Functioning at work

For the past three weeks or so, I have been finding myself barely able to function at work. This has caused me to cry a lot, which is very embarrassing and to simply want to sleep as much as I can. I'm embarrassed to write this on here, especially when it is not me who has Cancer and the remarkable people on these pages that seem to show so much strength. I'm a mess and would really appreciate some advice from people who have been or are behaving like me. I've made an appointment to see my doctor and I've phoned Macmillon to see what support is out there. Whilst I feel such a pathetic fraud and should reel my sad emotions in, I'm just not able too. Please help - I know how pathetic it sounds but it is all very real to me.

Hi

Although it is my husband who has cancer, he has been outwardly quiet in control.

However, like you I have been an emotional and unorganised wreck. I have had days where I cannot organise a meal with any degree of sucess, I have struggled to remember committments and for the first time in my life I have needed to rely totally on my diary foreven minor events. I have had problems concentrating at work and have also on a couple of occasions came very close to 'losing the plot' altogether, (this is far from good as I am a teacher!!)

When asked how things are by colleagues I have developed the ability to switch off emotions and respond with 'OK, Fine', but when people who really know me and know the type of questions to ask, i have found it has been a real struggle to keep the lid on prssure cooker as if released there will be no return!
So what you have described is normal.

My husband has often voiced that having cancer is hard, but he would NOT want to be a carer of someone with cancer as this is far harder, In his opinion.

Please don't be too hard on yourself, this is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Hi. Ditto. DITTO. I've made an appointment to see ... actually I'm not sure what she does..... a counsellor I think..... next week. This was set up by someone on my sister's hospital team at my request. I so acknowledge the organisation ability flying out of the window thing. Thank goodness for Pizza deivery. I have given up work.... I know how lucky that is that I can afford to do that. I sold my house to enable me to be the primary carer. I know that if I were working I would be totally incompetant and distraught at continually needing time out to be doing what my heart is so firmly telling me to do and my heart goes out to you and all the other carers here. I am also a teacher. I don't keep a diary, I would lose it..... I have my mobile phone calendar.... am lost totally without it. Even down to watering the plants....

You are so not a pathetic fraud. You are human. That's what makes us special, that we have emotions and can express them in so many ways. Sleeping is good.... it heals. Doing what you are doing is so special. Just take care of yourself hon.... hmm..... something about doing what I say and not what I do springs to mind. It's hard. Very, very hard. But you aren't alone. Caring for my sister in her last days is the most important job I have ever done and I am privileged to do it. Hugs. Linda xxx

Dear Juls and Linda,

Thank you for taking the time to reply and your kind encouraging words.

Juls, my hubbie is the same in terms of being calm, collected and always in control, despite whatever is thrown at him and it's not a cover-up, nor is he in denial. I am an emotional wreck, up and down whilst he is coping and still enjoys his life.

You're spot on in dealing with the 'how are you/ how's your partner etc..' questions. I guess it's important to have someone to be able to tell it how it is.But then, can they cope, can they cope with such raw emotions? Do you confide in someone other than your husband? I used to confide in my Mum but have stopped to some degree as she herself then gets worried. I do want to be able to control my negative emotions as I feel so guilty and bloomin' pathetic. Tonight, I'm going to start a journal - perhaps that will help, I don't know. Linda, I hope the counselling proves to be helpful. Can you let me know?

Juls, are you still teaching full time?

This is the second time that I have been unable to physically function in two weeks. Additionally, it was agreed last week to reduce my hours to four days a week - and I'm still having this functioning problem? I expect a letter will no doubt arrive shortly sending me off to occupational health, which of course, I'm dreading but will have to be done.

Linda - where would we be without pizza? I stopped exercising a few weeks back so will force myself to go jogging again. My husband says that drinking a couple of bottles of wine a wk will not help me with my lack of energy and sad mood, nor will my need for chocolate and crisps instead of fruit, which I have been eating a bit too much of recently.

