Denial is understandable, but it hurts to the point its almost selfish.

Family and friends

If a member of your family or a friend, or someone else you know is living with cancer, this group is the place to share your feelings and get support.

Denial is understandable, but it hurts to the point its almost selfish.

No. of entries: 5 | Posted on 16 Jan 2013 10:27
  • Hello Everyone, I hope my comment does not cause any offence as it was certainly not my intention! When someone gets diagnosed with that C word the word no one wants to say everyone is scared to say it so say it with me loud and proud CANCER CANCER BLOODY CANCER.... well done! I have noticed that everyone suddenly begins to walk on egg shells with words to avoid , people wanting to ask questions about hospital appointments etc but noone wants to break that silence in case they upset or offend the patient, My mum is a 59yrold stubborn royal pain in the ass, independant and very proud and to admit she has cancer is almost a sign of defeat to her, she refuses to ask any questions because she sees it as a sign of weakness , it brings her away from the denial bubble she lives in. Yes she is frightened more than ever before , fear of the unknown and fear of judgement and pity, U all know that pity look ... the one u get from friends when they hear the news , they dont wait to hear of good news or stories of amazing people to have taken the battle and wins , no they just think of hair loss fear and of course death.

    Im the eldest of 4 sisters and we all stand strong and united with our mum to show her the support she has on this battle field to show people we still laugh and make jokes , swear , slag of ex boyfriends and show despite our problems we stand strong together side by side.

    I have been privilidged to some information that I have been sworn to secertcy about and my mum and sisters have no idea of the gravity of the situtaion but the gp has told me to stay quiet with it as it would cause them more harm than good, however to me it isolates me in my own personal hell, unable to tell them in fear of how they would talk it and my mum would let go of any fight she has inside her or keep quiet as it festers inside me prickling my eyes and heart like stingers nettles and pray they never found out I knew because not only would I loose my Mum but my sisters also.....

    The hard thing is dealing with unanswered questions we each have them about all sorts of issues, I stood in a room with them all and watched them crumble in front of my very eyes, knowing this time i cant make it better and I would in a heart beat infact i would give her my heat beat if i thought it would help. The problem lies deeper, mum is in total denial she will not tolerate it being spoken about she wont accept family asking questions when meeting the consultant in fact gets angry and leaves, at this point the consultant wont discuss her while she is not there and still the questions remain unanswered.causing pain and tears in my sisters and I for fear of the unknown and when its unknown u look for answeres where u can find them ........ However the intrenet can provide more fears than answers .

    When Mum begins to slip from us we have vowed to care for her as she did for us to give her peace of mind dignitiy and respect and not one of us doubts our duties there But I for one doubt is it selfish of her to keep us in the dark now?

    Am I wrong to chase answers ?

  • hi angelminx, CANCER,CANCER, I HATE BLOODY CANCER, hows that!

    Oh dear what a dilema for you, could you first talk to the gp who gave you the information and explain the difficult situation he has unwittingly put you in?

    Secondly, could you talk very pleadingly to your mum, pretend you are small again and want something, sure you can recall,

    Tell mum you understand her not wanting to be discussed in front of her, but because there is so much in way of help. food supplements, treatments etc etc, you know best what she is likely to believe, she is obviously, and rightly so, VERY frightened, guess you and i would be.

    hold her hand and explain how much shes loved and you all want to get the best for her, that if she will just give her permission for the consulta\nt to talk to you on your own, or all four of you, could it work, do you think? cos with her permission. you can get all the facts.

    her own gp will have all the facts, as you have realised, and tis only fair that he talks to all of your sisters with you there! if the previous ploy fails!!

    im sure your sisters will be strong whilst needed to be as you to will be, but well may crumble later on, thats when you can support each other.

    Hopefully you will get some more advice from here, but hope the above might be useful.

    good luck, take care love kaitie xx

    klw

  • cANCER;CANCER; I HATE BLOODY CANCER!!!!!! I agree this is a difficult situaion for you. does your family know you have talked to the GP? My husband also didn't ask about prognosis, or any other questions about his condition but didn't stop me from asking - but it did stop me because i felt that i was forcing it into the open when he wsn't ready. i too have thought he's in denial but now i think he's still in shock at the enormity of what this means for him, for us, for our children. he seems to take the view - i have to have the treatment it/s the only option i have = so let's get on with that and take each day as it comes without thinking too hard into the future because that's too hard to contemplate at the moment, i've come to accept that if that's how he's happiest then maybe that's all we can do right now and we won't have those painful  - reality check conversations until the y're on a nearer horizon. perhaps this is actually your mum's coping mechanism right now and not denial, she'll square up to those conversations when she feels ready too , perhaps  if your sister s' start to ask you can direct them back to your GP to hear the situaion form them rather than you , 

    Izzyus

  • Hello,

    Thanku for your kind words, I have been surpised by the level of support on this website. When u see other peoples battles and triumphs and inner most thoughts it kinda makes lost for words for a while and thats almost impossible for me!

    you poor ur thoughts and cries out on a screen and when u read it back when ur finished it almost doesnt look like u, do u feel the same?

    As for my mum, well not even sure I know where to start. When the conversation starts to lean towards hospitals and how she feels its gets nipped in the bud. She lives each day as it comes and for a while she is content with that however she has serious bouts of despressive thoughts that take her so deep its very hard to pull her out, she refuses to seek advice on how the thoughts can be helped and she just tries to ride the storm. Then her thoughts wander to things she misses , She is lonely and desperatly seeks romance even if it for a little while to show her that she is still beatuiful and loveable she aches to feel love and passion for her and not for pity. I would grant her a wish of romance if i could to make her smile from the corners of her lips to the wrinkles in her blue eyes.

    Mum and I have quite time and every now and then she opens and something will creep out , I think deep down she knows she is terminal but doesnt know how long and doesnt want to know how long so we make small targets and go from there , Music at the funral has caused a few laughs so far we have ,,,,,nellie the elephant,,, toy dolls my wife is a phsyco... somewhere over the rainbow , thank u for the days by kirsty macall so that shows the level of fun we have had..... have threatened to her ashes moulded and turned in to diamonds,

    I know the information that i have been given is my quest to guard her from to pave the path before she walks that way and make it as smooth as i can , My sisters will eventually disown me for keeping them in the dark but by telling them now would only cause huge family friction and solve nothing so for now I will keep it inside of me and try to test the water every now and then but im pretty certain it will b a secret to the grave

    Thanku again for ur kind words please keep in touch xx

  • Hello

    thank you for ur kind words and very wise advice I must add,

    My sister know I talk to the GP but does not know the contants of the visit, the gp has said he doesnt want them knowing whet he has said because it has made situations worse and breaks people spirits and the give up fighting so sadly it remains my own personal hell.

    i have worried that may b we r trying to force an issue to soon and we should let it be but the questions all seem so valid,, he said pallitive care but how long do we have? why did it not show on the first biopsy when he said he didnt as low as he wanted however the tumour location in top upper lobe on right lung 7-8cm in size how did they miss it?> She has a scan next week and its a big one , when we find out if the tumour has started growing again if it does the treatment stops.... I work in emergenacy services and I know words, looks and scans and know things before they get said its so cruel.

    talk again soon i hope xx

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