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Coping with loss

Losing a loved one is one of the most painful experiences we ever have to go through. If you feel ready to talk about how you’re feeling, there are people here who understand and are ready to listen and support you.

how do I get over the loss of my husband?

No. of entries: 434 | Posted on 19 Oct 2009 10:11

how do I get over the loss of my husband?

  • Coral, I found my phased return to work very scarey at first.  I worked myself up into a state prior to my first shift. When I got there though everyone was supportive and it went fairly well.  I did find my concentration levels were nil though and I had to keep aqsking questions. It has taken a good few weeks for me to feel at all confident in my own abilities but I am at last getting there.  Concentration levels are still poor but I just write everything down as an aide memoire.

    I am sure that you will find it less daunting once you actually get there. It is just making that first step that is the hardest.  Good luck x x

    Judi, Ailsa just hang on in there. It is a long hard road and we are travelling it together. I am still finding that the silliest things make me cry.  Today I came across a computer game which our eldest son bought for his dad.  It conjured up all sorts of memeories and made me cry. Silly old me.   Earlier my daughter was explaining to her aunt about a Mauri pendant bought for her by her dad. Apparently the person who buys it is supposed to 'bless' it and then a bit of their soul is captured and lives on through the pendant. What a lovely thought but guess what...  I cried when she was telling the story. Bless her, she just smiled at me with such a 'knowing and understanding' look.  I think she gains great comfort from that fact and wears it almost constantly. Oh dear, I now have rivers of tears running down my face.

    I hope Thursday is a good day for you all.

    Lovew and angel hugs x x Patricia x x

  • hi beverly thank you so much for finding the time to write i know how hard it is to put into words how we realey feel we were married 31yrs and it seems theres a great big hole that will never be filled like yourself the thought of being on my own now fills with me with fear i lost my mum a year before i lost my husband and as i put so much of my energy into carein for dave and i would not have had it any other way i do feel guilty as regards to grieveing for my mum i dreaded all the 1st anniverserys birthdays but i got thru them very difficult i know i had my son and daughter with me and were a comfort for each other but i can honestly say the pain is still as bad as it was a year ago there is no time limit and we just have to go with it and be strong as our loved ones would want us to take care bev and i am always here when ever you need to talk god bless xx love always caz xx  

  • hi pat so nice of you to write yes its a difficulty time i keep telling myself it has to get better than this and we have to think like that dont we i dont know where my strenght comes from as i am not a strong person but i feel as if my husband is pushing me and makein me do things i have wonderfull family as im sure you do and we comfort each other just thankfull we dont all get our bad days at same time i find my concentration span to be vivid and i to have to leave myself little post me notes all over the house my husband would smile at at that as he knows how dippy i am on times all my love to and im always here when ever you feeel the need love always xx caz

  • Hello.  How are you Coral, patricia and Carol now as well?

    Coral - I think you are right - we do keep our emotions to ourselves in our culture and I have to wonder whether it would be better to be like some other cultures and weep & wail out loud.  Most of our craving for counselling seems to be because we want someone to talk to about our husbands and what happened but we don't want to trouble people.

    Patirica is right, concentration and your short term memory will be big chanllenges when you go back to work.  Other things get in the way when you least expect it as well.  I have been making arrangements for headstone and kerb to go on Chris's grave next month and I am also having a bench put in the cemetery in his memory as well.  Far from feeling good about all this I find I am stressing about getting the wording right.  I will be so glad when it is all finished.

    I am as certain as I can be that that my strange breathing is anxiety Coral.  For about 10 days after we were told Chris had cancer I found I had to keep stopping mid-sentence to draw a deep breath.  Whenever we were having a fraught appointment during Chris's treatment I found I often had to look up and blow out instead of just exhaling.  During Chris's funeral I did a combination of both and end up hyperventilating and turning my legs to jelly.  I seem to be doing a lot of blowing this week whilst trying to sort out the cemetery.  I am sure it is nothing to woryy about.

    Best get off and do some work as my sister is visiting over the weekend.  Ailsa xx

  • Hello ladies.  I hope that you are all having the best evening you can.

    Ailsa, I know that 'blowing out ' that you describe. and the wierd breath mid sentence. I had decided that it was just my way of being in control of something.  What I do is take in a very deep breath and then slowly blow it out.  This helps me to get control of myself. 

    Don't work too hard sorting things out before your sister comes.  You want to enjoy her visit not be worn out for it.

    Love and angel hugs x x Patricia x x

  • good evening all, hope you have had as good a day as you can. I have been second-hand car shopping with my daughter...something John would have done. Got through it though. Feel like I have done a marathon (mentally that is). lol....

    Thanks for your support regarding work......you are right, thinking about things is much harder than doing it.  Doesnt stop me stressing about it though...just like a woman my John would say. Hope work is getting better for you all.

    My grandson has just brought some homework in from school...list the differences between men and women on the effects of liver cancer !!?? Cant believe it. Dont quite know what to do. Knee jerk reaction is to complain to school but wonder if I should help him do it as type of therapy for him. What do you all think? All suggestions welcome please..

