We are Macmillan. Cancer Support
I am fairly new to this forum. I lost my beloved boyfriend of 9 years 2 months ago after a 7 months battle with Lymphoma. It was a very difficult and traumatic time for both of us and the family. Everything happened so quickly and so suddenly. I find it getting harder everyday. A lot of people say to me time will make it easy but it doesn't feel like it. It feel impossible. Sometime I feel I am living for the sake of living. I lost my soul mate and I miss every single simple thing that I used to take for granted. I hate all happy celebrations, birthday, Christmas, New Year.... They are the hardest. I feel especially upset during happy times, thinking he should be here and knowing he will never ever be able to share all these moments with me again is heart breaking for me.
I am so scare that I am on the road of losing hope. I can't seem to able to convince myself life is worth living for. I get up everyday to work and put a brave face on to face the rest of the world. Deep down in me my pain is so great that I don't really know how long I could do this. I promise myself when he passed away that I would try my best to live a full life as he die so young and so suddenly. He had so much dreams that he will never ever able to achieve. Places he likes to go and will never able to go. I promise I will do it for him. I want him not to worry about me as I am the only worry he had before he die. It upset me just thinking about he was worried about me before he passed away. This is so hard. I am struggling to find the strength. I don't know how to live a happy life without him. I am exhausted crying myself to sleep every night and try to put a "I am ok" face on (so people are not too worry about me). Will time really make it easy???
Hi Bluestone, I wish I knew the answer to that. I lost my partner of 20 years to Non Small Cell Lung Cancer on 19/11/2012 but it seems like forever since I've seen him. Like yourself I miss him so much that it is like a physical pain that won't go away. Everyone keeps telling me it gets easier but right now it seems worse than ever. I I know Christmas etc doesn't help but I don't feel that I have a reason to keep going on except for doing it because that is what he would want. He had been ill since June 2009 but things became very traumatic in August this year, he spent time in a hospice for pain management & then a palliative care unit for 10 days, but he wanted to be at home. I managed to get him home for 10 days but the last 3 days were the worst in my life & I can't seem to erase that memory. I know telling you all this doesn't help you but just wanted to let you know that I know what you are going through & that you are not alone. I hope we find our way through this difficult time. Take care VeeJayBee xx
I know exactly how you feel, I've been feeling pretty much the same for the last six months but I get up each day, take a deep breath and deal with whatever comes my way. It will never be easy but I am finding it a little easier to get through each day. I try to keep myself busy and I give myself space and time. If there was a magic wand I could wave to make it easier then I'd be waving it frantically. As each anniversary comes up I try to go somewhere that we spent time together, maybe the beach (yes even if it's raining), or for a walk in the fields or even a meal out with friends. Each day, week or month that goes by I still miss him and I know I always will, I just hope the pain lessens with time for us all.
Sending big hugs your way
Hi TinaT66, Hi VeeJayBee,
Thank you so much for all your kind words. It bought tears to my eyes. I especially like the idea of the magic wand TinaT66. I wish we all have one which we could wave to bring them back and take our misery away. How good would it be...
I know what you mean about can't seem to erase the traumatic memory, VeeJayBee. I keep having flashback of the last few days of his life. I just want to remember the happy memory of him. I have a good cry whenever these horrible memory comes and I will cheer myself up by looking at picture of him making silly face. That normally put a smile on my face knowing he was happy before. He had enjoyed his life even thought it was a short one.
Like you TinaT66, I wish too the pain will lessens with time for us all. I don't think the pain will ever go away but just hope we will learn to live with it and take everyday as it comes. Just can't believe there are so many people out there who have lost their partner to cancer. I just hope there will be less people/family going through what we went through. It is the worst thing anyone have to go through.
(Deep breath... - tip I learn from Tina :-) ) Be strong my dear friends, I am holding on the good memories I had with him and I know he will want me to have a happy life. or try to live a happy life. Thank you so much for listening and sharing tips with me.
Thinking of you both during this festive season. Hugs to you both. xxx
I am new to this forum and it's taken me a year to come this far.
I lost my dear husband on the 2nd Dec 2011 and I just can't believe I have survived a year without him. He was only 58 and was first diagnosed in 2006 with a rare cancer Nuroendocrine Tumours (NETS) it was unoperable and untreatable only his symptons could be controlled with a monthly injection. We were stunned to say the least but David was so brave, the only bonus was this was a slow growing cancer and when I look back yes we had three good years (2006-2009) I gave up my job to be with Dave and we lived as well as we colud and holidayed to our favourite destination Italy each year but by 2010 things started to change and David suffered more and more.
