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I was diagnosed in May 2012, so far I have had chemo FEC/T, mx, am having herceptin, started tamoxifen a couple of weeks ago and due to start rads on Tuesday.
I have coped with all that has been thrown at me but today for some reason I feel really down, anxious about finishing rads and hospital visits slowing down, in case it all come back again. Cannot explain how I feel just not feeling my normal bubbly self.
Sorry to offload, I do try so hard to remain positive.
“Don’t confuse your path with your destination, just because it’s stormy now, doesn’t mean you aren’t headed for sunshine.
I was diagnosed in May too so we are 8 months in and I'm about to start rads too - I've not had Herceptin and will start Tamoxifen after Rads
I just wanted to say that how you've described feeling sounds pretty normal to me - we've been 100 miles an hour receiving treatment and practically living at the hospital. It has changed the way we have been living life, some for the good, some for the bad, it;s changed our friendships, relationships, body image, how we feel about ourselves, how others relate to us ....everything. To top it off , we have lingering side effects that we hoped would disappear after treatment ended and the legacy of thinking every twinge or pain could be cancer connected and it could come back !
So just how do we live with this ...I am thinking , one day at a time. I appreciate some days will be more frustrating as I can't do as much as I used to. Some days will nerve racking when I convince myself headaches are symptoms of spread and some days I will feel plain awful and fed up with the weight gain, bloating and loss of all my seemingly feminine touches - but they will be back !!
Guess being kind and patient with ourselves, understanding many women have been here and will pop up and say don't worry it will get easier.
I am so grateful that I am near to the end of treatment and that I do have things to look forward to and that I can start to plan again, I want to CARPE DIEM - seize the day as nothing in life can be taken for granted, and every day precious, I think of lovely Annie 40 and am determined to live on in her honour, she'd want us to.
So I understand where you are at Kaw and think we just keep on keeping on...this ride has been bumpy and yet finishing it is the hardes part seemingly , when you can finally breathe and think what the f*** just happened there ? A year of treatment and changes that you could never of imagined ..positive is just making the best of a circumstance, remember that :)
Hugs to you and everyone going through this xxxx
It's a great life if you don't weaken.
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Thank you Sassy....
I am not great with words and you have summed it up beautifully ............
I don't think I really came to terms/ sunk in that I had breast cancer then everything took over and my life wasn't my own, then I am being told after mx there was no disease detected so before I can come to terms with it it's gone and its all so muddling.
Tomorrow is another day and I am sure after tonights wobble i will be as you say ' carpe diem'
I have felt a blip between chemo finish and rads start. It seems to be a period of time where we first come to a standstill after all the fighting. And we are making first self assessments... It does get easier again, or at least it did for me, when I started rads, because I felt I am fighting again. Keeping busy holding the devil at bay.
I am now done with rads as well. And I am okay at the moment. I get my moments, but I feel I have bombarded myself with all I could, and, I do trust in Herceptin!!!
So, it's a case of 're-normalising'. Learning the new normal. Learning that, yes, we have been there, but we have done it, and if anything: we are maybe at an advantage, because we are now checked over regularly, and we are aware.
I don't think I will ever go back to the carefree me from before. So, new me has to embrace what has happened and trust that the fight I have given it has been a good one.
Just also, maybe it is this time of year as well, we have been so busy with the run-up of Christmas. And now all the puff has gone out of the energy driven weeks. It's cold and dark and dull outside. That in itself can also drag you down.
Glad you are sharing your yucky feelings. Not a bad shout to just have a good old cry! Things usually look a bit brighter after.
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I don't think we had time in the very beginning to really absorb it - it was a smack in the face and coming to terms with it and acceptance has come over a period of months. Like in the beginning you'd think I hope I'm dreaming, or they've made a mistake !! Now it's like did it really happen ? I think I can rush around and be what I was like before some days and my body says oh nooooo you can't !!
No doubt there will be a lot to discover moving forward - it's all new ground and a learning curve so hang on your hats (wigs in my case) the roller coaster hasn't quite finished yet :)
I can only echo what others have said. It might feel weird feeling crap at the point when treatment has ended and life is returning to 'normal' but it's only because you are so busy firefighting when you are diagnosed and during treatment, you have no time to even consider how you feel.
For many years I worked with families who had babies who were very ill or died very young and their experience is very similar. At the time when their babies were in hospital, they were so busy going backwards and forwards to the hospital, looking after the rest of their children and doing all the normal things, they had no time to think. It was only when life was getting back to normal and their babies were home and well that they began to feel anxious, depressed and had flashbacks. Their minds weren't always occupied with rushing about and getting things done so they had time to start reflecting on what had happened over the last months/years. I've spoken to lots of people who thought they were going mad or thought they shouldn't have the feelings they were experiencing because life was better! And it frightened them, too.
It is SO normal to feel like you do. It's all part of the process and although it might be a bit unexpected when things are less hectic, it's all quite normal and will pass, like everything else has done. Yes, it feels strange when you probably expected to be getting on with life and I know I'm going to hit this wall and feel the same 'What the ***!!$£ !' but there is nothing we can do about it except take it in our stride. Crying is probably not a bad plan - it does release tension and. I feel a little like a ticking time bomb at the moment and that's not very comfortable but I'm going to have to learn to live with it.
I hope it's good to know that you're not the only one feeling like this. You've probably helped others, too, just by raising the subject.
Big hugs, Shelley xx
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