    Do you get worried about people coming to the house Ailsa? I have a panic everytime. My house is always tidy but I feel that I dont want them to see that I have pictures of John up in the cabinet. Only 5 and its not like a shrine but they are obvious. I feel I need to do this as I have a fear of forgetting what he would look like....I am so crazy but cant help it. Do any of you think like this? Is this normal do you think.

    I need to go now. Must not get upset until after Grandson goes to bed. Hope you all have good thoughts and take care.  xx

  • Hi Coral.  I think you should help your grandson do the homework as a form of therapy as you suggest.  However I still think it warrants an enquiry to the school.  It seems a very specific topic

    I do worry about visitors Coral.  I worry what they will think - are there too many Chris things around or are there too few?  I have put Chris in a lot of places.  He and I together are the screen saver on all my computers at home and at work.  When I am away from my work PCs Together Forever scrolls across the screen.  There are photos of Chris on both my desks - I work from 2 sites and have a base at each.  I wear Chris's wedding ring as well as my own.  Although I worry that visitors will think it is too much I don't want to do anything different.  Friends have told me I should do exactly as I please so I have decided to take their advice and trust my instincts.  There are photos of Chris in every room in the house.  I don't think they make anyone uncomfortable.  I will admit to fretting about it but at the same time I can't help it so I am not going the change anything.  I think you should keep displaying your pictures and not worry about.  Ailsa xx

  • I have an A4 size photo of Ray up in  my lounge room and it is urrounded by angels and candles and always has a bunch of white roses nearby. I carry his picture in my purse and also on a key ring.  I have other pictures too. Ifother peopledon't like it then they can stay away. It is my home and I will do as  I please.

    Take care all.   Love and angel hugs x x Patricia x x

  • I lost my beautiful wife Nic 10 days ago to breast cancer secondary bone cancer.I have 2 kids 1 of which was born whilst she was receiving treatment,ive got to bury the love of my life tommorrow.Ikeep crying cant get up in the morning and feel that no 1 understands I feel compleately alone even though ive got the two kids and family around.I just cant function properly and am missing her so much.Sorry to put this out there,but i feel that only someone whos been through this experience would understand.

    thanks dave

  • Sorry to hear you`ve lost your wife xxx

    Will be thinking of you tomorrow. It is 5 1/2 months since I lost my hubbie, don`t apologise that`s what this site is all about and everything you`re feeling is normal. I know exactly how you feel, take a day at a time and look after yourself and your lovely kids. They`ll keep you going. This site has been great for me, keep posting, it really does help.

    Helen xxx

  • Thank you Helen.It was great of you to reply to my post .It means a lot to me to know i am not alone.

  • Hello everyone.  Hello especially to you Dave T.  I am so sorry to hear you have to join us but please keep posting.  This site is a life line for each of us and gets us through some terrible times when only someone else doing it can really understand.  Your kids will be your drive and energy to get you through tomorrow and all the days after tomorrow.  Take care of yourself and them.  We are all here when you need us.  Lots of love.  Ailsa xx

  • Dave, so sorry to hear about your beautiful Nic. Life is so unfair at times (((((((HUGS)))))).  It is quite understandable and normal to feel as though you are a non-funtioning human being. I believe it is nature's way of getting us through the initial stages of loss. My thoughts and prayers will be with you tomorrow.

    It is 33 weeks today since my dear husband Ray died and I miss him so very, very much. 

    I hope that everyone else is managing to get through the days without too much trauma.

    Ailsa as I sit here Ray  is staring out of his picture with a lovely quirky smile.  It makes me smile when I think of the happy time we had the day it was taken but very sad that he is no longer here.

    Take care everyone.   Love and angel hugs x x Patricia x x

  •  

    Why would you want to "get over it" hold onto the memories and let them go at their own pace I really do think this is a sensible way to deal with them.

    don’t wallow in sorrow but don’t have a conscience over the times your sad either .could it be any different all that time together  I think the pressure to "get over it " is a misjudgment and puts unessarsery strain on your life.  I used to advocate the get over it as quick as pos routine but as i have thought about it i realise itys not the way to go with things like memouris

    Pete skipper

  • Hi Coralh,

    Just looked at site and looking for people who have similar experience. My husband died on the 2nd of October. Like you we were together for 33years and married for 30. How can we live without that person now? Sometimes I dont know how I feel. Sometimes I scream into my pillow, sometimes I just feel sad and sometimes I cope ok. I feel guilty when I feel ok (usually when Im with my lovely family and friends/ well sometimes) I dont know if sometimes I cant show emotion because it hurts too much to think??? How are you doing now? My sister in-law is coming to see me this morning as she was married to my brother for over 30years when he was killed in an accident. It is all wrong that these lovely people are no longer here. The thing is we are still young and there may be too many years without them and thats a lot to take in as we thought we would grow old together and used to laugh at what we would be like. If you feel like it I would appreciate contact.

     

    Caroline