Bereaved spouses and partners

Forum Post: Re: In a Dilemma

AlandEi — Fri, 24 May 2013 09:15:00 GMT

Thanks Sally, yes on reflection this morning, I have all of the time in the world. Strange how we think that we need to have everything packaged away neatly as soon as possible isn't it... thoughts of our own vunerability as Monica pointed out perhaps ?

Good luck with Spain, I do not envy your returning to the place you spent so many happy times with Mike, but that is a big dilemma that needs sorting out, it makes mine pale into insignificance... We need some of Penelope's strength and resolve to see us through... :)

I suppose if you think about it Sally, we are starting to function again. Your illness seems to have made you stronger I feel ?. So glad you are feeling better and a good idea to take time off work until you are fully fit again. Perhaps you are not hiding from the outside so much, rather being under the weather makes us more "homey" and physical illness is much worse for we bereaved folks I believe, as we have more than enough on our plates as it is at the moment, so yes, you will be exhausted.

Being selfish, I always feel a little better the day after going to see Keith and having a chat... I talk to Florence and Eirwen at home every day anyhow, (men in white coats are on their way) but visiting and taking flowers to the crem seems like I am still doing something meaningful for Ei... does that make sense ?

Yes, Mike sounds like a really nice guy and I probably would have liked him too, what if's and if only's eh !.

Be well, and keep us posted on Spain... Alan X

Forum Post: Re: Good Day

Penelope — Fri, 24 May 2013 02:26:00 GMT

I think that the aim is for every bad day to have a moment of contentment - maybe a patch of blue sky, a bird singing, no change of tax code letter - and for every good day to have a moment of reflection...... then we will have truly cracked how to live this different life we do not want but have no choice over - Penelope

Forum Post: Re: Impotent rage

carolab — Thu, 23 May 2013 20:22:00 GMT

Jen,

I always like to see people wearing relatives medals. Wear it with pride. It keeps them and what they did alive.

On a brighter note about the war, my darling grandson phoned me to get help with a school project. Bless him, he wanted to know what my memories of the war were. I know to him I am an old wrinkly but I told him he knew my age and to do the maths. I was born in December 1944.

Carol

Forum Post: Re: Connected

AlandEi — Thu, 23 May 2013 20:02:00 GMT

That is great that you are feeling a little better and coping better Sally. it is scary for a while when unwell alone though. It is ironic when we who have cared so much for others, also have to struggle alone and care for ourselves. It is so unfair considering what we have been through already, which is what upset me so much when I heard of your difficulties.

I don't know about charred Carole, but we are all scarred I feel, and for life I am afraid. Do you think stronger ? I feel that I am close to the last of my resources sometimes, though of course when the going gets tough, the tough get going as every one of us here have proved. But the cost to our own well being, mentally as well as physically has been very high... perhaps in time I may be stronger, and hope that for all of us.

Alan X X

Forum Post: Feeling Better

Dillon — Thu, 23 May 2013 18:30:00 GMT

Hi Sally Glad you are starting to feel better, and managing to eat something, I was poorly last week, and felt sorry for my self being on my own. I know what you mean about sleep, it's two years since John passed away and was I'll for sixteen months, with having the weakness n his left side, I used to get up every two hours through the night to check on him and help him if needed, I couldn't switch off as John started having seizures six months after he had his brain tumour removed and they continued right until the end, they couldn't seem to control them with the medication, quite a few times we were rushing him to hospital, one night he had thirteen and they sedated at home in the end, I bloody hated them, and even more so for John. Sorry I am rambling now. Take Care Carole xx

Forum Post: Re: Big Dreams

987654321 — Wed, 22 May 2013 21:58:00 GMT

Hi Dana Thanks feeling a little better today now that the antibiotics have started working. Just no energy for anything so not planning on work tomorrow will give it another day, Feel bad but no energy or enthusiasm to make myself go. Yes being unable to get out of bed to get a drink and no one to ask is hard. But I must say that closing the curtains and locking the front door to the world was kind of nice as I didn't have to put on a pretence to anyone, no false smiles, or " ok Im fine" to say. Something I or we do on a daily basis. I could just be me in how I looked or didn't look, wallow in my self, cry when it didn't hurt too much. I did miss being able to Skype my grandson today but wasn't up to it. Although I had e mailed my daughter in law and said I had been laid up for a few days it would have been nice to have had a reply. Just feeling lonely once more. Hope things with you are ticking over. Sally

Forum Post: Re: So that's why I feel like this........

