Bereaved spouses and partners

For widows, widowers and anyone who has lost a husband, wife, partner or civil partner to cancer.

I should have known better

No. of entries: 20 | Posted on 25 Aug 2013 6:00 PM

I should have known better

  • Its mine and Keiths 9th wedding anniversary today or it would have been if he hadnt been taken away from me  73 days ago with this awful disease. So what have i done today knowing i was always going to be feeling low from the minute i opened my eyes this morning.....absolutely nothing ! I haven't seen anyone and I havent spoken to anyone on the phone either., ...I have drunk endless cups of tea ( good job I am teetotal ) and have been looking through our wedding  and honeymoon photos. And tears, they have fell by the bucket load. I think tonight i will have an early night with Keiths kindle,I did pack it away but decided that I could charge it up and use it,albeit at the moment it is a choice of Andy Macnab or John Grisham,(I dont want any soppy love stories,)so looks like i will have to look for a website on downloading something more suitable and hope that tomorrow will be better ?different ?.  In September its his birthday and mine in October and then Christmas, and I know i wont start any of these days like i have done I said I should have known better.  What I'd do now for some kisses (me kissing his photo isnt quite the same ) and big cuddles from him.  Alison xx

  • I do know how you feel, I lost David to cancer in December. My birthday was two weeks ago and it was so hard. Our anniversary is in September, and  I'm dreading  Christmas. I bought a puppy and she does help fill the void, but could never replace David. I chose on my birthday to disappear for the day, and did not want to celebrate.  I have decided at Christmas I will try and do something completely different, rent a cottage somewhere. Tomorrow will be better, and you have nearly survived today!!! People say times a healer, but at the moment it feels worse, David was a prankster, and I keep thinking, " Right time you came home now". If anyone else says " Be strong" Im sure I will scream ha ha. Recently I have found the radio comforting, more than the TV and cannot concentrate for reading at present. Only suggestions, which I hope help. Thinking of you Eileenxx




  • Hi Eileen Another new name on here welcome to somewhere no one wants to be. " Be strong" makes me sick as does" times a great healer". I lost my husband in January this year it will be 7 months on the 28th where has all that time gone. One minute it seems like yesterday then like a lifetime away. Here's to a better day than the one just gone. Mac hug Sally x
  • Yes Alison I think we all miss our loved ones kisses and hugs and hearing "Good morning" and " Good night". Strength for tomorrow to you, Sally x
  • Hello Alison. I feel for you I really do, it would have been our 37th wedding anniversary on 31st July. I decided to work from about 11 am and we got married at 11. I got through by looking at the clock and remembering what we were doing at that time on the day, it was such a happy day and very informal, a big party for our friends....that helped me through.  It's a bit late for you to do this now but it's so lovely to have those happy memories to cherish isn't it.......even though they can never make up for the loss and sometimes make it worse because there is so much to miss.

    Christmas I am dreading, friends have invited me to stay with them but how can I watch them open presents on Christmas morning? I am going to suggest I go for New Year instead and take myself off with the dogs on the day....maybe a trip to the seaside and a walk on the beach if the weather isn't too to be something different I think and not associated with Christmas, I have already decided to tell friends not to expect cards etc and will make a donation to cancer research for Mark instead. Mark's birthday was 30th December so yet another hurdle to cross there.

    Sending you love & a big hug.