To watch him suffer was very painful and I felt helpless at times, everything happened to quickly towards the end but I kept my promise and David passed away peacefully at home, but that night I will never forget and at times the pain i feel is imense and it feels like my heart and soul has been ripped out of my body. I don't think it gets easier I just think you learn to live with the pain and yes I am sure there will be happy times ahead for us all but sadness is just behind a cupboard door.This Xmas has been the worse as last Xmas I was still in shock, but I am through it with the help of family and friends, but its the thought of starting another New Year without David it feels as if I am moving further away from him.
I have put together a photo album of just the two of us from the time we met and it is something I can pick up when I want to smile and yes there are tears to. Also I am writing a journal of our 27yrs together, do it if you can because it will be something to look at in the future, don't forget those wonderful times you shared and how lucky you were to have someone so wonderful in you life. Kind Thoughts to you all xxx
Dave will always be a part of your life and you will remember all the good times you had together, but you will never forget that dreadful moment when he died. I know because my wife died 25 years ago and yes it is easier, but I still miss her.
Big hugs to you all.
Click here to find out more
Thank you so much Little Star for your kind words.
I have been writing to him ever since he's gone as if I am talking to him. He was my life and soul and my life is falling apart...
This is the first Christmas without him. The anticipation of 'how are we going through Christmas without him' was greater than the day itself. I am not going to lie, there were moments I wanted to cry out and break down in tears. Thinking that he should be here to share the happy moments. I managed to hold myself up, get through the day. Inside me the pain is eating me inside out. It wasn't too bad when there are people around. It is when I am on my own. It kills me to remember he is no longer here...
I understand what you mean by "the pain i feel is immense and it feels like my heart and soul has been ripped out of my body"... I feel it too. I could remember clearly his last night, his last breath... It is all so painful to remember and it feels as raw as if it was yesterday.
The pain of losing someone so dearly is different from any other pain I had experienced. It is not the same as the pain I felt when he upset me (the pain from the heart, like heart broken). The pain of losing him is coming from the core. Pain that suck me into a black hole in side me. Sometime the pain is so great that I need to take a deep breath to clear my head... I don't think anyone will understand apart from people who is in the same situation. And I wish there are less people having to face situation like we had to face, losing a partner.
Yeh I am too thinking of starting a scrapbook. I am so scare I will forget the very short wonderful times we had together. Maybe I am just scare to move on. I know I will need to. I don't want to forget this wonderful kind hearted, and a very brave man that I am so fortune to know and spend part of life with.
I seen this little poem posted in one of the forum and would really like to share with you all... Reading this gave me a little strength to carry on...
Love and hugs for you all... Bluestone xxx
" You can shed tears that he is goneOr you can smile because he has lived
You can close your eyes and pray that he will come backOr you can open your eyes and see all that he has left
Your heart can be empty because you can't see himOr you can be full of the love that you shared
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterdayOr you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday
You can remember him and only that he is goneOr you can cherish his memory and let it live on
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your backOr you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on. David Harkin (1959 - ) "
Someone gave us that poem when we lost Mum 5 years ago and in the last 5 years we have passed it on to others who have lost loved ones. It is so so true! We passed it on to the family of the lady who lived next door to my parents. She died a couple of weeks after mum and when we went to the funeral they read it out as part of the service. You can imagine how hard that was....she even had the same first name as my mum! Tissues all round!!!!
This was the first Christmas without my husband and he loved Christmas and all the fuss and festivities that went with it so it was hard to say the least to get through yesterday without him there. But somehow I did, just like I got through the funeral, exactly 8 months ago on Christmas day, I thought about it at the time, about it being Christmas, because it was the 25th the day we said our final goodbye.
The next step is to get through New Year's Eve. My husband was a musician so spent many years entertaining people. It's how we met. I could quite easily do without it all and stay in but if I did that, everyone else would worry about me so it's easier all round if I just go along with it!
Only those of us who have lost a loved one can imagine what it is like at any time, never mind at this time of year.
Let's hope the next year is better than the last! This time last year, we were counting the days to the end of the treatment, never imagining what was to come.
If you have any questions about our organisation our Macmillan team would love to hear from you
You can also follow us on Facebook, Twitter, Flickr or YouTube.
© Macmillan Cancer Support 2010
what are these?