We are Macmillan. Cancer Support
Hi there everyone
This is my first post.
The last few months have been a roller coaster, after a routine smear (previous smears 'normal') I was diagnosed with 1B1 cervical cancer.
I was lucky that after two lots of LLETZ, top hat and lymph node removal I was given the news that I'm in remission.
The thing is, I feel that I should feel on top of the world but I feel quite the opposite. I worry myself silly about recurrence and cant shake the feeling that something may have been missed. My medical team were absolutely fantastic. I know I will be monitored but as I didn't really have any symptoms before I just keep getting really anxious which is resulting in panic attacks.
I feel that as my husband and family/friends were so supportive I feel I am being so unfair to them by not being over the moon. I just cant seem to shake this big black cloud from over my head. I feel as though I will never feel normal again or even remember what normal is.
I just seem to feel every emotion going all in one day. Sorry to sound dramatic, I just feel so frustrated with myself.
Hi Sweetie (Kelly?)
Firstly - well done on the remission.
Secondly - great that you found your way to this site.
Thirdly - what you are feeling is absolutely "normal" and most cancer survivors will tell you the same.
I had Mantle Cell Lymphoma which was treated with chemotherapy (hair loss - three times!) and a bone marrow transplant.
Took around 20 months from diagnosis to getting back to work. That was over four years ago and since then I've had huge highs and lows - at the moment I'm enjoying life very much. Once the bone marrow transplant was over and I had recovered (slowly) I believe people thought that I was fixed and was absolutely back to normal. Well, I believe that I will never be "back to normal" whatever that is :-)
I guess I'm lucky in that I have always seen the brighter side of life. All I can say is take it a step at a time. Maybe explain to your nearest and dearest how you feel and if you need help with this, I am pretty sure your specialist nurse will help. Don't beat yourself up - love yourself and allow yourself to feel however it is that you feel at any given time.
One of the things I did was to enter Race for Life every year. I'm 62 now so I do the 5k walk and over the years have raised quite a lot for cancer research. At these events there are survivors, those who currently have cancer, loved ones who have lost. If you were to look thro the messages of sites such as this, I'm positive you will find that someone else is going through something similar to what you are experiencing. You are not alone Lovely Lady, but you are unique in your specialness.
Chin up and focus on happy things.
Healing hugs, Sue
hi there yes sue is right once treatment is over an awful lot of people have similar feelings to those yoh are having.It is normal and nothing to worry about.Just try to take one day at a time and make sure you treat yourself.Ive found exercise really helps me.I had successful surgery for vulval cancer and lymph nodes removed from groins early March.Ive been quite up and down too. Be kind to yourself and Im sure other people will post their experiences which might help you feel less alone.Take care. Sue
It is really lovely how people on this site always give sound advice and support each other. It really helps to know other people feel the same way. Like you Missy72 I was lucky to avoid further treatment and my cancer hadnt spread but I've had those feelings of guilt that I am not always on top of the world especially when other people have gone through so much more. We all need to be kind to ourselves and not expect too much. Take care everyone.
Isn't it "funny" how we can be going through hell and yet still we downgrade our situation because we think others are going through something worse?
It's wonderful that we can all empathise with others. Having said that, never feel that others are worse off than you - Sue, you came through your hell and you have absolutely nothing to feel quilty about. There is no measurement for cancer. You can't have a bit of it. You either have it or you dont and those of us who have been affected just seem to be able to open our hearts to others. Maybe its because we've had a brush with the Grim Reaper, maybe it softens us. I don't know...... but I'm glad it's so.
Love and hugs to all. xx
Thank you sooooo much to all of you for responding to me, it really warms my heart how wonderful this site and the users are.
Thank you for making me feel 'normal' for feeling as I do and Missy72 you hit the nail on the head with the feeling of guilt. Its mad how it can all feel so intense at the time of treatment/diagnoses etc. All i kept thinking was about getting to the point I'm at now, i really didn't think i'd have another battle to fight after.
You guys sound like you've been through so much but really pleased that you all seem to be doing well. Like you've all said - one day at a time. It can just be so difficult sometimes cant it?
Think i'm going to try a little exercise as suggested - thank u both Sue's - just ordered myself the DVD on Macmillan home page.
Missy72 - I agree when on this forum its so lovely how everyone understands and are so supportive, this is a site worth its weight in gold!
Sending MASSIVE hugs and best wishes to you all - thank you
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