LittleJen — Wed, 22 May 2013 21:46:00 GMT

Glad you are feeling more positive, Niamh. I am not a great fan of housework. Tend to think you get to a certain level of dust and you don't notice any extra layers. Oh ok, I'm a slob then!

Yes you WILL survive. We all will, you are right. As I keep saying, we are all warriors.........

Hugs,

Jen X

Forum Post: Re: Been back to that dark place, but on the way up again

LittleJen — Wed, 22 May 2013 21:42:00 GMT

Glad to hear you are feeling a bit better, Alan.

Now I am a great believer in the old Work Ethic. Hence have been cutting grass till it was nearly dark. But I have to say I'd rather be outside than indoors at the mo.

When you've finished attacking your house, any chance you could come round and sort out my mess?!!! I finally but finally got round to looking at D's desk and deciding that it was no good, I had to make it 'mine.' So I did give it a clean and tidy and now there is space to work. It made me smile. He was obsessive about stationery. So I need never buy another single pen or pencil or ruler or pencil sharpener............ The desk has drawers full of these things. Along with every single diary since he arrived in the UK. But I don't care to read those. That's not quite true. Started to read the very first one some months ago and had to stop and tear it up and throw it away. Past lives and all that..........

Hurray for chaotic, non-minimalist houses. And I'm glad the sparkly glass was a happy thing for you.

Jen X

Forum Post: Re: Today was a different day

LittleJen — Wed, 22 May 2013 21:28:00 GMT

Happy to have given you a reminder of a special moment, Tim. I'm a great believer in the healing powers of the great outdoors. Perhaps that's why I like being in the garden.

Jen X

Forum Post: Re: So Sad

danapayne — Wed, 22 May 2013 20:54:00 GMT

Hello Mel

So sorry who have joined our group but you will find lots of support here. We all have a different story to tell and are different ages with different circumstances, but that is our strength because you will get different advice and different views. This is the one place where you don't have to be strong or pretend. You can rant, or simply put your feelings down and no one will judge you.

Our youngest son was 14 when Mike died last September .

There a quite a few of us on here with dependent children some younger than yours.

It is so hard trying to be mum and dad. But for now just take each at a time and focus on what needs doing just for that day.

Accept any help you can get and just take your time.

We have no choice but to go but that doesn't mean is is easy..

Take care and you will always have a friend here

Dana

Forum Post: Re: dreamed of myhusband,,,

AlandEi — Wed, 22 May 2013 08:16:00 GMT

Nothing wrong with a glass or three of wine Wigmaker... I climbed into the whiskey bottle for three months after Florence, but total abstinence over Eirwen... indeed I believe that no one on here believes you are a "lush". as I definitely was all those years ago for a while.

Have a good day today, I hope it turns out well for you in that beautiful part of England I have not visited for many years.

Alan X

Forum Post: Re: dreamed of my husband........

AlandEi — Wed, 22 May 2013 07:48:00 GMT

Lucky ladies... like Niamh, not all of my dreams were pleasant, for the first few months I suffered terrible nightmares, not particularly about Eirwen, though I did hear her cry with pain a few times which woke me, but mostly dreams of my inadequacy and inability in general, due I am sure because of my being unable to save her, when she had so confidently put her life into my hands believing that I would make everything alright again.

The Sertraline seems to have helped in that respect, though less than a month on that medication at the moment, my spirits are lifting and the nightmares diminishing... when I do hear her voice and wake answering her she is no longer in pain... I am now just over five months down the line.

Eirwen told me of a vivid experience she had some time after her Keith passed away over ten and a half years ago. She woke and he was sat on the end of the bed and told her he had been looking for her... she told him that he had died, so he rose and walked out of the bedroom saying, "don't follow me", and disappeared into a light eminating from the hallway. Ei glimpsed and felt his prescence many times for nearly a year and a half afterwards in their flat, until I came on the scene, and a few weeks after we met and knew we would be together for the rest of our lives, Ei saw Keith walk out of the font door and never saw or felt his prescence again... perhaps he realised she would now be safe with me as I truly loved her.

Flights of fancy ?... who knows, there is more on this heaven and earth than we will ever know about. but Eirwen was adament that she saw and felt what she did.

