Nicolaax
Posted: 2 Sep 2009 12:09 AM
My mum is the most inspiring women I have ever met, she has always put me first in every thing she does, every decision she makes.
When I was faced with the fact that there was the smallest possibility she could be taken away from me already after just 16 years and knowing I had so many laughter, tears and memories to make and share with her, I couldn’t cope. The most important person in my life, my best friend, how would I be able to live without my mum? Who would I turn to when I just needed to cry, no questions asked but just the warmth and security of her cuddles to tell me everything was going to be okay but no words spoken. Nobody can do that the way she can. she know's everything that’s worth knowing about me and I love how I can tell her everything and anything, and she won’t judge me or tell me off, she'll just listen and have the patience to do so for as long as I need her for.
I'll start at the beginning, the best place to start I guess for you to understand my story.
April 2009: My cousin's wedding in Surrey, it isn't until we look back on the picture and realise.
Mum wasn't very well then, she had stomach pains, and had put on weight quickly, wasn't eating as much as she used to and had unexplained bleeding.
May/June 2009: After having these symptoms for a few weeks, she went to the doctors and they referred her to have a ultrasound at the hospital and they thought it could be gallstones, around 10 days later Mum stil hadn't had the results of her ultrasound and rang the doctors and they asked her to come in, so she did.
She came in whilst I was half asleep and said she was going to the doctors, I thought nothing of this as I knew things would be fine and would get treated if it was gallstones as soon as possible. As Mum left the room I fell back asleep, and had this recurring you could say dream but I see if more of a nightmare, this being of my mums funeral, exact details of what she's explained to me in the past that she wanted, the music ecspecially, even reading a poem or something I had written and having my dad and grandma either side of me reassuring me. The exact details of the men carrying her coffin and of their being a screen that projected pictures of her life, these picture that actually exist. This scared the hell out of me but I didn't think about it till I had this dream again I then looked it up and found it was my feelings and thoughts coming out in dreams. Anyway back to the story.. Mum came home from the doctors and said that she could wait 2 weeks to see a consultant or admit herself to hospital and recomended she did so as they found something on her ultrasound but wasn't too sure what. By this time my mum looked about 9months pregnant with triplets, so knew she had fluid of the abdomen. After admitting herself to hospital she got taken to AAU ( Acute Assesment Unit ) for further tests, they look a sample of the abdominal fluid and ran it for tests, on that day she then got moved to the main ward.
After being admitted on the wednesday, she went for a CT scan on the friday and had further blood tests over that weekend - CA125 levels were meant to be at 30 and had risen to around 1000. On the Monday (8th June) my grandparents had come down and asked to know what was going on as we weren't being told a thing.. The nurse took us to the day room to see the doctor; myself, my mum, stepfather and grandparents, we sat down and all she said was ' It's bad news im afraid, it's cancer' .. Right at that moment my world fell apart, I sat there for a moment holding my mum's hand but as i felt my throat tremble I knew I couldnt break down infront of her, so I walked out and collapsed outside the door. My grandad came out and I asked where it was as I didn't hang around to find out any details, he replied ' the ovaries'. I had never heard of ovarian cancer until now. Mum came out not even one tear and said ' Nick, it's going to be okay, I love you'.
We didn't know anything else at that point as the doctor giving the diagnosis, it wasn't her specialism. After an emotional day of my heart feeling like it had just been ripped out, I felt the worse I have ever felt in my entire life. My mother and me have been through hell and back and I knew that now, I had to be there for her, I had to look after her and now was my time to do so. I wanted to shut off what was happening to her, I wanted to try and believe it wasn't happening as it was still so surreal. My mum had cancer, that was what it was. The simplicity of it. It was also the hardest thing I've ever had to say in my life.
The next day, Mum met with the nurse, consultant and surgeon where they told her, it was at stage 3 and treatment would start in the next few weeks, the treatment program was 3 bouts of chemotherapy every 3 weeks, taxol and carboplatin drugs, then a full hystorectomy and then another 3 bouts of chemo.
On the 26th of June, that was it, Mum had started treatment for ovarian cancer, I have never been so worried about something so much, I just wanted it to go well, in which it did. 3 weeks later she had her second bout that again went well, this is when her hair started falling out but she still looked beautiful as ever and again 3 weeks later was her 3rd and last before her operation. Still yet had she not cried a tear.
She later had another CT scan to see the progress of the cancer, it hadn't spread.
Last wednesday. 26th August, the day before I got my results for my GCSES. We got a phone call from the surgeons secretary asking us to go to the hospital in which we did, 6.20pm sat in the waiting room, me and mum giggling away like usual. We got called in and now this was business, this was the real deal, this was now what was going to hapen and there was nothing that could stop it. Her surgeon spoke how he was going to remove her ovaries, fallopian tubes and womb, he also said he would take out the peretinium as it was causing discomfort and also the omentum and appendix. She then got told that with this type of cancer that it can spread to the bowel and that she had the option if this arose of a colostomy bag or death, obviously she chose the bag, this is when it came real, when we got told what could happen, but he said he wouldn't know until the operation. He also said there was a small chance of this cancer to come back as cancer deposits can burry themselves into glands or organs and not be found until they have grown but this was a small chance and decided to cross that bridge if we came to it. She then got a phone call on the 28th august to say her operation would be on the 1st September 2009, and to go in on the 31st august at 8am.
So yesterday she went in at 8am, nil by mouth since midnight the night before, we then got there and they didn't have any recollection of her going in so they told us to go and grab a coffee then come back so we did after walknig around the hospital 3 times until finding one! Anyway we went back and they said that she was booked in to go to theatre 12midday the following day. Lack of communication apparently, they also told her he didn't need to be on nil by mouth so we went for a cooked breakfast and then went back. My stepdad and I left her to it and I went back to see her that evening to see how she was getting on.
Today; 01/09/09 - My mum's operation, my stepdad and I had planned on going into hospital before her operation to give her our love and to wish her luck, we were intending to leave at half 10 but then had a phone call from her at 9.45 saying that she was going down to be given anaethetic for surgery, she sounds so terrified and scared, that as soon as i got off the phone to her I broke down crying, she sounded so scared, I just wanted to give her a cuddle and tell her everything was going to be okay but I didn't get that chance. Today has been one of the longest days of my life, pacing my house, cleaning everything in sight just to kill time, 2.40 came and we had a phonecall saying she was out of theatre and she was in recovery and to leave in an hour and by the time we were there she would be back on the ward, so we did so. I walked into the ward and she looked amazing considering what she had been through, the operation was a success and no bowel surgery was needed, she got told she was a model patient. She was awake and talking to us, and she was so happy you could tell just by looking at her, again I broke down crying with relief, this was finally going to be over, just 13 more weeks until we can look on this as an experience not as reality. She was on the mend finally!
She will start chemo again in 4 weeks and is offlimits of doing anything for 6 months but she won't need to she has me, 9 weeks of chemo and thats it, over. She will then have a CT to reveiw things and fingers crossed get the all clear.
I wrote this for you to tell you about my experience and to maybe show people who are going through ovarian cancer there is chance, but everyone is different.
I honestly haven't been myself for the past few months, and haven't dealt with it as well as I could but I'm seeing a child pshyciatrist on thursday to talk about my problems and my plan of action.
I would also like to add to this that my mum is young to have this type of cancer as she is only 43, and so I guess I'm too young to be going through it at only 16, but hey we all have to mature some way.
My love and prayers are with everyone who is going through an awful time due to cancer.
Stay strong guys, God Bless. x