Will time make it easy??

Bereaved spouses and partners

For widows, widowers and anyone who has lost a husband, wife, partner or civil partner to cancer.

Will time make it easy??

No. of entries: 16 | Posted on 19 Dec 2012 11:31

Will time make it easy??

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Hi all,

I am fairly new to this forum. I lost my beloved boyfriend of 9 years 2 months ago after a 7 months battle with Lymphoma. It was a very difficult and traumatic time for both of us and the family. Everything happened so quickly and so suddenly. I find it getting harder everyday. A lot of people say to me time will make it easy but it doesn't feel like it. It feel impossible. Sometime I feel I am living for the sake of living.  I lost my soul mate and I miss every single simple thing that I used to take for granted. I hate all happy celebrations, birthday, Christmas, New Year.... They are the hardest. I feel especially upset during happy times, thinking he should be here and knowing he will never ever be able to share all these moments with me again is heart breaking for me. 

I am so scare that I am on the road of losing hope. I can't seem to able to convince myself life is worth living for. I get up everyday to work and put a brave face on to face the rest of the world. Deep down in me my pain is so great that I don't really know how long I could do this. I promise myself when he passed away that I would try my best to live a full life as he die so young and so suddenly. He had so much dreams that he will never ever able to achieve. Places he likes to go and will never able to go. I promise I will do it for him. I want him not to worry about me as I am the only worry he had before he die. It upset me just thinking about he was worried about me before he passed away. This is so hard. I am struggling to find the strength. I don't know how to live a happy life without him. I am exhausted crying myself to sleep every night and try to put a "I am ok" face on (so people are not too worry about me). Will time really make it easy??? 

All Replies
  • Hi Bluestone, I wish I knew the answer to that. I lost my partner of 20 years to Non Small Cell Lung Cancer on 19/11/2012 but it seems like forever since I've seen him. Like yourself I miss him so much that it is like a physical pain that won't go away. Everyone keeps telling me it gets easier but right now it seems worse than ever. I I know Christmas etc doesn't help but I don't feel that I have a reason to keep going on except for doing it because that is what he would want. He had been ill since June 2009 but things became very traumatic in August this year, he spent time in a hospice for pain management & then a palliative care unit for 10 days, but he wanted to be at home. I managed to get him home for 10 days but the last 3 days were the worst in my life & I can't seem to erase that memory. I know telling you all this doesn't help you but just wanted to let you know that I know what you are going through & that you are not alone. I hope we find our way through this difficult time. Take care VeeJayBee xx

  • Hi Bluestone, 

    I know exactly how you feel, I've been feeling pretty much the same for the last six months but I get up each day, take a deep breath and deal with whatever comes my way. It will never be easy but I am finding it a little easier to get through each day. I try to keep myself busy and I give myself space and time. If there was a magic wand I could wave to make it easier then I'd be waving it frantically. As each anniversary comes up I try to go somewhere that we spent time together, maybe the beach (yes even if it's raining),  or for a walk in the fields or even a meal out with friends. Each day, week or month that goes by I still miss him and I know I always will, I just hope the pain lessens with time for us all.

    Sending big hugs your way 

    Tina 

    xxxx

  • Hi TinaT66, Hi VeeJayBee,

    Thank you so much for all your kind words. It bought tears to my eyes. I especially like the idea of the magic wand TinaT66. I wish we all have one which we could wave to bring them back and take our misery away. How good would it be... 

    I know what you mean about can't seem to erase the traumatic memory, VeeJayBee. I keep having flashback of the last few days of his life. I just want to remember the happy memory of him. I have a good cry whenever these horrible memory comes and I will cheer myself up by looking at picture of him making silly face. That normally put a smile on my face knowing he was happy before. He had enjoyed his life even thought it was a short one. 

    Like you TinaT66, I wish too the pain will lessens with time for us all. I don't think the pain will ever go away but just hope we will learn to live with it and take everyday as it comes. Just can't believe there are so many people out there who have lost their partner to cancer. I just hope there will be less people/family going through what we went through. It is the worst thing anyone have to go through.

