Hi

My mum has terminal end stage Pancreatic Cancer. She has been living with me and went to stay with my sister 40ml away for Christmas. She became worse there and today we've had to talk to her about going into the Hospice as my sister can't cope (she's a single Mum with two young teenage children). She's only just accepted how ill Mum is because she's had to look after her.

I'm doing an 80ml round trip every day and my niece and nephew don't want their Gran to die at their house. The thing that's breaking our hearts is that Mum said "Yes, if that's what you both want". of course it's not but we tried to explain we're not coping very well and want to spend quality time with her without all the responsibility of being carers, running a home and children to sort. The main reason too is to get her pain, nausea and fear under control, which at the moment sometimes takes the overnight nurses up to 2 hours to come out as they have to come 20ml.

It's not easy as Mum was living abroad up until 6 months ago and I've had to take the last 4 months off sick to look after her and today I received a letter asking me to attend a sickness review with HR and my boss. I know it's procedure but the timing and evrything is just making me feel so guilty about everything, Mum, work, leaving my Husband and children to look after Mum...

Life's a bitch....

Hi fairy,

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum and the dilemma you find yourself in.  You must be absolutely exhausted having to care for your mum and your family, including all the travelling you are having to do. 

Circumstances lead to my mum not being able to get a bed at the hospice and she passed away at home.  I was her carer but unlike you I only had to look after myself and my mum as I am not married and have no kids.  You are right about the mother daughter relationship, it does suffer as you become the nurse and your mum becomes the patient and it is very hard to cope with that.  My mum wanted to be at home and I am glad that I was able to do that for her but it was the toughest and most exhausting thing I've ever had to do and there were many times when I thought I couldn't cope anymore. 

If there had been a bed at the hospice at the time I would not have hesitated in asking mum to go in but as my only alternative was the local hospital the situation never arose.  Mum, like your mum, said she would go into the hospice if that was what I wanted.  I know if she had gone in we would have been able to go back to being mother and daughter rather than nurse and patient and I still feel very sad that we weren't able to do that.

If there is a bed for your mum at the hospice then I would say take it.  I visited our local hospice and it was a wonderful place with so many caring people who will make sure your mums needs are taken care of so that you can concentrate on being her daughter.  Caroline XX 

Hi Fairy

You have already had alot of excellant advice so I won't repeat it again.

One of the decisions you need to make is where is your Mum going to be - with you or with your sister.

The reason I say that is that you should be getting carer's coming in to help you - speak to the District Nurses asap as we were given a night carer and we also had Marie Curie and Sue Ryder during the daytime.

My husband was completely bedbound so our Oncologist had to arrange for a continuing care package - all of these things take time so need to be organised asap.

My husband always wanted to be at home but in the end he ended up in hospital (not ideal).

Hindsight is such a wonderful word - in my husband's case he would have needed a hospice with medical care (our nearest hospice provides care but not medical) but the next nearest does both.

There are so many things to consider - speak to your Mum's GP/District Nurses.  Also, does your Mum have a Macmillan Nurse - again the GP should put in touch with one.

Take care

Ann x

Hi Ann, Caroline and Nic. Thanks for all your replies. Mum was admitted to the hospice 31st Dec and sadly passed away Saturday 15th Jan 2011. She was very peaceful and comfortable at the end, nobody expected her to live so long, as when admitted they told us "a couple of days". The care was excellent, we got to know all the staff and we could stay overnight when we needed to. Now, I'm just numb but busying myself with Funeral arrangements, phonecalls, clearing out equipment etc.etc...x

Hi Fairy, I am so sorry to hear about your mum but pleased that you were able to get her into the hospice and that her passing was peaceful.  Take care of yourself.  God Bless.  Caroline XX

Hi fairy

I was so sorry to hear about your mum. Your posts have been a great inspiration to me as my mum was diagnosed around the same time as yours and, I think from what i have read, we share the same hospital for treatment.  I think the time you have spent with your mum will be comfort for you in the days and weeks to come.

Take care and i hope you continue to post