Alan X

Forum Post: Re: I got through yesterday

tomorrow — Tue, 21 May 2013 21:26:00 GMT

Hi Angie,

It is a certainty that your husband would be proud of you I am glad that you were joined by lots of friends and family to celebrate his life.Life does go on with ups and downs but the downs get less with time Take care x

Forum Post: Keeping Busy

Dillon — Tue, 21 May 2013 19:45:00 GMT

Hi All Thank you all for your kind remarks, hopefully it will do well and raise lots of money. Sally I hope you feel better soon, The tablets will kick in soon have plenty of fluids.Thinking of you Alan nice to have you back you have done really well and make huge steps. Be proud of your self. Jen know how exactly you are feeling,over the two,years have had many deep thoughts, but then I would think like you and feel shellfish as John didn't have a choice. Carole xx

Forum Post: Re: I am not one for lining up memorial dates, but ..

Tim E — Mon, 20 May 2013 12:34:00 GMT

Penelope,

Just a quick response before my lunch break is up.

I talked up all the time during Laing's cancer. I said I wanted these photos as something we could look back on. Yes, I was talking about him surviving even though I knew the odds for one year were stacked against him. Look at some of stories in Macmillan. Some have been given a couple of months and are still going. It can happen, it just depends how the Fates give out their gifts or withhold them. This is the best I will ever achieve with a camera in my hand, and I am pretty good self schooled snapper. That experience taught me how the likes of Lee Miller (and I am fan of her work) could stand back in places like Belsen and not only record the events, but also still make sure the images were not just 'snaps' but well composed, harrowing, but brilliant as well as he more commercial work.

I was with somebody I met through the Macmillan website, in the restaurant where we had our wedding lunch. We were not far from where we sat. It was my choice, my decision and not one I could or would regret.

It was all well and good until I started talking about my mother. That's when the water works started. 20 years ago and it still smarts when I least expect it. Laing's death I can cope with.

Sunday I coped. I washed and dried towels, shirts, underwear and socks, went shopping (all tasks he did for me to make my life easy, I just had to work ad come home every day). I changed the Ocado account into my name, arranged to have some f his e-mails directed to me for several mailing subscriptions. We agreed over Leveson and a certain American, born Australian individual, so I'm going to try to keep on with that fight for him. Then It struck me around 5.00/5.30 that it was the 19th, despite mentioning it the day before. (I wish we had emoticons so I could do the slapping hand on the head one at this point). I got out a bottle of perry to enjoy what remained of the day.

Now all I hahe to do is to try to enjoy what's left of the day at the office. I'm sure my numbers were due to come up this weekend on the lottery.

Tim

Forum Post: Re: Race for Life

scorpiogirl — Sun, 19 May 2013 09:51:00 GMT

Wishing tomorrows daughter all the best for today. I'm doing my race on 2nd June at Windsor ! Love. Julie. Xxx

Forum Post: Re: Please remember we are all different.... continued

Sandrag — Sat, 18 May 2013 15:30:00 GMT

Yes you are right Linda. As they say better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Trouble is Tony always loved a good get together but I will have him there with me in my heart.

Forum Post: Re: Shaking and bad days

diamondsgirl — Fri, 17 May 2013 21:15:00 GMT

I live in Surrey so meeting up would be fine, live not far from Hampton Court Palace, and it would be so good to,hear from people who do,not need to know to,have it explained how you are feeling, they will just get it. Right now Imam going the 'angry stage', which I am told,happens .... I have remembered some pretty shit times we had when we could have easily broken up, and for some reason those eighteen months of hell came rushing back into my psyche, and I stopped crying and got mad!!!! It's is supposedly normal...so fine by me, but right now I haven't cried for three days and apart from not sleeping well, am otherwise functioning.... I have ranted around the house holding long conversations/arguments with my husband berating him and really shrieking at him for being such a bastard, and for a while this,has helped me to get my grieving in some sort of perspective and avoid the trap of creating. Golden idol who,could do no,harm. How long this state of mind will last I do not know, but I am aware the shakes and poor memory remains, but I also,hope it is a positive step forward to regaining some control,of myself..........long,may it last!

Forum Post: Re: Miscellaneous matters including AlandEi

allyRHB — Fri, 17 May 2013 15:32:00 GMT

Hi I thought long and hard about posting, I should not be on this page as yet, but in a few months or whatever God grants us I will be. I think people should be able to post what they feel whatever that is, whether its positive or negative, or in despair, or coping. It is what this forum is designed for. And in whatever time I'm in the same boat I don't want to think that if I am in despair I cannot share my innermost thoughts and feelings, There are very few outlets that the bereaved or carers, or those suffering this horrible disease can express themselves. So please let's not deter people. Thanks Ally

Forum Post: Re: Please remember we are all different

scorpiogirl — Fri, 17 May 2013 13:58:00 GMT

Hi Dana.

Well said. Feel much better since reading this, and hope no one leaves the site due to posts that may have upset them,

Love

Julie xxxx