    (Deep breath... - tip I learn from Tina :-) ) Be strong my dear friends, I am holding on the good memories I had with him and I know he will want me to have a happy life. or try to live a happy life. Thank you so much for listening and sharing tips with me. 

    Thinking of you both during this festive season. Hugs to you both. xxx

  • Hi All

    I am new to this forum and it's taken me a year to come this far.

    I lost my dear husband on the 2nd Dec 2011 and I just can't believe I have survived a year without him. He was only 58 and was first diagnosed in 2006 with a rare cancer Nuroendocrine Tumours (NETS) it was unoperable and untreatable only his symptons could be controlled with a monthly injection. We were stunned to say the least but David was so brave, the only bonus was this was a slow growing cancer and when I look back yes we had three good years (2006-2009) I gave up my job to be with Dave and we lived as well as we colud and holidayed to our favourite destination Italy each year but by 2010 things started to change and David suffered more and more.

    To watch him suffer was very painful and I felt helpless at times, everything happened to quickly towards the end but I kept my promise and David passed away peacefully at home, but that night I will never forget and at times the pain i feel is imense and it feels like my heart and soul has been ripped out of my body. I don't think it gets easier I just think you learn to live with the pain and yes I am sure there will be happy times ahead for us all but sadness is just behind a cupboard door.This Xmas has been the worse as last Xmas I was still in shock, but I am through it with the help of family and friends, but its the thought of starting another New Year without David it feels as if I am moving further away from him.

    I have put together a photo album of just the two of us from the time we met and it is something I can pick up when I want to smile and yes there are tears to. Also I am writing a journal of our 27yrs together, do it if you can because it will be something to look at in the future, don't forget those wonderful times you shared and how lucky you were to have someone so wonderful in you life. Kind Thoughts to you all xxx

  • Little Star,

    Dave will always be a part of your life and you will remember all the good times you had together, but you will never forget that dreadful moment when he died. I know because my wife died 25 years ago and yes it is easier, but I still miss her.

    Big hugs to you all.

    Colin xxx

  • Thank you so much Little Star for your kind words.

    I have been writing to him ever since he's gone as if I am talking to him. He was my life and soul and my life is falling apart...

    This is the first Christmas without him. The anticipation of 'how are we going through Christmas without him' was greater than the day itself. I am not going to lie, there were moments I wanted to cry out and break down in tears. Thinking that he should be here to share the happy moments. I managed to hold myself up, get through the day. Inside me the pain is eating me inside out. It wasn't too bad when there are people around. It is when I am on my own. It kills me to remember he is no longer here... 

    I understand what you mean by "the pain i feel is immense and it feels like my heart and soul has been ripped out of my body"... I feel it too. I could remember clearly his last night, his last breath... It is all so painful to remember and it feels as raw as if it was yesterday.

    The pain of losing someone so dearly is different from any other pain I had experienced.  It is not the same as the pain I felt when he upset me (the pain from the heart, like heart broken). The pain of losing him is coming from the core. Pain that suck me into a black hole in side me. Sometime the pain is so great that I need to take a deep breath to clear my head... I don't think anyone will understand apart from people who is in the same situation. And I wish there are less people having to face situation like we had to face, losing a partner.

    Yeh I am too thinking of starting a scrapbook. I am so scare I will forget the very short wonderful times we had together. Maybe I am just scare to move on. I know I will need to. I don't want to forget this wonderful kind hearted, and a very brave man that I am so fortune to know and spend part of life with. 

    I seen this little poem posted in one of the forum and would really like to share with you all... Reading this gave me a little strength to carry on... 

    Love and hugs for you all...  Bluestone xxx

    " You can shed tears that he is gone
    Or you can smile because he has lived

    You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back
    Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left

    Your heart can be empty because you can't see him
    Or you can be full of the love that you shared

    You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
    Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday

    You can remember him and only that he is gone
    Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on

    You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
    Or you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
     David Harkin (1959 -     ) "

  • Someone gave us that poem when we lost Mum 5 years ago and in the last 5 years we have passed it on to others who have lost loved ones. It is so so true!  We passed it on to the family of the lady who lived next door to my parents. She died a couple of weeks after mum and when we went to the funeral they read it out as part of the service.  You can imagine how hard that was....she even had the same first name as my mum! Tissues all round!!!!

