I am struggling to cope

Coping with loss

Losing a loved one is one of the most painful experiences we ever have to go through. If you feel ready to talk about how you’re feeling, there are people here who understand and are ready to listen and support you.

I am struggling to cope

No. of entries: 7 | Posted on 31 May 2011 12:24
  • Hi

    I'm new on here, I have joined because I feel talking to people who have been through the same as me may help me a little.

    My mum died last month ( beginning of April ) of vulvar cancer.

    I am really struggling coming to terms with what has happened in such a short space of time. From diagnoses in Aug 2010 she had radio and chemo but never cured, made her very sore and was confined to her bed from Nov 2010.

    She never really told me how serious it was, if I could turn the clock back I would have asked her more detail on the illness and how she was feeling.

    I lived 3hrs from my mum so my daily contact was by phone and text, i was also pregnant, i gave birth 5 weeks before mum died.

    I feel so guilty about

     not being there for her and probing about what was happening. / not ensuring she had been to the GP when she first realised something was not right ( she said had been and the GP apologised to me for misdiagnosing for "too long" yet no mention of an appointment in the notes / calling the GP after speaking to her on the phone and not being able to understand her which then lead to her hospital admission when she died ( i have since been told she prob wanted to die at home and finally agreeing to put her on the Liverpool care pathway....was she at that stage so soon????

    I spent 24hrs a day with my mum in hospital for her final week sat watching her die a week i will always treasure

     

  • I guess there are no easy answers and you will in time find your own way of dealing with things.  I have also just joined this group to try and talk to other people dealing with thing I am dealing with regarding my dad ( terminal cancer - end stages).  For you that week you had at the end sounds special.  Dont beat yourself up for the rest of it.  Perhaps your mum did not want to worry you.  My dad wont speak about his illness and tells us he is fine when we can see from tests results and looking at him he is not.  We ask all the questions you probably wanted to ask and for us we get no answers.  He says he is in no pain or discomfort, he wont allow any help to come to the house and has other health issues playing on him as well.  I am so scared of what lays ahead but I know I am doing what I can.  I too feel guilty for not giving enough time to help my mum who lives with him and cares 24/7.  I live only a short trip away but have a 2yr old and 6yr old and work.   It is so hard.   My thoughts and prayers are with you and I hope you find comfort in reading of other peoples experiences as I know it helps me.  :-)   good luck

  • Thank you for replying, I hope your dad isnt suffering too much x

     

  • Personally i think parents still try and protect us from the big bad world, and therefore don't always want/tell us the whole story, i know i still did try to protect my mum and dad from the whole reality of her liver cancer, she was elderly and knew she was finished, dad has early stage dementia, and it's a wee bit child like.

    Don't be too hard on yourself (i should listen to my own advice!), it isn't easy, it's down right bloody hard at times, don't beat your self up, we all do what we can when we can, and hind sight is a fantastic thing!

    Take care

    Susan x

  • I have just read your post and it is something that I can definitely relate too. My Mum died on 13th May, 3 days after we were told that she had a very aggressive type of cancer. I live away from my family, so only went home the day before my mum was taken in to hospital and 2 days before the scan; I walked in to the bedroom and she did not know who I was, she looked straight past me. My family have all had conversations with my mum and she told them nice things, but I was too late and she was already too ill to talk to me and I will have to live with that. There was no time.

    I was at the hospital every day and stayed on the last night, just holding on to my mum. I would have stayed every night, but had been told that only my dad could stay, when in fact I could have stayed too. At one point my mum woke up and wanted some water, but when I put the beaker to her mouth she started choking and I kept saying sorry, I felt as if I was trying to harm her.

    Also, my dad was sat on the opposite side of the bed and he was talking about where he was going to put my mum's ashes; my mum was still alive and in the bed in between us and it broke my heart and I know this was how he was dealing with what was happening,but my mum was still there and could hear what was being said. I sat holding my mum telling her it was okay to sleep and she did not need to fight any longer and I feel so guilty; how do you come to terms with telling your mum that it is okay to die?

    My mum's mum died 28 years ago from the same type of cancer and I have now been told that I need to be screened, but there is no cure. I was helping a friend move in to her new home when my gran died and I was devestated that I was not with her when she died, she was my guardian angel and I still feel guilty that I was not there.

    I am exhausted and haunted and heartbroken.

    And, I have been dealing with all the paperwork; going through my mum's personal papers and it feels so wrong.

    I am almost 52 years old, my mum was 69 and I can not stop crying, I feel so lost and how can my mum be dead?  My Gran died on Christmas Day and we have just finalised the sale of her house. We were going to scatter her ashes on her birthday last month, she would have been 90, but now we have my mum's too. In the space of five months I have become the oldest woman in my family and that scares me.

    My sister is getting married next week, my mum wanted the wedding to go ahead, but how do we do this? It is supposed to be a really happy day, but I am so worried that I am going to be in tears and upset everyone.

     

     

  • Hi guilt is an uncontrollable emotion and it doesn't matter how much we do we always think we should have done more. Unfortunatley with this ilness it doesn't matter how much we do we can't control the situations it throws up so inevitably we will always be left asking what if why and maybe. I am ten months on having said goodbye to my mum last July and I know hand on heart myself and my family tended her every need. But when I get the flashbacks of the bad days I often have guilt. Why didn't I do something different. I realise this is me beating me up because it's an illness that makes us feel inadequate. As time has gone on I am still saddened daily by the fact I will never see or speak to my mum again but these thoughts do not take my whole day I realise my mum would not want me to be sad she was always happy knowing we were happy and sad when we were sad that's how mums are. What I am trying to say is that for our parents we must live our lives in a way that would have made them happy and proud. In the same way that they made us happy and proud. Easier to say than do and I hope we will all get there one day

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