Bereaved spouses and partners

For widows, widowers and anyone who has lost a husband, wife, partner or civil partner to cancer.

Not receiving messages and cannot send private messages

No. of entries: 26 | Posted on 22 Aug 2013 11:26 PM

Not receiving messages and cannot send private messages

  • Hi all, long time no type:-) Sally thank you for your concern that I have't been on here recently, I have been busy helping my son and daughter in law plan for there big day next Wednesday. I say daughter in law as their actual planned wedding was for 28/8/13 however as We knew that Julie wouldn't be around for this they got married in May at a registry office and Julie was Able to see them get married, and she read a poem to them called Your Parents Prayer. One of Julie's last wishes was that I would read this same poem at the wedding celebration which is the full works by the way next Wednesday when all of my daughter in laws relatives and friends will be over here from America, Canada and Germany which I promised Julie I would do. It's not going to be easy but I will do it. My daughter has had me practicing it over and over again so that I won't choke on the day. I know I will get emotional though. So that's kept me occupied over the last month. I've also had a memorial bench made and placed at the cemetery for me to sit and have a drink with Julie. Anyway that's enough of me gabbling on. A big hug to all on in this place where nobody wants to be. Oh and not forgetting a big man hug for Alan and a punch on the shoulder:-) P.S. my daughter and I have decided not to celebrate Christmas this year and have booked ourselves to go to Thailand instead. Xxxxx Paul............Phew
  • Hi Paul, glad to see you are posting again. I dont post lots but I do read everyone elses and had noticed you weren't "around". Hope all goes well for the wedding, im sure it will be very tough but you will do it for Julie and your family. I love the idea of the memorial bench in the cemetery. My mum found a big chunk of tree trunk and had it cut and varnished with a little plaque with my hubby's name and date of birth and death on it. I use it in the cemetery as a wee seat as I like to sit and chat to him and play his favourite playlists on my phone for him - probably sounds mad but it makes me happy. That is a lovely idea for you and your daughter to get away for Christmas, its such a tough time and especially as it will be your first without your beautiful wife and mother.


  • Hi Paul

    Nice to see you posting again. We are facing Fathers Day in  Australia on 1st Sept, I was talking to my daughter, she said we should have a big family dinner, sounds nice. Also thinking about Xmas. Last Xmas my sister and bro-in-law came out. I remember clear as day saying to her, I wonder if this might be Kim's last Xmas. He looked quite fit and healthy, except quite skinny. Never in a million years thought he would die so soon, Bloody hell, Life is so unfair. I have no idea what we will do for Xmas but it might be nice to do what we did last xmas. Instead of the traditional English lunch we did and Aussie lunch, Fresh fish on the bbq, prawns, lobster - really nice and not as heavy as what we normally do. Question is, who is going to cook it now that our chef has gone?

  • Really good to see that you're back on here again Paul . How lovely that Julie was able to be there for the wedding although a very emotional day I' m sure. I wish you strength next Wednesday to read the poem and am sure that Julie will be there in your heart and your head as you read. Don't be afraid to have tears even men can show their emotions. We find strength from somewhere, goodness knows where but we do. The bench sounds a lovely idea, when I go and visit Mike I often sit on the ground next to him. The other Sunday I took the newspaper and read it to him back to front, the way he always did. Sports pages first. There is a bench already there so I borrow someone else's to sit on when the ground is wet. Strength for today and tomorrow Paul. What a good idea for Christmas something really different and a lovely place to go. Not that Ive been but my youngest has. I've booked to go out to the US for Christmas this year where two of our children now live and a new baby due just after. It was something we both said we would do but never managed it There's always something to remind us A Big Mac hug Sally x
  • Yes Christine There's always something coming up which can make you " wobble" like Fathers Day and Christmas, I too have lost my chef and remember getting Mike to carve the turkey for me last year a month before he died, I think he did it for me as he hardly had a mouth full but I do remember he did enjoy a glass of champagne. Maybe that was for me as well, I'll never know. Why oh why is there slaw us something else. Need to get moving and push these thoughts away. Strength to you. Sally x
  • Hi Sally.  :Emergency Wobble-Prevention Hugs:

    Don't allow it to be a negative that things keep occurring to you that make you recall your lost love - those recollections that make you weep and feel hollow now are, I think, the ones that we will later hold onto as treasured, if saddening, memories.