    Shirley xx

  • Hi Alison, sorry you have had a tough day. I hope you managed to look at the photos of your wedding and honeymoon and remember what a happy time that was, alongside what you are feeling about losing Keith. Birthdays and anniversaries are hard but I guess they are only there because of the person we love. Then the post turned to Christmas, dreading it - not because of what it will be like, I would rather spend it on my own with the dogs, but can foresee a big battle persuading my family that is what I want. Going to ignore it tillNovember at the earliest! Hope you find something good for your Kindle. Clare xx
  • Yes Shirley he thought of Christmas feels me with dread as that time last year Mime was here with us. He even carved the turkey although not eating anything himself. I find the whole idea of writing cards makes me feel physically sick and like you will probable not write cards as how do,I just put my name alone there. Im glad that you were able to make your 37th wedding anniversary a day of memories. We also would,have celebrated ours on July 21st, I spent the day alone just as I wanted to as without Mike I just wanted to think, although we are all bereaved we all cope with things in different ways. No right and no wrong. A Big Mac hug. Ive come to bed as I can't face sitting downstairs on my own although last night was better but tonight Ive had my "Wobbles" agin. Sally x
  • Clare can't we just cancel Christmas this year and all send the money we would have spend to cancer research). A Big Mac hug Sallyx
  • Hi. It is so hard isn't it? George died on the 31st of July,then it would have been is 58th birthday on the 15 August the day after his funeral, that was so hard. And I'm absolutely dreading Christmas, George used to love it so much, and made if so special, I think I will let it just come a d go this year I can't face it. My work colleagues had a collection for me, and I got some lovely photo frames, to put George's pictures in all over the house, he had such a lovely face, just want to hold him, the thought of this life without him, feels unbearable. Big hugs to you all going through this nightmare x
  • Hi Sally, yes I decree Christmas is cancelled and all money to go to Cancer Research/McMillan/hospices. I have already decided I won't be sending cards - if I was the list would be very short because I have far fewer "friends" than I thought, and I know that are true friends will understand. Big Mac hug back xx
  • Here's to no cards this Christmas. Big Mac hug Sally x
  • Yes big hugs through this nightmare. How lovely of your colleges to get the frames they must bring a smile to your face when you look at them. Big hugs Sally x
  • Hi, all,

    I lost my husband seven years go and reading your posts brings back so many memories for me. Just because so much time has passed does not mean that I have forgotten him or that I don't recognise everything you are all saying - I want to send you all a big hug and as much encouragement as I can.

    May I share a few thoughts with you, please? Feel free to let me know if I'm not helpful, and I'll get out of your way, I promise! 

    Christmas...the thought of the first one without him was unbearable, but it occurred to me that it was a family occasion, and that all of us would be missing him too.  I wanted my grandson to have a specially wonderful time.  Everyone came to me and, amazingly, apart from a few quiet tears first thing in the morning, we had a great day filled with love and laughter and wonderful memories.  It was so much better than I could have imagined, and just what he would have wanted.  There is a while to go before anyone has to be planning Christmas - I hope so much that you will be able to find some peace and enjoyment.

    After my husband died I had so many bad days.  I felt that I wasn't coping well, whatever 'well' means.  People, well-meaning, ask if you are 'getting back to normal' - what normal? There isn't one.  However, I found that, eventually, there seemed to be some blue sky breaking through into the grey-cloud days. It was gradual - I'd go for quite a while feeling ok-ish, or even good, but then the grey would break through again for no apparent reason - and it still does sometimes, although more rarely now.  I have decided that a grey cloud day is just a day.  I don't struggle against it, I just remind myself that the sun will come out tomorrow, and it does. We all have a bad day sometimes, no matter how long or short a time it has been.  It doesn't mean we are regressing or not coping well (hate that phrase, always sounds so judgemental).  It is just a bad day.

    I think perhaps I should shut up now.  Sending positive thoughts and good wishes to you all for  good night's sleep.

  • Sandy, that does help though I reacted to Christmas differently..... I made it clear I did not want to receive cards ( happy?, Merry?), and I sent none. Those I received , I either binned, or read then binned. I did not decorate. BUT I went with my daughter to my nieces home and had a surprisingly calm Christmas .... different place, they were wonderful..... and this year I will do the same. Still not ready to decorate or to say those words Happy but...... maybe next year.... .. Penelope
  • Penelope, we all have to do things in the timescale which is right for us - and only we know.

    My very best wishes to you.