My partner died today.

Lung Cancer

A group for anyone affected by lung cancer to get together, ask questions, share experiences and support each other.

My partner died today.

No. of entries: 10 | Posted on 19 Jan 2013 02:20

My partner died today.

  • My partner (and civil partner since 12th January 2013) died today. 

    It was not anticipated, but despite some good news he was apparently full of the cancer. Lungs, bones, liver. He was suffering from loss of oxygen to the brain, and he made some unkind remarks, but I knew it wasn't him making them.

    I have never seen a person die before, and at the very end, it was peaceful. Prior to the final stage of death, he was in a frightening panic. The nurses at the hospital could not have been better.

    He didn't even live to see his 57th birthday or our 37th anniversary.

    I know I am not alone, he is still part of me. I know my experience, although unique, will be replicated with different stories up to the end.

    To those of you who have been lucky and got the better of your cancer, sing out loud how lucky you are. I wish you all the best.

    My final comments are

    (1) the house and bed are now so empty without his wonderful, irritating, witty happy, curmudgeonly presence

    (2) to Twirly, you have been an inspiration to me throughout all of this.

    Please do not make references to God or "passing over", etc. He was not a believer in any religion.

  • Hello Tim Sorry to hear that, good luck with your grieving process. Try to stay in touch with the site as you most probably have a LOT to offer.
  • So sorry to hear this.  The only saving grace is that he is out of pain, but you are suffering now.  The grieving process is unique to each person, and it's a long road, but it does get a bit easier gradually. I've found this site very therapeutic, and better than counselling, as you can dip in and out to suit you. There will always be someone on the site when you need an ear - I find it helps sometimes just to read other people's experiences.

    Best wishes x 

  • Tim, l'm so sorry to hear your sad news, my thoughts are with you.

    Nick

  • Tim,

    I'm so pleased you and your partner were able to celebrate your 36 years together with a civil ceremony. You have been his rock during this ghastly, pitiless illness and you both deserved better than this.

    Thank you for your kind comment; I'm only sorry I couldn't do more than just "be here". You have been so dignified, patient and unsentimental, and an example to many of how to "keep calm and carry on". Please do come back here whenever you feel inclined, you will be so welcome.

    With love and hugs,

    Twirly xxx

  • Tim you were so fortunate to have had those good times with your man. Nothing I can write here can ease your pain. I would like you to know I stopped by to think for a few moments about you both and wish you well. Ethel
  • Hi so sorry to hear about your partner passing away, my dear father in law passed away last Thursday 17th January having being diagnosed with lung cancer in august last year. Its been a very tough 5 months as they lived in ireland but we did visit them as often as we could, but sadly I have been unable to say goodbye to him as his funeral is this Monday and I have had to stay behind and look after my children so feel bad for not being able to go and support my husband and mother in law but then my children need me here. Life can deal us a horrid blow but some comfort is knowing he passed away at home which is what he wanted. Net
  • Thanks to you all.

    The support, just by posting your own histories, your personal triumphs and tragedies, helped me steer my way through all this.

    My cousin is a medical person and was at our "wedding". She said she was surprised how well he looked. She also said she thought, as she believes the mind is very powerful, that he kept himself going for that day, when he had done it and seen me looking so happy in the photos, in my words, 'the system shut up shop'. 

    When I described the chain of events in the final 12 hours or so, she confirmed what I thought from all the postings just in the lung cancer section here, that it had spread to his brain. At one point he gave me a look like a child that knows it's been clever and caught you out. I thought 'you bastard' but remembering what somebody said here, its not the cancer patient that's doing it, it's the cancer.

    At the end there were three of us in the relationship. Cancer may have taken him from me, but it hasn't taken away the essence that was him. The body is one thing, the person that was contained within the fragile shell is with me. I told him after he died, he has to haunt me and look after me still. I hope he does.

    As for posting other things, well, if I think there may be anything I could add I will from time to time. It's been a short horrible journey, two headlong trains going for collision. When I look at today, he is now finally out of his pain and misery, I am out of the onerous duties I willingly undertook, and for which he expressed his thanks and gratitude.

    Yes, I know we are allowed to ramble and moan and "bare our souls", but thanks for reading. I sincerely hope the outcome for other cancer patients will be better and more years of joy and family life be given to you.

  • Hi Tim, Am so sorry for your loss. Your words were beautiful and your wedding sounded so too. HOpe u have  good support and can be strong. Best wishes, Lizzi x

  • Hi Tim,

    I'm so sorry to hear about your partner. You clearly miss him a great deal, and I am glad to hear that you were able to get married recently. 

    I see that you have already got some wonderfully supportive replies from other members here, and I hope that you will continue to post on the Community if you find that it helps you. We have a Bereaved Spouse group that you might be interested in joining - it's a really good place to get support from others who have also lost a partner to cancer.

    Take care,

    Priscilla