Its not just the cancer!

2 minute read time.

It's not just the cancer! It's the loneliness too, it's the world carrying on having fun whilst I weep, it's the practical things I don't have the ability to do, it's the stress of my limited finances, the inability to pretend I'm still me, the confidence that left me, the fear that controls me & the deep sadness I now seem to keep.

I'm trying to heal physically but I'm not healing mentally. I'm lost as to what I now do.

I've realised how lonely I am & what a lonely place cancer can be. I have limited family & friends, most of which live miles away. Some may occasionally call but most are busy with their own lives. With some I pretend I am better than I am because I know they wouldn't cope with the truth. I try to take myself out of my home, to do something different, to break up the day, but at times the weather is atrocious & when it's not, I appear to have lost my confidence around other people so head to deserted places & feel ever more lonely.

I rest my body as I know that's what it needs & in all honesty I have little choice but to rest, as I soon feel exhausted if I try to do too much of the normal everyday stuff I did before. This new exhausted feeling that I now have, worries me, it makes me feel that I will always feel this way, it's made me realise that I am a different me, it makes me worry about my future abilities, at times it makes me feel useless & helpless.

I worry about my finances, the expense of heating my home, the food I need & the repairs that I cant afford. I don't have savings, insurance or a pension. I'm basically living on the poverty line & cant see any future prospects. I wonder if I could find employment but at present feel quite poorly & lethargic; I wonder what employer would take on someone receiving cancer treatment, someone that daily, has not the energy to complete all of her tasks, someone who physically has not the same abilities as she once had, someone who was never overly confident but now seems deplete of any. I wonder, I worry & I stress.

I look at my body which looks different to what it once did. I tell myself it doesn't matter if I no longer look like me, but deep down its had an affect. 

I take the medication  the oncologist prescribed, the medication that's supposed to help me, but it's also the medication that makes me feel nauseous, tired & depressed.

I can still smile my fake smile to others but I'm not fooling myself. 

In my mind I pray for the answers, occasionally I beg. I don't know who to, but I'm desperate.

Anonymous
  • FormerMember
    FormerMember
    <p>I am beginning to know what you are saying I was diagnosed with oesophagus cancer with secondary liver, I was diagnosed 5th December 2019 and been told to far gone to operate.</p> <p>I live alone with no family or friends I have been living in a new town and only have aqaintances that you say hello to as I pass by walking my dogs, I am at the start of this journey and it scares the hell out of me.</p> <p>Thinking of you, take care.</p> <p>Alan</p>
  • <p>Hi Alan (Chuddy)&nbsp;</p> <p>Sad to hear of your diagnosis. Such a lot to cope with and this time of year can feel even more isolating as the weather keeps most people indoors. I hope you know that you are never alone on this site, there are so many wonderful, supportive people on here and you can always talk to me. Message me anytime, I always answer as soon as I can.&nbsp;</p> <p>Sending a hug your way &amp; for the dogs too FeetFeet<br /><br /></p>
  • FormerMember
    FormerMember
    <p>Thankyou for your open honesty. I&#39;ve just joined and wanted to say I am grateful to be able to read real honest experiences and the response comments.&nbsp;</p>
  • <p>Dewdrop59</p> <p>Thank you. It can be difficult for us all.</p> <p>Best wishes x</p>
  • FormerMember
    FormerMember
    <p>I have also just joined the site and already feel supported, just to read what like minded people are feeling. Well wishers and good samaritans are awesome, don&#39;t get me wrong, but unless you&#39;re walking in the same shoes, people don&#39;t know the impact of a cancer diagnosis has. Very scary roads ahead and trying my best to remain positive, and look for silver linings and luck on the horizon, just very tricky but I WILL perseve. Love to all of you guys x</p>