Mrs Blobby

7 minute read time.

I think this is a fairly accurate interpretation of me right now.

As mentioned before I have PCOS - that helps me put on weight and makes it harder for me to lose it, I also have a complete thyroid removal making me technically hypo - which helps you put on weight, and because of the cancer I have a lot of pain and lethargy making me fairly immobile - which means no exercise, which means weight gain. Lose, lose, lose. There is no win scenario in there when it comes to the shape and size of my body, and I've found that I have been increasing and increasing, and there doesn't seem to be any sign of it ending!

I used to cycle a lot, and walked even more - and a good day out for me involved heading to the countryside or the hills to just disappear into the green and take pictures of plants and animals, or anything interesting I found along the way. Now the only green I get to see is the overgrown grass next door, and all I have to explore is my 8' x 8' front garden where I've managed to put some plants. Now to be fair, I have found some exciting bugs out there, and I've got some lovely flowers and leaves too. But when a group of women walk by in their slippers and dressing gowns, smoking, and dragging a bunch of brats who make faces and toss rude comments my way, it's just not the same. Walking up or down the stairs means I need to sit down and recover, totally out of breath and knackered - where before, I used to be able to run up a proper hill to get to the top.

I've never been thin like a model, and I never felt thin as in healthy. But I look back at pictures and wonder where on earth my head was at, because the person in those pictures looked amazing. Self confidence is not something I have a lot of, if any of. Not deep  down when I really look. Everything people see as confidence is a front. Me behaving as I think I should or am expected to. I've never ever been happy with how I looked, because I never looked 'like everyone else', and because of that I was bullied mercilessly. Add on top of that an emotionally abusive mother, and a few assaults of varying natures, and you end up with me. Someone who can say all of these things to a computer screen, tell the truth here and let it out, but could never say it to a person sitting in front of me or even on the phone. You can never let it out, never admit what it is that you're thinking. It's all just smiles and 'I'm fine', while you shrug off comments and action you want to scream about. But that fight has been beaten out of you physically and verbally by a mother who 'knew best' and was always right. You learn not to make a fuss, to never stand up and say 'what about me'. Because you know you aren't worth caring about, or anyone's time, because if you've ever tried it in the past you were shouted down or hit and sent away. You bury all of that pain down inside, and only let it out in private, as that voice inside your head reaffirms all the negative things you're told, while any sort of compliment or 'good' that might have come your way is brushed off as nothing other than lip service paid by kind people who don't want to be mean. Because of course, they didn't really mean it, because you're no good and not worth a compliment.

I am 5' 11", wide shouldered, with glasses, and naturally mouse brown hair. At High School I wasa size 16. In my late teens and early 20's, after moving out and suffering depression and severly restricting my food while exercising like a loon I dropped to a 12/14. I know now there wasn't much left on my to lose, but at the time there was that pouch on my stomach that wouldn't leave. Even though my hip bones were visible, that pouch was all I saw and it made me 'huge'. Now, I am knocking on the door of the 26- 28 range, and in my head I feel as big as I felt in my 20's. That is how screwed up your head can be. I feel as bad now as I did then, but now I can look back and see from pictures what I've lost and how bad it really is - and I hate it.

I hate that I lose my breath so easily, I hate that I sweat so much - this is lack of fitness as well as temperature issues brought on from the thyroid issues, I hate that I jiggle, I hate that sitting here typing - I can feel my double chin pressing into my neck and resting on the stop of my chest. I hate that while looking at the screen, I can see a roll of fat before I get to the keyboard. I hate that I can rest my inner elbows on a roll while I type. But the worst bit? Worse than everything else? The bit that I didn't even know could happen? I HATE that the mons pubis has put on weight, a LOT of weight. What the heck is THAT all about?! Now, EVERYTHING I wear must cover this area, regardless of what else it does, it MUST be long enough that that area is never ever shown because it is the MOST embarrassing thing about the way I look imo. It is something I don't think I've ever seen or heard people discussing, and only from googling - don't google it, you get some very 'interesting' images coming up - did I learn that it is a thing that happens.

I've seen a number of dieticians in my life, and I would love to know how to get into that line of work, because they are all useless. The first two I saw simply offered me 'healthy eating advice', such as; don't eat too much refined sugar, limit your intake of butter, have small portions of meat and fish, and fill your plate with vegetables. Naaaaaaaaaaaaaw. You don't say! I think they literally took one look at me and decided 'fat cause she's an idiot who eats too much and doesn't exercise'. Wrong. Well, half wrong. I sometimes eat rubbish, but I know I'm eating rubbish, and back in the day I exercised enough for it not to matter. Now though, I eat very healthily, and very small portions as I really don't have an appetite. Yet I'm MAHOOSIVE. The dietician I saw a couple of months ago did exactly the same as the ones in the past, and came out with the basic healthy eating crap, and thought that would fix things. Even told me that as I wasn't as active as I used to be, I should reduce portion size down. Clearly, she hadn't been listening when I said I only ate one meal a day on average, because I didn't have the energy or appetite for more.  So we agreed I'd keep a food diary and email it to her.

Well, this diary was fabulously detailed. Everything I ate was weighed out, and where I could calorie counted. Happily, and a little smugly, I pushed the send button and waited - for two weeks - for her to get back in touch. And one of the first things out of her mouth? "Well, I'm honestly stumped" You and me both love! We had a chat where she told me that actually, I probably wasn't eating enough and I pointed out I knew this, and had said at the first meeting that I thought my body had probably gone into starvation mode where everything I ate was turned into fat because it didn't know when it was next going to eat. She agreed and told me to eat more, and she'd be in touch in a couple of weeks to see how I was getting on. And that was that. Haven't heard from her since, and it's been at least a month, probably more. Guess she's given up on me.

I have discovered a diet that claims it's based on proper medical research and the hormones related to food and weight, so I plan on taking the books into hospital with me when I go for the RAI and have a good old read. Then, once I'm out and off the LID - I'll see what I can do to try and shift all of these blobby bits. Because I know I can't go on like this. Not for my health, and not for my mental health. Mrs Blobby, needs to come to an end to reveal what's under the suit!!

Anonymous
  • Consider yourself well and truely hugged! You are an an AMAZING person. You must believe me. I love reading your stuff! X

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    I wanted to cry while reading your post. It was as though you were telling my story about lack of self esteem, although my back ground was different. It took me YEARS of fad yoyo dieting to become ...not thin...but obese.:(. . Once it was too late I got smart and decided others were not going to determine my value. I think there are MANY you can relate to your story.