You both really helped. Funnily enough, before I went into health care, I was a primary teacher. Small worlds eh?

Oh lord, what are we like? I stopped swimming a couple of weeks back..... used to go daily; not hit the chocolate yet as still clinging to the hopes of shedding that Christmas weight. Linda xxx

Hi
If you would like to request me as a friend I will be happy to talk with you if it helps.

In the first couple of months after my hubby was diagnosed and started chemo, I was in a fog / smog actually, couldn't think, decissions were an impossibility, I could follow orders but couldn't make choices, if that makes sense.
In fact on reflection this state has lasted up until fairly recently in varying degrees. Some good days and some 'non functioning' days when nothing worked.

Who do I go to? Well very little is shared at work as my line manager has said that with the stress I have she needs to be extra vigilant and ensure I stay ontop of admin, so she (bless her) hounds me like a baskerville! Emails and memo abound from her!!! Therefore I am very cautious as to just how much info I share and with whom.

I lost my mother 18 months ago and she was my last living relative apart from our children and their children (yr R and 1). So no one there, hubby's mother is impossible so I don't talk to her as all she offers is very ill informed comments. I just get too exasperated with her to remain civil.

Mac site is my outlet for issues and worries as people on here ACTUALLY understand and can genuinely relate to your experiences. Also as they are in similar positions help is offered that is usefull and sensitive and informed. I have also found that by posting responses to other people
(such as yourself) I work through issues that actually directly affect us as well. It helps to clarify thinking, makes me face issues I might otherwise not consider and is a vent for frustrations of not being able to physically talk with people about just how things really are!

My sense of humour is off the wall most of the time, but at present I find 'ejits and oxymorons' just too trying for words!!!!!!!! One day if you would like I will give you some of the 'helpful' remarks his family have offered.

I teach in post compulsory sector now (but have also taught primary 2), I changed due to changes in life circumstances which required less pressure, hours and more flexibility as I was primary carer for my mother for 8 yrs before she died - less than 1 yr before hubby was diagnosed with cancer!!

I am sooo very glad I don't work full time any more as I would have gone under big time along time ago! I teach LSA programmes from entry up to level 3 and have limited my availability to 5 programmes per week. OK so my income is minimal, but at present I can financially afford to do this, emotionally and psychologically I had no other alternative.

Oh my goodness what a long winded ramble, I am sorry if I have bored you rigid.

Juls

Miss Monkey

Linda and Juls are right. I can relate to everything you have said so far. My partner was diagnosed last Sept. Although he has responded really well to chemo, he has secondary on the peritoneal wall - we were told it was terminal 2 weeks ago. When he was first diagnosed, I coped really well but over the last two weeks, I have literally fallen apart. I'm crying all the time and feeling overwhelmed by it all. He, by comparison, is exactly the same as your partners - strong and in control. He also has often said that it is far harder for the people around the patient than the patient themselves.

My main outlet has been very good friends who are prepared to listen to whatever I have to say and not judge - i am very lucky. If you don't have this, I would recommend finding someone to talk to or writing a journal, which has also helped me. The most important thing to remember though is that there is no right or wrong way to deal with this - we all get through the best we can. You feel what you feel and shouldn't feel guilty for doing so. I have felt angry at my partner for getting ill, angry that our life is being cut short - I spoke to a counsellor as well yesterday who deals with this kind of thing a lot and it is all very normal apparently.

This is just a horrible horrible situation and the hardest thing I think any of us will have to cope with. If you want to talk, I'd be glad to offer any support that I can.

Nancy
X

Juls - thanks for your honesty, it really helps to know that there are others out there 'fine' one minute and then 'a train wreck' another day for no real apparent reason. Funny, my hubby says I'm brilliant in a crisis, it's just the normal day-to-day stuff when I sometime lose it - unable to function temporarily! What about yours?