    For myself, I often find that the time of night, other than going to bed, when I am most likely to shed a few tears is when I am preparing dinner. 

    I had to relearn how to cook whilst Michelle was ill, having been happily banished from the kitchen for a decade (other than when called in to handle 'manly' duties such as carving or handling hot and heavy cast iron cooking vessels :D).  But I still feel like a trespasser in the kitchen ... I should only be there to do the washing up or empty the bins ... and there is so much that I do not know about cooking. 

    I frequently want to ask her "How do I do xyz?" or " Do we have any of abc in the larder?" and of course there is no one to ask and the helplessness and the longing crash in on me for a little time.

    In time I think that those 'trigger' moments will be reformed into warm, faintly self mocking, memories (at my culinary ineptitude) and I will recall her busy in her kitchen trying to cook whilst I, helpfully of course {:)}, held her in my arms and kissed the back of her neck.

    In the end I am starting to feel that it is in such positive action that our own emotional survival lies; turning memories that give us pain into snapshots of our love that we will not want to lose.

    More Comforting Hugs


  • Hi Mark Before I say anything else are you getting notifications of emails because I'm not? I have reported it to the community team but expect they've gone home to their partners for the long weekend. Sorry "wobble" time. Still ask Michelle when you're in the kitchen you may well be surprised what you hear. Someone whispering in your head. Mike was a chef and I a cook so we shared the cooking me doing the day to day meals and him when we had friends for meals. He always sharpened the knives with a steel and no matter how many times I try and do it exactly the way he did the silly knives stay blunt... Yes we need to be positive to survive and yes I am more positive on the whole. We need to survive for our lost loved ones to do what they would want us to. Big MacWarrior hug to us all. Sally x
  • Hi Sally

    I don't run with the E-Mail Notifications on, my friend, so I don't know if they are working or not.  I just log in at regular intervals and look at the Recent Activity tab.


  • Thank you both Sally and Christine, tomorrow's the day , bring it on I WILL read that prayer as Julie asked me to do if its the last thing I do, I've got plenty of support if I wobble as I know I will , however I'm determined to do it for Julie on her behalf as it would have been her doing the reading if she were here. I WILL do her proud and yes Sally I 'm not afraid to show my emotions and shed some tears as I know I will. Big group Macwarrior hug to all. Xxxxxxx Paul
  • Hope it all goes well tomorrow Paul, and you get to enjoy the day, it wont be as you hoped it would be, but you will do Julie proud, of that I'm sure. Best. Wishes, Lorna
  • Thank you Lorna, it will be difficult but I know she will be there with us in our hearts. XxxxPaul
  • All the best for tomorrow (oh today) Paul. I am sure you will read with style and of course, with much love. I hope all goes well for your daughter and for you. You will do it, of course you will. 

    My daughter is getting married in 10 days and i am to walk her down the aisle and make a speech. So today, I had a meltdown day. Went to D's grave, where I sat in the sunshine for nearly an hour, then felt better. We rise to the challenges, dont we.......?

    All the best,

    Jen X

  • She will of course Paul be with you every step of the way. Jen, it seems ages ago when you talked about your daughter's wedding, and here it is only 10 days away. Gosh! Dd you get your shoes to go with your great big hat?!! Lorna xx
  • Shoes, bag, the lot, Lorna! So why am I not excited? Confess to being absolutely  scared witless about the whole thing..... But, as I said, we rise to the occasion. (Doesn't it take a lot to do that, though. I must be worth about 10 Oscars by now.)

    Jen X

  • Big hugs to you all and of course you will do it Jen good luck. I better get some beauty sleep now I need loads of that :-) see you all soon.xxxxxxxxx Paul