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For those with a warped sense of humour WARNING- no punches pulled here

No. of entries: 2,640 | Posted on 29 Sep 2011 09:08

For those with a warped sense of humour WARNING- no punches pulled here

  • Hi All,

    Thought I'd "check in"

    Been having a busy time of it  - I normally have a warped sense of humour and usually find the absurd funny - except absurd situations are now becoming the "norm" and I'm losing the ability "to see the funny side"

    Given up with the "blog"

    I had the Chariots of Fire soundtrack in my head when I started it and the more I remembered about the sequence of events the more the Benny Hill Theme Tune became more appropriate such were the farcical (not in a good way) things that have happened on this "journey" - (Making it sound like we are contestants on the C-Factor now - Unfortunately, OH hasn't even got through to Boot Camp never mind Judges Houses or evenThe LIVE Shows...:(

    I'm a glass half full kinda gal - in fact I get pretty pissed off if the glass isn't topped up regularly and the Barista in this establishment is getting a bit lax.

    Things are shyte and getting shytier by the day and I can't seem to rouse myself to offer words of either sympathy or encouragement despite all the nice people who have offered me plenty of sympathy, advice and encouragement - doesn't help that the "improvements" to this site make it damn near impossible anyway...

    I am reading all your blogs and posts though (when I can find them) - and they sometimes make me smile and sometimes make me cry... I am genuinely happy that some of you are getting some good news and results and hope the good news keeps coming..

    However, in our situation and in keeping with the theme - it's all a pile of BIG pants!!

    Love

    Jinty XX

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Trying to remember..... write notes maybe.. dog piccie, lil sis girls corfu, sunny cupcakes, jinty shyte time, stinker. damn... forgot! maybe it will come back...

    that was a rubbish first line too....

    Shaz, that photo of fac of a dog  is classic.. wish I could give her a cuddle and I am very impressed with your IT skills.... So nice to have you back with us on warped. I've missed you in blogland too... stop making curtains and chat with us... none of us can hang the bl**dy things anyway! says Little My in her cutainless bedroom that backs onto the playing fields of St Trinians..

    Looks at notes..

    Oh Little Sis is in Corfu with her daughters and hubby How cool is that??? I expect she can't breathe from hugs rather than pants... though daughters are at that age when hugs might not be cool... I bet they are though. You can camp out in strong pants no2 Annette, cos I can't breathe in them and baggy is getting cross and refusing to do anything... sending them over now.. should be room for the girls as well as you and hubby!

    Sunny, somehow I think I forgot to mention about you going to all that bother with cupcakes and last chemo! Wow... you are thoughtful and well brung up.. my mum would have been proud of you! I let her down with stuff like that, though I did remember to take a prezzie when I met Cariad (even if it was silly and from the charity shop) Watch they don't get you back in on false pretenses so they get more cupcakes...

    Hi Stinker, I know you wrote something about going out for coffee on Fridays... sorry the rest has gone. Hi!!

    Jinty, sorry you are having a shyte time. Wish you were not. Hope I can make you smile more often than making you cry... and the biggest squeeziest hug to you from me. and I have strong pants so I can ha ha! So good to hear from you though...

    I am lying in bed with toast and big frothy coffee and laptop and I have to say the bedroom is looking rather lovely now and perhaps it was worth the bit of lying down someone had to do afterwards....

    Love you all

    Little My

    ps I am getting a bit scared about this ball with all you ginormously (sp?) boobed women who are taller than me wandering around with Madonna cones Ouch, you'll have someone's eye out with that is translating to you'll have my eye out!!! and I can't duck very well due to strong pants. Midn you, as Tim is threatening to cordon me off in the naughty corner anyway, maybe I will be safe there.

    I have offered to get my shiny bits out for the fundraising snigger... what about the rest of you? Actually, now I have my strong pants on, that might be easier said than done... 3 hours later... no wait, nearly there says LM...

    Toast is getting cold..

    Big hugs

    Little My xxx

     

  • Just had to pop in to say to Jinty, I sympathise with you and know exactly what you mean about this pouncy "Imporved" site.

    The last thing it is, is improved. Sometimes Simple is the best solution!

    I can't find anyones blogs, I haven't had the energy, time or inclination to even bother "fighting" with this site to find them. Like you I can't even be bothered to update my own blog - though I just have to say I am concerned about your poor little dog and where he ended up!

