Search this site
I am really sorry about posting something negative here today but I need to let it out otherwise it will consume me....
I am back to work now for the last 2 months after a really difficult time with BC that make me be off work for almost 9 months. I work in a school and yesterday was a really good day. We had sports day and some of the parents that don't know what I am going through said that they really missed me and that their children did too, that it would be a shame to loose such a good teacher :) that really put a smile on my face. After that I had a good chat with a really good colleague that said that I was the most confident and brave person she has meet and that when her husband picked her the previous week he then knew who the person with BC in the school was and that he could not believe how good I looked despite all the things that BC throws at you. We had a good laugh and we pick each other up when going through hard times.
Well today went for my 5th round of herceptin in the Chemo suite and while I was there a lady came in a wheelchair. Most of the things she said I couldn't understand as her accent was so difficult. She was very thin, in pain and looked so sick. I couldn't see her that well either as she was next to my chair but curtains were separating us. As I went to the toilet still plugged to my treatment she started talking to me and saying that she knew me. I was not sure but I didn't questioned her. Then she said that we met a few months ago and that she could remember my husband - not difficult as he is 6ft tall and handsome LOL - she even said that I was very young to get cancer - I know that I am, I am 33, diagnosed at 32 but I look younger than that - she then tried to show me her mastectomy and I said thats ok don't do it - and said that she has gone worse it has spread to her organs. I still could not remember her but there was something about her eyes that were familiar. Well she mentioned a few more things but her speech was getting worse so I just wished her all the best and went to my chair.
I went to my chair and then my husband said that he knew who she was. Then I remembered her: a young lady - in her 30s - that we met around December last year, very beautiful and confident, even with no hair at the time she looked so good - just like me!!!!! She was a normal weight and beautiful. My husband said that her expression said that she has accepted her fate and that it looked that she was loosing her marbles (sorry about that but it was his words and to be honest he was right...). I came home and I can't stop thinking about her.
My heart sunk, my stomach twirled and twisted in pain....I keep on thinking that that could be me, it can happen to me, I am fighting - and hopefully winning this battle - but there is always a possibility that it can go the opposite way. I don't want my hubby to see how it is consuming my heart and soul so I am letting it out here, it's not fair for him to have a wife with short and scruffy hair, with a few more pounds on top (almost a stone) and with no sex drive and on top of all that thinking that that person could be me..........
Thank you for listening ladies, tomorrow will be another day and hopefully a better one
ohhhhhhhhhh Susy Feel like i should have something to say that would make it better for you........but can't think of the words soooooooooo a big virtual hug will have to do for now instead. xxxx
((Susy)) loads of hugs.
Oh Susy, you poor thing, very upsetting. This poor lady may actually have been on morphine and thus confused from that but also just because she had secondaries does not mean you will, this is when we HAVE to remember that cancer is an individual disease. I was given odds of 30% without chemo or 50% depending on which doctor i talk to, that is almost a 100% difference! So how do doctors really ever know.....I have decided I am on my own path and have my own battle to win, and I know my own body and stubborn-ness far more than any doctor........so I will work WITH my body to get through and past this...........you sound like the same.
Every time I go to the hosptial which is the most depressing adn dismal experience ever, ther are patuents with cancer for 20 years, its a different culture here so they love sharing stories of how much pain killer they are taking, flashing their scars, giving details of all their surgeries etc and I sit there forced to listen wanting to scream inside...but the positive is they are all still there sitting and talking.....despite multiple cancers and recurrences.......
Feel for you, its the emotions and mental struggle of this that is the worst. I have ordered some books from amazon about this and hope they will help, I will recommend on here if I find them good (written by cancer surgeons)
I had invasive lobular cancer, stuck in a country where emotional support is an alien concept
Oh Susy, how tough for you. Just remember how different we all are - strengths and weaknesses as well as how different our BC is. We cannot help but be affected by situations around us, but we have our own fight to fight and our own life to lead. This lady is not you, she may have other health issues that have impacted on her condition.
Hope the good day wins overall
Susy, So sorry you are feeling so low about what you witnessed. We are all going through different forms of bc, different symptoms, different treatments, different dx. I have been having treatment for 6 mos. now and have seen so much and heard so much. There are days where I am really down but have to pick myself up saying things could be worse. Your husband sounds like he's there for you so he will understand your down times as well. Talk to him about it. He has his own fears that he may want to share with you. I am 58 but still feel too young for what I've been through but it is what has been dealt to me and I must do whatever I can to survive. I hope your days have gotten brighter and you are coping better. Big hugs to you. Marilyn xx
Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.
Just saying thank you so much to all of you that left messages on this thread, it really helped. After a good night sleep on Friday I woke up better and thinking more positively. I just wished that everybody that fights this illness would have the same response as us but life doesn't always smile upon all.
So thank you so much for your words and lets keep on fighting and smiling
If you have any questions about our organisation our Macmillan team would love to hear from you
You can also follow us on Facebook, Twitter, Flickr or YouTube.
© Macmillan Cancer Support 2010
what are these?