We are Macmillan. Cancer Support
Sorry that its me thats here again, seems that its always me annoying people.
I just need to get out of here and need space and time to do things on my own.
things havent been going well for me since my operation last summer. Still cant feel anything in my legs, so i think doctors have given up thinking that i might get the feeling back. I'm starting to feel like they might aswell give up with me completely.
At first i think i kind of accepted being in a wheelchair, i was taking things fairly well. Then all of a sudden things seem to hit me and i couldnt cope. With my leukaemia still heavily affecting my body, it meant that i had to have more greuling treatment and i hit a really dark patch.
My body didn't take to chemo and treatment very well and my body became really ill and weak. It seemed everything that could go wrong was going wrong.
My family have been with my throughout all my treatment and i cant thank them enough, i just think i owe them so much as they have given up so much to be with me.
Im still having treatment but i dont know how long i can go on for. Sport was my passion before and now i havent been able to do any for ages! I always wanted to become a PE teacher and i know i wont be able to persue that path anymore so i dont know why im carrying on with things. It just seems that theres nothing i want/can do in a wheelchair and with treatment as grueling as ever i just dont know when im going to be able to go home or even if theres a chance of me reaching remission.
Sorry for taking people's time. I needed to let things off my chest. Being stuck in hopsital and not being able to do things like i used to has built up and i need to find a way of letting things out. I think ive cried enough for the next 5 years but for some reason I seem to be so emotional lately.I'm just going to sit in the corner for a while, hopefully it will give me a rest from looking at my four hospital walls!!
i hope everyone is doing well. Cath xxx
It is lovely to hear from you and first of all don't you ever ever dare feel bad for posting in here. THis is what the room is for and I can tell you some of us have had our fair share of rants in here!
I am so sorry you are stuck on hospital still. If you are able, get your sister to take you out round the grounds a bit so at least you get some wind on your face and a change of scene.
I went bonkers being stuck in for a couple of months so can't imagine how rotten it must be for you but I can tell you that there is light at the end of the tunnel and don't ever give up!!!
You are an athlete and you know how you cannot give up can you? You keep on going and keep training and keep pushing till you reach your goal. Your goal has to move sideways a bit. That's ok. Sometimes what we think we want isn't always what we end up doing and sometimes what we end up doing is better than what we thought. I was going to be a surgeon when I was your age. I am a teacher now. I'm a bloody good teacher and I'm glad I am one. You can still be a teacher. There are athletes in wheelchairs you know!! and they need to learn from someone too so you get yourself well and get training and get good at whatever sport you choose cos a wheelchair aint gonna stop you now is it? and then train to be a coach or a pe teacher anyway.
Of course you are emotional with all you are going through. You would be mad if you were not. We all get emotional and most of us have a few more years on us to help along the way.
Please see if you can get some counselling. It really helps and you will need it with all you are going through. Most of us on here need it and we are not facing as much as you so don't feel weak or anything, just accept you are having a really hard time and ask for some help.
You get it off your chest any time you want and we are here to listen and to give you the biggest of hugs.
Here's one now.
Huge hug Cath and another one
Little My xxxxx
Oh its so lovely to hear from you again. Your twin sister has been keeping us up to date over the last few weeks.
Dont you worry about having a rant and a moan, youre not the only one and certainly wont be the last.
Its been so long since we heard from you, so hopefully you must be feeling a tiny bit stronger to come back and let us know how you are doing.
We are all thinking of you and hoping it wont be too long till you can get out of hospital.
Take care Cath,
love jmd xxxx
If you have any questions about Macmillan we would love to hear from you
You can also follow us on Facebook, Twitter, Flickr or YouTube.
© Macmillan Cancer Support 2015
what are these?