Overwhelmed, scared to be alone..

Bereaved spouses and partners

For widows, widowers and anyone who has lost a husband, wife, partner or civil partner to cancer.

Overwhelmed, scared to be alone..

No. of entries: 8 | Posted on 30 Mar 2013 07:00
  • My beloved husband died on 22 March at 19.50..I know because I looked at the clock.. he was at home as he had wanted and surrounded by all his family telling him we loved him.

    Our lives are now irrevocably changed - all of our children are being amazing and helping with all the organising for the funeral as well as necessary paperwork.  They tell me what to do, and when and what to sign.  Putting one foot in front of the other is about all I can manage on my own.  I went to the local chemist to return my husband's drugs and burst into tears on the pavement outside and raced home.

    My bad moments - all day and night but not crying all the time, just the deepest sorrow I have ever experienced, deep down in my gut, the overwhelming feeling of loss and fear.

    Our children are coping in different ways, I have concerns for the two who suffer very badly from migraines and the one who overwhelms us with her grief and tells me every time she has a bad moment.

    Friends have been wonderful, the tributes are pouring in for my husband, both public and private, some talking about a man I knew but who belonged in the public arena and was not my husband, my private man, my love.  I almost resent sharing him, but know he would be very proud of what is being said.

    The funeral is on the 8 April - all the official stuff with that has been done, the flowers bought, the frock bought, and now we wait, and afterwards is a place I cannot imagine without him and right now do not want to think about.  All I can feel is the searing loneliness, even when the family are here, I realise I am alone, no longer part of a couple, with someone I can talk to at night about what we have done and giggle about people we have met, but alone.

    The district nurses, the clinical team from the Hospice have disappeared, their support throughout those last days was magnificent, but I miss them too, their hugs, their banter and their care.

    I miss him so much

    Fight for the rarer cancers, go to www.sarcoma.org.uk to make a difference

  • Diamondsgirl I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are going through. Everyone on this site has been at some point where you are today and will support you throughout. I understand your feelings of loss and fear, I am feeling the same after losing my husband on 9th March. All I can tell you is that you will get through the next days or so until the funeral because you will be focused on making the day the wonderful tribute to your wonderful man the best you can. My husbands funeral was two days ago and I now have to deal with "real life" whatever that is! Just be kind to yourself and your children will deal with their own grief their way, you have supported them for years, you won't stop now its in built in us mothers. Know that your not alone and I am sending you a hug Wendy xx
  • Dear Diamondsgirl,

    You sent me a lovely private mail the other day and I have be desperately trying to reply but for some reason I cannot private mail you. I lost my husband just the day before your loss and you made a lovely suggestion to me and I want you to know that I am here for you if you still like me to be.

    My feelings at the moment are mirroring yours. I just dont know where to turn next. I too miss my husband so much.

    If you go to my profile you will see my e-mail address. If you feel you want to PLEASE e-mail me.

    I am sending you a virtual hug (((x)))

    Sue x

    Sue

  • Diamondsgirl, I am so sorry that you have joined us here. Each of us mourns differently but we all recognise some parts of each others torment. Most seem to manage by not looking ahead, by getting through the next hour, the next decision, the next form to complete. I have found that as soon as I feel overwhelmed, I force myself to say ' I won't think about that now' and find something mundane to occupy my mind. It is inevitable that you will breakdown publicly sometimes - at Sainsbury's checkout, paying for petrol ... there is no shame in this and people are a lot more caring than I ever realised - I found an ' I am so sorry, my husband just died ' meant I was treated with compassion. As you say, not being able to share your day with your life's partner is a terrible shock to the system; the quiet peace of someone who understands and loves unconditionally, the terrible lonliness in a crowd, even a crowd of family. You will find a way to manage this; perhaps a look at a photo, the touch of your wedding ring, a few minutes in a quiet room. I wish you strength to get through, and remember, you can rant and rail on here - no one will judge. Penelope
    Penelope
  • Diamondsgirl. I'm so sorry.

    My heart lurched when I read your post. I feel exactly the same and in ways I find that comforting - to know there are other people who feel the same level of emotion and are completely overwhelmed. Jeremy died on 24th February at 9pm. I am a wee bit ahead of you. I cant give you any words of wisdom, just massive hugs because as you say our lives have changed for ever.

    I am feeling completely overwhelmed and shattered by the enormous loss. I too miss the nurses, though a few of them have called and phone me. Apart from the cremation, the service of celebration and a visit to the doctors I havent been out. I dread leaving the house - because when I do I have to come back to a house without Jeremy. 

    Massive hugs to you

     

    Heather

    Obsessed

  • Diamondsgirl, I am very sorry for your loss.

    Like Heather above my heart lurched too when I read your post. My husband Will died on the 8th March so I am now three weeks in. There is nothing that can take the pain away, but I have found this site very helpful. You are not alone, everyone here is amazing and understand what you are going through.

    I found that I was ok at first coping with the funeral and all the things you have to do, but its only now that reality is beginning to hit home. People feel different emotions at different times but in the end I think we all go through all of them. If you want to vent or rant or need support, post on here and someone will come to your aid. If you don't want to do it in public, private message one of us.

    Sending you a big hug for strength and support.

    Love Sue x

    Sue C

  • Sue cannot seem to contact you.. iM me on here if you can xx

    Fight for the rarer cancers, go to www.sarcoma.org.uk to make a difference

  • Again I can only echo what others have said here.   There is a gaping hole where Steve was, and although it has been three months, it is still there and sometimes seems bigger every day.   Admittedly things have not been helped by the fact  that my dad passed 2 weeks ago, something that Steve would have supported me though and I have certainly felt his loss more keenly the last two weeks than in the few weeks before that.

    I still speak to Steve, I wish him good morning and good night every day, and I tell him about my day when I get home. I have been lucky to have friends and family who have coaxed me out but have been understanding enough to only take me to places where I can go home if I feel overwhelmed.   Take friends up on offers of outings or even visits, but allow time for yourself and let those tears come naturally, whenever it feels right, even if it is in Sainsburys.

    We are all here for you, sending you a big hug

    Helen xxx

     

    Helen

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