    Also I am very sorry to hear that you are having such a rough ride at the moment.

    Actually - perhaps that was the thinking behind this "NEW" site. - Everyone is "fighting" this damned diesease so they are used to it, why not make the site to help them find advice, and support a "fight" as well.

    At a time when my children are testing my patients to the limit, I don't need a website that does as well.

    Take care everyone.

    Susan

  • Just had to pop in and say hi to you Sue.. and while it was there on the activity page and I could find it ha ha.... Biggest hug to you.

    school tomorrow so you may get a bit of peace. Try and get someone to take them off for the odd hour if possible...

    Hmmm I seem to remember saying this to you before.

    Just want to say hi and send you all biggest hugs and even if you can't find anything or anyone, maybe you still get emails coming through so if you do, I am thinking of you all so much all the time and sending you lots of love and a big hug.

    Little My xxx

    ps I have been pretty good today and not done too much and no evidence of sausages yet..... (must be the pants)

    Not much poo either mind you and I am having the windy bean and lentil stew for lunch tomorrow at school... I am getting nervous that even invincible pants won't be able to hold that lot in when it finally blows! Could get messy. Maybe I can strategically aim it ha ha

    Apparently we are getting friends activity next week- hope that helps a bit.

    I have been nagging admin by email all day about stuff... the one that made me laugh was i got an email saying someone was now following me. eeek. They are not a friend of mine and when I looked at their page it said,

    I would rather not say- just researching...

    hmmm researching what? and following me? hmmm not going to get much sense there. Admin said send them a polite pm asking them what they are researching or remove them from your friends list. I keep telling admin that they are not my friend and there is no way to send them a pm except for asking them to be my friend which kind of defeats the purpose etc... now she says she'll pass it on to the day time people ha ha

    What was that you said about fighting? I've got me invincible knickers on so I am up for fight with anyone... actually this site is kind of making me want to have a fight.....

    Come on over here if you think you're hard enough....

    she says legging it in the opposite direction.

    School day tomorrow so got to go and have a shower, do my little blue bag duty (cos I forgot all week again) check my sausages are in and not out, clean baggy etc. What an exciting life I lead.

    Better wash my best little strong pants (compromise) for Friday too... GC day.

    Don't know how I got into italics... hmmm oh well.

    Big gug opps hugs to you

    Little My xxx

  • Well You Know me - I love to upset covention - just for the hell of it !! So here goes, a sensible start - sorry !! This is worth reading each morning - Lol bet you claim not to have the time !! I originally posted this back in March

    Pour Yourselves a Glass of Wine Or a Cup Of Tea and Spend 10 minutes - its is Worth Reading and Thinking About
     
    Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
    and remember what peace there may be in silence.
     
    As far as possible, without surrender,
    be on good terms with all persons.
    Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
    and listen to others,
    even to the dull and the ignorant;
    they too have their story.
    Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
    they are vexatious to the spirit.
     
    If you compare yourself with others,
    you may become vain or bitter,
    for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
    Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
    Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
    it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
     
    Exercise caution in your business affairs,
    for the world is full of trickery.
    But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
    many persons strive for high ideals,
    and everywhere life is full of heroism.
    Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
    Neither be cynical about love,
    for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
    it is as perennial as the grass.
     
    Take kindly the counsel of the years,
    gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
    Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
    But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
    Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

    Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
    You are a child of the universe. no less than the trees and the stars;
    you have a right to be here, And whether or not it is clear to you,
    no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

    Be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him or Her to be.
    And whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life,
    keep peace in your soul.

    Max Ehrmann

    Well sensible bit over ok ? Feel sorry for little My, worried about the ball and Busty girls, lol - eat your heart out - I have Moobs !! - (Man Boobs), not even going to mention balls again !

    The person following you ? think its maybe a friend message, but could also be the tax man or the Dla people, you are not claiming  for Big pants are you while working by any chance ? - There is a penalty for claiming them with intent - sorry In tent You said they were big  - Ok Not my best adlib Remember you cannot make some one love you - best you can hope for is to stalk them and hope the give in - well works for me !!