Having just spoken to a MacMillan nurse, all these 'ups and downs' are completely NORMAL and part of the course especially when one minute a treatment is working, then not, so another treatment is tried, the weekly visits to the hospital for the weekly blood results and monthly CT scans hoping that tumour growth has not been rapid...all major organs ok for now.Nonetheless, it was still reassuring to hear a professional say this is ok and not think you're mentally insane. Although our five mins chat was short, it really helped to talk to someone who didnt judge or label me. She gave me some strategies on how I could return to my work place. One of the wards I work on is quite challenging (more in terms of the staff) so her suggestion to remove myself from that ward makes perfect sense. I have been offered two sessions with a psychologist (!), one of which I should receive next week - .I'll keep you posted.

Your manager sounds the caring type! It's hard to know who can be trusted if you're honest and tell it how it is. In my first non-functioning work day, one of the managers got me in her office and the 'spiel' was text-book. I hope I looked grateful anyway. She said that she would give me her mobile phone number so that we could go for coffee, but never actually did this, which I kind of knew she wouldnt' .

Recently I have been unable to stop myself from being angry and sad with certain colleagues, those colleagues who stereotype patients, their loved ones and judge them. Yesterday, when a colleague was bemoaning the fact that a patient had not been discharged, then stated that her husband was 'weak' - then, my flood gates opened. I'm ultra sensitive at the moment - I know that. (there are issues on this particular ward and management are aware) Unfortunately, I couldn't walk away.tAre there triggers, certain situations, people that you avoid to keep you on track?Re work, I'm not interested in attending any work social occasions so I simply do not go and most of the time, my hubby is not feeling particularly well. I don't really small talk so when I'm at work, I'm with the patients most of the time and I actually do enjoy it and have a smile on my face or a cup of tea.. for those in need.

Sorry to learn about the loss of your Mum - that must be very hard for you. To have looked after her for such a long time and then to learn of your hubby's illness - that's not easy + even thinking about going into the classroom.....You're a SAINT!.

Also, you must share some of the 'eejit' remarks. My mother-in-law has been in hospital for three weeks now and some of the stuff from relatives has been - well, beyond belief. Maybe you should start a thread. What is the obsession with 'Next of kin?' for goodness sake? Don't get me started.

PrincessPantz - sorry to hear of your partner's plight. Are there any trials out there for him?I've only every seen my hubby cry and that's when he was in immense pain. Maybe for them, it comes later!? I really don't know.

How was the counselling? Will you be going back?

Seriously, apologies for the ridiculous and probably boring waffle BUT I sincerely do want to thank you all for helping and sharing so please continue should you want too. Gonna request you as friends.

ps, Mama - ok - couldn't be bothered to run today. Will force myself to go for a little one tomorrow. What about you?

OK... you're on..... I hereby pledge to do 20 lengths.... (its not that big a pool) ..... fingers not crossed behind my back.... add me as a friend too!!! Linda xxx

Dear Missmonkey,
Along with the others who have posted here, I have experienced exaclty the same things. Alternating between anger, loss of patience, inability to remember anything, inability to make decisions, and depression. Honestly, I am not getting much done at work and I can't force myself to care about it right now. I was feeling much better a few weeks ago after feeling crummy for a few weeks, so I've decided these mood changes are going in some sort of cycle for me. I think I can ride this one out but I am taking antidepressants. I went through a preiod shortly after my husband's diagnosis when all I could do was cry and I really didn't think I could handle this at all. But I am still here and so is he, although we are both in a depressed state at the moment. and tired, so tired.
I don't have any real advice other than try to be patient with yourself. I try not to expect too much from myself. I used to be a sort of fanatical housekeeper--hate clutter and piles of stuff all over the place. I still hate it but I don't get too upset about it anymore. I just don't have time to worry about a perfect house so I let that go. I figure as long as wehave clean clothes, clean dishes and reasonably clean bathrooms, we'll be OK. Find some small things that you can let go of. Maybe you don't really need to do ______ fill in the blank.

I know it's not much comfort but you are going through a completely normal process and you will come to a "new normal" eventually.
Good luck to you
Tess