We are Macmillan. Cancer Support
I am so sorry, so very sorry to hear your news. Please accept my deepest sympathy and condolences.
What a brave and loving wife you have been. You have done everything you could and more. I am afraid that what you are feeling is understandable given what you have been through. I could wish that you did not have to suffer so much pain, but alas, it is what happens to us when we have loved someone so much.
You will get through this. It probably doesn't seem possible to you at the moment. You can't imagine how that could be. But I will tell you (because I have been in that place where you now find yourself) that little by little, one day at a time, one tiny step at a time, you will start to feel a little better. There will be spaces between the pain, and those spaces will become bigger. Please believe me.
For the moment, get all the help you can. (Glad you've contacted Cruse) Lean on friends, neighbours, any family members. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Get some help from your GP if you are not sleeping.
And talk on here. there are lots of us out of here who know, who understand. You don't need to explain.
Huge hugs to you,
Little Jen X
Hi Little Jen,
So kind of you to send me a reply. It seemed to help me as I read it somehow. I feel so lonely although people are around me. It's like no one understands how I feel and I want people to stop doing things and carrying on as normal. i am trying hard to be strong, I am on antidepressants and sleeping tablets, which I have had for a while.
How do you cope yourself on a daily basis? I am sorry we are both in this sad position,
Oh Scorpio girl. I feel your pain and send a virtual hug. A huge hug.
I lost my beloved, wonderful husband on Sunday 24th Feb. It will be one week tomorrow and I would give anything to have him back. He was just 59.
I feel very strange and go from crying to not believing he has gone. I write notes to remind myself to tell him things when he comes home.... This is the 1st time during the day since he died that I havent had any visitors and as lovely as they have all been I want to scream.
Our sons are due home in an hour. Our youngest got married in Thailand on Feb 21st. We watched it via Face Time. He couldnt get a flight and has been travelling for almost 4 days. I cant wait to see them but dread them coming home to this.
I shouldnt be rabbiting on about my own woes. I just wanted to say I understand how you feel.
Hello again Julie
I do remember thinking, 'Why hasn't the world stopped?' My world felt as though it had come to an end but everyone around was just carrying on doing everyday stuff. Nothing felt real. In truth, I was numb, totally numb and carried on being numb for a long time. I think it's the way our brains try to protect us, and it sort of lets us do things which would otherwise seem impossible.
Everyone finds their own way of dealing with stuff. There is no wrong or right but only what works for you.
I am one of those people who puts on a big front. I've always done it. And I had to do it for a number of reasons for 4 years before my husband died. So I carried on. Made myself get up in the morning, make tea, have shower, get dressed, take dog for walk, tidy a bit........ Get the picture? I'm more or less retired, live on my own with my dog. My kids live away from home, one the other side of the world, i have no brothers or sisters, no parents but I have lovely neighbours and some friends who are amazing.
So I made myself do stuff to keep busy - gardening, joined a choir, went to my art class etc I made myself, absolutely made myself do things. It was hard. Made myself do a bit of teaching again. And so on.......
Remember, I am a few months down the line ...............
Don't think that's much help to you. I had counselling from the hospice and that carries on, and probably will do for a long time. Not everyone does it.
The one thing that's helped me is that I kept a journal and still do. i don't write in it every day now but I do write stuff. And I started a letter to my man - the longest letter I've ever written, in the form of a diary. Again, I don't write every day, but it has helped me. I tell him things. When I am really down, I just write and somehow, I feel better afterwards. I put bits of poems in the book where i write the letter. They help too. When I look back and occasionally read stuff again, I can see things have changed for me. So it can be a positive thing.
I hope you are getting sleep. It makes all the difference, they tell me! (It's something I'm still working on!)
Kind of you to reply to my message. I can feel your pain and please don't worry about telling me your woes, as this is a way we may be able to help each other by letting it out in some way.
I hope you and your sons will find some comfort by being together. Our son who is 21, is back at Uni in Portsmouth, but is coming home at weekends for a while to see me. I am so worried for him though as he keeps his feelings to himself mostly,
Keep in touch,
I will send you my e mail address in a private message if that's ok with you,
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© Macmillan Cancer Support 2010
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