    So off to Christies tomorrow, 6 months since being microwaved, latest results due, results fall into 3 groups - Err - Tender !!, Well Done !!! or my normal Status - Half Baked !!, thought it was worth throwing that one in for the hell of it !

    Found the perfect way to get co-ordinated underwear !! My wife washes everything with a red jumper perfectly matched sets now - every bloody thing is Pink - for some reason been banned from the gym and sauna now - strange.

    Sorry for being sensible

    Ok Better go, they need to lock the ward and medicate us - Hugs Guys XX

    John xx

  • John, Sue, Sunny and My,

    Thanks for your messages..

    Just to show "all is not lost" on the "smile" front...

    John,

    I "heart" Desiderata - except the bit about loud people - that hurts :)

    This is my favourite "funny" version of it 

    Billy Connolly's Desiderata

    Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.

    Have lots of long lie-ins.

    Wear sturdy socks, learn to grow out of medium underwear and if you must lie about your age, do it in the other direction: tell people you're ninety-seven and they'll think you look f****** great.

    Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away.

    Never eat food that comes in a bucket. 

    If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting. Boo joggers. Don't work out, work in.

    Play the banjo.  

    Sleep with somebody you like.

    Eat plenty of Liquorice Allsorts.

    Try to live in a place you like. 

    Marry somebody you like.

    Try to do a job you like. 

    Never turn down an opportunity to shout, 'F*** them all!' at the top of your voice.

    Avoid bigots of all descriptions. 

    Let your own bed become to you what the Pole Star was to sailors of old ... look forward to it.

    Don't wear tight underwear on aeroplanes.

    Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? ... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.

    Clean your teeth and keep the company of people who will tell you when there's spinach on them.

    Avoid people who say they know the answer and keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.

    Don't pat animals with sneaky eyes. 

    If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11 a.m., start one. 

    Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swearwords.

    If you write a book, be sure it has exactly seventy-six 'fuck's in it.

    Avoid giving LSD to guide dogs.

    Don't be talked into wearing a uniform and salute nobody. 

    Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.

    Campaign against blue Smarties.

    Above all, go to Glasgow at least once in your life and have a roll and square sliced sausage and a cup of tea. When you feel the tea coursing over your spice-singed tongue, you'll know what I mean when I say...

    'It's good to be alive!'"

  • Message for Sue re the "dog"

    Sweep the "pees when the doorbell rings" Cocker Spaniel (Working Breed) is Ladying it up in Troon (by the seaside) and to my knowledge "cares not a jot" about us as long as she is fed and admired for her good looks...

  • Hi Jinty,

    Thank you for your message, I am pleased the dog is safe, I had visions of you all squished in the little flat and the poor thing not knowing if she was coming or going.

    I am sure she does miss you, dogs - well most animals, are very much like young children. They don't seem to care on the outside, but deep down they do but they don't know or aren't sure what is happening to them and those they love around them.

    I am sure that when she next sees you she will be all over you as only a cocker spaniel can be - I am sure they have more spring in them than springer spaniels :-)

    Take care and hope you are getting plenty of hugs.

    Susan

     

  • PS. Meant to also say to Little My I have been getting little breaks, problem is kids tend to "make me pay" afterwards.

    Last Thursday evening My daughter and I had a very pleasant evening together visiting the first view of a secondary school. We have a few more this coming week, and my sister has offered (and I accepted) to be with the boys at home so we don't have them distracting/annoying us.

    Also I suffer badly from a bad back (since the birth of my children) and have been receiving physio in the form of a 20 minute massage once a week, which is really nice.

    And today some rels are down (came for the funeral) from Scotland, we went to the local formal gardens which was really nice, and then came back to my house for lunch (mostly leftovers from the wake) then took the children down the road to the local swing park so I could have a break.

    Then they took us out for dinner.

    So I have had a realy nice day.

    On Tuesday my children do after school clubs, so I get until 4:20pm (time to go and collect), as the older two (who finish at 4pm have been going to a friends house (lives around the corner from us and whose son also finishes at 4pm) and the younger one finishes at 4:30pm. And I have to say it is rather nice having that bit of extra time.

    Susan

  • Good morning all,

    Caught up since last here at weekend.  Annette, enjoy your hols even in cramped situations! relax, enjoy the weather etc. etc. haha.