    This was the first Christmas without my husband and he loved Christmas and all the fuss and festivities that went with it so it was hard to say the least to get through yesterday without him there. But somehow I did, just like I got through the funeral, exactly 8 months ago on Christmas day,  I thought about it at the time, about it being Christmas, because it was the 25th the day we said our final goodbye.

     

    The next step is to get through New Year's Eve.  My husband was a musician so spent many years entertaining people.  It's how we met.  I could quite easily do without it all and stay in but if I did that, everyone else would worry about me so it's easier all round if I just go along with it! 

    Only those of us who have lost a loved one can imagine what it is like at any time, never mind at this time of year.

    Let's hope the next year is better than the last! This time last year, we were counting the days to the end of the treatment, never imagining what was to come.

     

    x

  • Hello

    That poem is very special to me too, it was read out at my husbands funeral. Several times I have thought about it and smiled. It is just so true.

    This time last year, my husband only had 4 weeks to live as he died on January 25th. I think I used the hours to the best of my ability, I know I still remember some of those days and can smile. Although it was like living through a nightmare, forever hoping I would wake up soon and everything would be alright, we still managed to make some lovely memories.

    It has been a hard year in many ways, and I have learnt a lot about myself and others.

    But yesterday, Christmas Day that was something else.

     My first Christmas on my own. I actually enjoyed a very peaceful day! I was supposed to be going out, but my daughter was ill, and as I am full of cold, I stayed at home. I had a very selfish day, doing what I wanted, when I wanted, and relaxed, ate well and was at peace with myself.

     I wanted to spend time on my own this year anyway, to remember. My memories are not all sad ones, I have shed tears and I have smiled at my thoughts.I already feel a lot better for it.

    So for all who are treading the path I trod this time last year, yes, time does heal, life will never be the same again, but we learn to live our lives differently. I will never forget him, or stop loving him, but I have moved on just a little. I feel exactly like the poem, he isnt here, but he certainly isnt far away and I can think of him and smile.

    Much love to all

    Respect

    xxxx

     

     

  • Hello Bluestone

    Your grief is so very new 2 months is no time so let the tears come don't keep them in even if you are with friends and family, they should understand and hopefully comfort you. Just take little steps each day that's all you can do at the moment, its too early to be "moving on" that will come when you are ready it, may be 6 mths, 1 year, a lifetime, who knows but one thing for sure is you will never forget that wonderful kind hearted man how could you he is in a corner of your heart and will remain there always.

    You will have so many questions I know I still have, grief has many stages I think I am at the angry stage, but this is a journey we all have to take and yes we can get help and comfort from others but in time I hope we will get stronger, It is painful to think of our loved ones and the fact that they are no longer here is hard to bear but I feel my husbands presence at home where he loved to be it's not the same but think of all the love and happy times you shared and when your stronger start that scrap book, I pick my journal up when I am strong and keep adding to it, start when you first met and go on from there, all your happy holidays, funny little happenings, they will I hope be a comfort to us as time goes on and we will know how lucky we were to have such wonderful partners.

    Take care of yourself. Little Star x

     

  • hello! I am new to this, and in some ways I feel a fraud as it has been 9 months since my beautiful wife Pam died after a 3 year battle with cervical cancer. I have been in and out of hospital for surgery since and now as I recover my health, the true extent of my devastating loss hits me. Does it get easier? Not for me, not so far. I think of Pam from waking to going to sleep. I was blessed with a wonderfully happy 41 year marriage to my gorgeous girl. She died serenely at peace with her family around her in May 2012 in St Roccos Hospice in Warrington. I can't really say how I feel, but I wrote a poem for her on her birthday after she passed.

    What is an angel? Can anyone say?

    Are they only in prayer books, or are they with us today?

    Are they just plaster statues, on a heavenly list?

    Or remarkable people who live in our midst.

    I know angels live, ‘cause I wed one you see.

    An ordinary person, like you and like me.

    No remarkable features that you might discern

    Yet she loved those around her, and was loved in return.

    Pam never sought “thank you”, yet she gave all she had.

    Her smile freely given to all, good and bad

    She never held anger, resentment or hate

    Yet old age never knew her, it wasn’t her fate.

