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My sis is here for a few days Im hardly speaking. I am so damn lonely what is wrong with me, i have company but the tears are only under the surface. Some day soon everyone will go back to their unchanged lives whereas mine is changed beyond recognition.
Im angry that hes left me angry that he couldnt stay yet wouldnt wish him back going through the pain of the final few weeks. I cant cook i cant fix things that go wrong he did all of this for me. Im 50 years old and honestly have no idea how to fend for myself. I dont eat unless its something my sis makes or take away. I want the freezer to be filled with his home made goodies.
Im falling apart and unravelling tonight
This is so hard tonight the pain is washing over me in what i can only describe as waves. 4 weeks ago today we were planning his discharge from the hospice, planning his break with the boys and our holiday. 2 days later he's gone
I cant make sense of this tonight
I so understand, in the early days I didn't talk much and certainly did not want to eat. Kim was a chef and did all our cooking. Take care of yourself, I hear M&S do frozen meals which might be enough to get by.
People do go back to their lives, it has happened to all of us. Do you have anyone to talk to? Counceling can be quite theraputic, just getting it all out to someone who understands.
Kim refused to get angry about his cancer, he said it was no ones fault, just bad luck. He was very upset about it but he was more sad than angry. We have our eldest son's 21st this weekend, Kim would have loved it but he never got to see any 21st's, never got to see any grandchildren or any weddings. All things that made him very sad, there were many tears before he died.
You need time, take any help you can get and most of all, look after yourself. Make sure you eat, sleep - it will get easier but it takes time. I'm only sorry there is no magic answer.
Sorry Kat your feel down tonight ,I know how you feel I could be with a thousand people and would be so lonely ,I look at pictures of my husband russ and it seems years have gone by since I last saw him and it was three weeks ago.
This family wedding I am going to on Saturday should be fun I will be like you and not want to talk to much and if they mention russ in the speech they will finish me off .I think I will go back to one day at time which I keep being told to do.
I hope me rambling on makes. You feel a little better,will let you know what happens Saturday,hoping
Your day tommorrow is a little bit easier
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