'm only human after all
You're only human after all
Don't put the blame on me
Don't put your blame on me
Some people got the real problems
Some people out of luck
Some people think I can solve them
Lord heavens above
I'm only human after all
I'm only human after all
Don't put the blame on me
Don't put the blame on me
Don't ask my opinion
Don't ask me to lie
Then beg for forgiveness
For making you cry
Making you cry
'Cause I'm only human after all
I'm only human after all
Don't put your blame on me
Don't put the blame on me
Oh, some people got the real problems
Some people out of luck
Some people think I can solve them
Lord heavens above
I'm only human after all
I'm only human after all
Don't put the blame on me
Don't put the blame on me
I'm only human
I make mistakes
I'm only human
That's all it takes
To put the blame on me
Don't put the blame on me
I'm no prophet or Messiah
Should go looking somewhere higher
I'm only human after all
I'm only human after all
Don't put the blame on me
Don't put the blame on me
I'm only human
I do what I can
I'm just a man
I do what I can
Don't put the blame on me
Don't put your blame on me"
I've needed to remind myself these last few days that I am only human, not some superwoman who can do everything for everyone, and to not feel bad about failing. I've also been getting sent on a guilt trip by my mother, because whenever her friends question her about my health, she cries. As if this is my fault for upsetting her. Like I've chosen to be ill, just to hurt her. So I am only human, I do what I can, and none of this is my fault.
Then we have;
"Innocent Man
by Rag'n'Bone Man
I've been a victim of some sorry circumstance
That was committed by somebody else's hand
And only heaven knows how I've ended up so broke
I ain't guilty but I'm left fearing the stand
It's not my crime, so why do I have to pay?
I'm doing time, this feeling I can't shake
I'm lost in the suffering for nothing
My heart don't understand
It's beating for an innocent man
How was I supposed to know that I'd be fooled?
And the sweetest kiss could ever be so cruel
I could always let it go, but it's out of my control
Now I'm right back here still holding on to you
It's not my crime, so why do I have to pay?
I'm doing time, this feeling I can't shake
I'm lost in the suffering for nothing
My heart don't understand
It's beating for an innocent man
Man, man
From wanting, to meeting
Cut me, I'm bleeding
This heart keeps on beating
For you
It's not my crime, so why do I have to pay?
I'm doing time, this feeling I can't shake
I'm lost in the suffering for nothing
My heart don't understand
It's not my crime, so why do I have to pay?
I'm doing time, this feeling I can't shake
I'm lost in the suffering for nothing
My heart don't understand
It's beating for an innocent man"
There has been a lot of frustration recently with my health and circumstances. It's not tipped into anger, just remained at a steady frustration. So this one resonated, because I've not done anything to deserve this, but in a way, there's a possibility it was someone else's fault. So "I've been a victim of some sorry circumstance, That was committed by somebody else's hand" really rang true for me. Because if Chernobyl hadn't happened, there is a possibility that I wouldn't be where I am now. So "It's not my crime, so why do I have to pay? I'm doing time, this feeling I can't shake, I'm lost in the suffering for nothing" really struck a chord.
There are so many other songs I could share and show the lyrics of, then explain the why they mean something to me - and maybe I will in another post when I move onto another song for a while. But for now, I'd like to challenge anyone reading this to step out of your musical comfort zone and find a song in another genre, or from an artist that you wouldn't necessarily normally listen to, that strikes a chord with you. Alternatively, send me a PM with how you're feeling, what you're thinking, that emotion that's niggling above all others. Then I will have a search for you, and offer you up some suggestions/links to some pieces of music that might work for you to get into and let that feeling out in a healthy manner. Nothing better than a good sing to vent - no matter how good or bad you are at singing!
Just 'Let it go'! ;)