    Pam was taken so young, yet with so much to give,

    Even though there was no-one deserved more to live.

    An ordinary lady, yet a heavenly soul

    Her parting has left an unfillable hole

    Passed from amongst us, yet blameless in life;

    I was truly blessed to have her as my wife.

    Because of her caring, I am what I am,

    My wife and my lover, my friend, my Pam

    She’s gone, but she’s here, her unseen hand clasps mine;

    “Don’t worry about me”, she says “all is fine”

    Though death might divide us, we’re never apart;

    She lives on in the children, and deep in my heart.

  • Hi Ian,

    I have just read your poem and it is so touching it brought back my tears ,It is 17 months since my husband lost his battle with cancer but it still feels so raw.

    I do hope your own health is better as facing ill health without the support of your dear wife must in its own be hard.tTake care x

  • Hi Linda,

    Thank you for your kind response. I was told the pain of Pam's would become more bearable in a few weeks, but that has not been the case for me. I cannot complain though because I have a loving family around me who live nearby and call frequently. My grandkids adored their grandmother so we keep her memory alive together. My dear wife was reconciled to her passing and all her wishes were met. She feared 'lingering' as she called it, and her wish was granted. She passed quickly when her time came, with me and my daughter with her. She had no pain, and had amazingly allocated time during that day to say an individual goodbye to each of the grandchildren and spend time with the priest. I always knew my wife was remarkable - I just never knew how remarkable. She was devout, but I have never been very religious. I now hope she was right and one day we will meet again. That is what I cling to I guess

    I am sorry you are grieving so after 17 months, but it shows that your hubby was a bit special though doesn't it? I hope you get relief soon, although I know that you would not wish that to be at the expense of your husband's memory. Good luck and God bless. Ian

  • Hi Ian,

    I'm sorry to hear of your loss - it would seem like Pam and yourself were soul mates and I fully understand what you are feeling. What to say? - I'm at the beginning of this grieving stage - lost my 40 year old husband Neil to AML in Dec - we have a four year old son. It all seems so unfair. It all seems a little pointless at the moment but perhaps in the future we will look at the situation with a different perspective - I hope.  I was so sad when my granddad passed away to cancer but now I only look upon him with more happy memories. Let's just hope one day we can do this. Thinking of getting a boxer dog to relieve the hole in my life - do you have animals? Jayne x

  • Hi Jayne!

    Thanks for your kind note. No, I have no animals. I have been in and out of hospital over the last 8 months and been recovering in between, so I could not have cared for a pet.I think one might tie me down a bit, so i won't get one.

    I do help out on line at the moment for a children's charity I have supported for many years and will become more active for them as I recover more fully. I take joy in my 4 grandchildren (and my daughter). I know my wife loved them and was so proud of them, and her last wish to me was to look after them.

    I guess that your four year old will be the same for you. I guess he was your hubby's pride and joy and raising him for you will be a tribute to his dad. I imagine his dad looking on proudly as he starts the 'big' school, starts work, gets a girlfriend/wife etc. Your husband will be part of your son's life I am sure.

    I don't know why the good seem to be taken first, and if there is a reason, I have yet to find it. Having said that, i watched the strength and certainty my wife developed as she realised she was dying. She was never more at peace and relaxed in herself as in her last two or three days. That gives me comfort. Your son will give you (and his dad) those happy memories I am sure. keep your chin up, be proud and live life to the full for your husband.

    God bless,

    Ian

  • sorry to hear of your loss i know what you mean about  feeling that you dont want to go on and crying all the time  and saying your fine to others and when your alone  you break down  i lost my brother on the 16th of jan sudden just finished all his treatment and was well all way through  died of a blood clot  shocked was not the word but time does heal  our mum died 15 years ago and our dad 19 now  still think about them  and miss them  i  feel like i cant go on  but he was so brave and always said there are worse people out there than me   i wish i had gone with him  to still look out for him  , caring for someone and then not having to  anymore is a strange feeling to  stay strong  and live your life to the full that,s 1 thing i,ve learned  you  dont know  what life will throw at you  or how long  were here sending big hug,s to you x