    Hi Jinty, glad you're persevering with the site, it's a pain isn't it? but i see you have got lots of hugs from popping on here, it's very theraputic isn't it?  and I love your Billy Connolly version, i've just laughed my socks off. take care and here's some more hugs x

    John, very deep and sensible lol, and the matching underwear tip would be great if they did come out a pretty pink, but why do they always look dirty wishy washy pink, or blue or grey?

    Hope baggy and sausages behave themselves for you in school today LM, it's not so bad if they are good and wait till you get home, so here's me crossing my fingers and giving them a stern look.

    Hi Sue, My two kids aren't kids anymore, 24 and 21, though my son still lives at home and is in Uni.  I seem to fuss and clean up after him more now than i ever did haha.  But it's a long time since i did the school runs and juggling everything at once, busy busy busy, take care and enjoy the little relax you get.

    Hope you had a good fishing time Tim, whenever you pop in? and the manflu has subsided.

    Well i'm off to pick up my mum and dad.  Taking them out for some christmas shopping!! yes i know, am i the first to mention Christmas shopping.  But my mum always starts in October and by November, she'll have written all her cards and i'll have wrapped all her pressies with her, until then she's like a headless chicken over it, she gets quite anxious about the whole affair.  Don't know wether it's down to her age 78 or she's always been that way lol.

    Take care all

    Jan x

     

  • Before cancer took hold of our lives, I would start my christmas shopping in the January sales (which have you noticed seem to last all year these days). By October I would aim to have evrything bought (not wrapped, though one year I wrapped stuff, forgot to right the tags and then in November had to open and re-wrap everything - and put tags on.

    I usually make my Christmas cards in August and aim to have them written by the middle of November.

    This year, friends and family will be lucky if they get a card and maybe a bit of wrapping paper :-)

    Though I have to admit I did buy a present for my mum in August.and I can't put it down to my age as I am just over half your mum's age.

    Good luck with your Mum's Christmas Shopping :-)

     

  • To paraphrase Alan Rickman as the Sheriff of Nottingham: Christmas is cancelled!

  • Alright my babbers! (That's a bit of Bristolian by the way)

    Well I have surfaced again Jan, and trying to catch up on what's gone on but it is hard on this new site, even wrote a little blog to sum up the last few days. Today has been a revalation since between coming into work and now I feel so much better, so looks like I have finally kicked the bugs.

    I was most impressed by the dieaderrry thingys that John and Jinty had written, both uplifting and humours, thanks for posting them. Sorry to hear about your trials and tribulations with the kids Sue, I can sympathise with you on that.

    Hmmm, what else was written..... Oh Jan if you read my blog you'll see that my fishing yesterday was a disaster, jaws dragged my rod and reel in and I ended up snapping a rod (not in temper just bad luck). Still it was better than going shopping for shiny things or anything else, I hate shopping!

    I'm sure there is much more I wanted to say...... Oh I hope Christmas is not cancelled Hilary, but I'm also worried it could be for me if I have my reversal op and the bottom area doesn't work properly. I may need some special big pants too, so will be looking to you experts out there for advice, you know who you are ;-)

    Did anyone watch the Steven Fry program last night on BBC2, Planet Word I think it was called. It was all about swear words, and I found it hilarious. If you've got i player or something that can watch old progs look for it cos it was firking brilliant!

    Tight Lines

    Tim xxx

  • Watched it last night Tim, and laughed my socks off.  Brian Blessid (can't spell that), is just brill, I love him.  Gotta watch it you lot xx

    Take care all

    Jan x

  • Hilary,

    Hoping you pick up the private maessage i've sent you.  Incase you don't know, click on community home, top left corner, then private messages.  I've also left a post on your blog from this morning.  I seem to have upset you and am so sorry, it's not my intension at all.  My post was meant to be light hearted and funny and now i'm really upset that i have in some way offended you.  My message explains my post in full and the fact that actually i trully empathise with you, as i am brittle asthmatic myself, not that that in any way must be like what you are dealing with right now.

    Sometimes, it's hard to express on here in words, what we mean in our heads, but we are all here to support and make friends to carry us through this bl***y awful disease and i know that not one of us would offend or upset with intent.

    Take care all

    Jan

    p.s. Think i'm gonna give up on this site right now and get on with other things, i wish you all the very best and hugs and love to each and everyone of you xx