The voices

2 minute read time.

I hear voices, I have heard voices since a child. These are not internal voices in my head, these are external voices, as if someone is just behind me or within the same room as me, but they can't be seen, just heard. As a child they frightened me, I was afraid to be alone or go to bed; I was raised in a very religious household  so voices that I said I heard were just accepted as spirit; basically I was told it was just spirits (of the dead) that I could hear & that spirits wouldn't hurt me; medical intervention was not sought for my voice hearing.

As an adult I was told by "professionals" that I did not have schizophrenia but instead the voices were delusions; I did not think I had schizophrenia but I disagree with their opinion of delusions because I hear them.

I often visited spiritualist churches because clairaudients (clairvoyants) hear voices, they too, believe that they are voices of spirit but my voices seemed different, my voices are not messages from the spirit world, my voices taunt me or whisper about me; I don't hear them all the time but did notice over the years, a pattern, I would hear them more when stressed or in a very deep depression.

Sometimes I will be awoken by the voices whispering, sometimes they will taunt me wherever I go; very often they frighten me, make me feel worthless, more anxious & less confident, not that I feel very confident anyway.

Most will say that voices are not harmful unless they impact you in a negative way. My voices do impact me in a negative way because very often the voices ridicule me or enforce my already negative thoughts. When I first received my cancer diagnosis, I had not, for quite some time, heard any voices but they soon came back with a vengence, telling me I was going to die & that I could not & would not cope. I have since been prescribed more medication on top of what I already take (I already take antipsychotics, antidepressants & anxiety medication) & my normal dosages have been doubled,  but this has still not totally eliminated my negative thoughts, panic attacks, depression & anxiety because they are still there in the undercurrent; it's TRUE that I have not yet slid into a major depression (as I have before) & I am coping, just about, (maybe the medication is taking the edge off) but its damn hard.

I feel utterly drained because as many of you know, it takes a certain kind of inner strength to go through cancer treatment & many of you may have experienced some very negative changes to your mental health, so know, it can make the process twice as difficult. 

Anonymous