it's 9 weeks today since I lost my soul mate. You probably all know that by now! I do tend to repeat myself and so apologise in advance.
Another miserable, lonely Sunday looms long infront of me. Everyone spends the weekends with their families... I cried for an hour yesterday because my SIL was texting me and she said she had to go cos her hubby had just appeared back from doing something and he would be 'wanting a fry.' I would give everything/anything to be making Jeremy a fry...
Woe is me. I think I will always hate Sundays. Mind you, other days arent much better.
Sunday hugs to all my suffering friends
Big hug to you, I know exactly what you mean as I am here thinking exactly the same thing. Its been 4 months for me and here I am sitting crying, wanting to make Steve breakfast, just like you want to be making Jeremy breakfast, I like you just want him back, and knowing that is never going to happen is heartbreaking.
Take care Heather, I'm here holding your hand
Please don't apologise Heather, we all count the hours/days/months... Eirwen could rattle off to the minute how long she had been with Keith, and used to if anyone asked how long they were together... ashamed to say I couldn't with Florence's time, just 34 years and with Eirwen as each 18th passes I think "thats another month without her".
I determined to keep busy yesterday and did for as you say the weekends are worse... but today I slept late. 0730, poor Millie had wet in the hall by the front door as used to being up early with me now, so after I had attended to that and lit the woodburner, I find cannot get into gear at all today, just sitting, make the occasional coffee or tea... no phone calls, no e-mails, no callers, even this place is quiet.
I can't bear to listen to music or watch TV so can't immerse myself into that. I have tried but turn the TV off after 10 minutes as I just can't abide it... just the news every other day, and that usually early morning.
Yes, Sundays are crap, can't even be bothered cooking a proper roast... something and chips I think today... soon be bedtime then Monday thank goodness. I used to hate Mondays, now I am glad to see Monday as it means Sunday is over.
It is 11 weeks since Russell passed away and today I looked out in the front garden and felt like sobbing my heart out, as there are weeds growing through the shingle drive, and there is no way he would have allowed it to get like that. He would be out there, pulling them all up and getting the garden prepared.
I haven't got the energy and feel so depressed at the thought of doing any gardening at the moment. I'm having a new patio built and have decided to splash out on a hot tub, so i can sit in there with friends and family and put some fun times back into our lives after cancer sucked out any hope we had and ruined our lives from June 2011 to Feb 2013.
Sundays are horrible, any day is filled with sad thoughts for me, and I am trying so hard to keep moving forward,
Love to you all today and every day, my friends going through this nightmare experience called grief,
Take care of yourselves,
Made the effort to take the dogs out with my friend & a coffee by the river, it's nice because she is happy for me to talk about Mark & very easy company, it's a lovely walk & all the time I think why didn't Mark & I come this way, there is no joy in anything without him.
Now I'm home &, like you all, there is a long day stretching ahead, lunch which I won't want to eat, pop to see my Mum in law at her care home, she will ask me how Mark is because she has dementia and can't remember that he is no longer with us.
Like you Julie I look at the garden, by now Mark would have probably have mowed the lawn and been sitting out with something cool to drink. The thought of being without him for years to come is unbearable, I know he will be willing me to buck up but I tell him "it's not that easy" and I can't see that it ever will be. This will sound mad but I hate the sunshine & longer evenings as he's not here to share it with me.
My heart is with you all.
Cambridge has to wait until after the bank holiday weekend. As for making friends - I've made plenty here who never knew Laing. You know what, that's all to the good. Those who knew him are special (like the two ladies I lunched with last Sunday), but they cannot be the core of my life. I need and must expand my world.
When you think how badly we have been affected, you come across those who are suffering in different ways you realise we cannot allow ourselves to let self pity be our watchword. This woman is amazing. She can feed herself well on a restricted income and promotes the idea you can do it on a web site. She isn't telling people, she's showing them by her deeds. Some of the recipes look enticing.
Here's what I posted when it came up for my 3 months.
You have to rely on yourself. It's not easy. I know. I've only got me.
So sorry you had no calls Sally, I have been thinking of you, and many others have on here I am sure. A new and better day tomorrow.
I am trying not to count the weeks and months now as it does hurt to make anniveraries of them, but it is unavoidable to take note I know..
Sleep well... Alan X
Thankfully Sunday is nearly over folks. I had friends in when 9 o'clock came. I kept looking at my watch but didnt want to say 'This is the time Jeremy died.' They probably wondered what I was doing. Oh how I miss him, more and more and more, each and every day.
Hugs to everyone and thank heavens for all of you. Not that I would wish anyone to be in this position. I just cant get over how alike we all think and feel.
I have been listening to this old song. Very apt.
You sheltered me from harmKept me warm, kept me warmYou gave my life to meSet me free, set me freeThe finest years I ever knewWere all the years I had with youI would give anything I ownGive up me life, my heart, my homeI would give everything I ownJust to have you back againYou taught me how to loveWhat it's of, what it's ofYou never said too muchBut still you showed the wayAnd I knew from watching youNobody else could ever knowThe part of me that can't let goI would give anything I ownGive up me life, my heart, my homeI would give everything I ownJust to have you back againIs there someone you knowYou're loving them soBut taking them all for grantedYou may lose them one daySomeone takes them awayAnd they don't hear the words you long to sayI would give anything I ownGive up me life, my heart, my homeI would give everything I ownJust to have you back again
Sending love to all on here and saying goodnight and goodbye to Sunday. Wishing you all a better week, it is tough, life is cruel, but we have been able to chat to eachother and help in some way. I find when I get stressed, I can type away on my laptop and someone, somewhere understands what we are going through each day,
Sleep well if you can,
If you have any questions about Macmillan we would love to hear from you
You can also follow us on Facebook, Twitter, Flickr or YouTube.
© Macmillan Cancer Support 2015
what are these?