My father has had liver cancer for the past 12 months. He has been doing very well until the last 2 weeks where he has got very thin and started struggling with the ascites and has rapidly deteriorated. The changes have been quite drastic. After coming back from the US (work) and watching my father soldier on I told him that it could not continue and took him to hospital. 4 days later he has undergone an ascetic drain where they removed 6 litres. He is more comfortable and the jaundice has not really set in but he is thinning to the point where he really does not have much left. . It is incredibly sad watching him wither away but I am staying strong and helping my family work things out. I am due to take my wife and young son on holiday tomorrow. My father is begging me to go but the problem I have is I cannot. My wife understands. I don't want to upset our 7 year old but I really want to be with my father. His voice is getting quieter and I can see that he is in more pain due to the aggressiveness of the disease. The specialist has not told me how long he has. Another doctor told me to keep things as normal as possible and to go away so my father has something to fight for instead of us staying and him thinking that we are waiting for him to pass. It sounds so selfish. Split loyalties guilt and pain. This story sounds so trivial after reading so many touching and harrowing stories on here. Am I looking for advice? Absolution? I have no idea. I want to make my father happy but I also want to be with him. He was so sad when I told him that I was staying that he was very close to tears and would not talk. I want to make everyone happy but I have no idea what to do. Fortunately he is still lucid, but he does not sleep at night which makes him incredibly tired in the day. I only hope that the drain gives him the comfort he needs. I understand that these are the end stages and one questions how long but I am lost.

Oh gosh this is a tough one all I can say is you will only ever have this moment once,- holidays can come and go. You will live with buckets of regret if your Dad lets go when you ve gone and there is all the expense of getting back etc 

 If it was me I wuld tell your Dad you havehad  a great chunk of luck and have managed to change the holiday to later in the year and you just want to be with him to get over this hump and as soon as he feels stronger you will have the promised holiday. Your 7 year old whilst disappointed will have hundreds more holidays or could your wife take him/her away for a smaller one closer to home just a thought. To be honest 7 year olds are as happy in England as abroad as long as they have attention and some new environments to explore

I truely wish you well and hope you make the decision that is right for you God bless x

Good Morning MatS

Firstly I would like to say how incredibly proud your Dad will be to have such a fine young man for a son, to be so caring and empathic to understand the pull from your own family and the sadness your Dad feels. I doubt that anyone can really give you the definitive answer you seek. I have seen the same look in my ex husbands eyes when something crops up with our daughters and son, when he really wants them to continue to get on with their lives as if he / this awful desease hasnt the power to stop our ordinary what we took for normal life to go on. Only you can make the decision at the end of the day, but if youre wife understands this might be a time for you and your dad to have some quality time together, and your own son will have lots of holidays in the future with his dad. You could put it to your Dad that it is your decision to have a bit of time with him rather than you trying to "fit" around everyone else, that this is the ideal time while youre here from USA, and that it could be a bit of a male bonding time???? Whatever your decision and depending on where the holiday is you could of course return if needs be. I did this in June from Lanzarote in just seven hours, after D took a bad turn.

Whatever your decision I'm sending a virtual hug, and prayers for you your family and your brave dad

Edie

x

My heart goes out to you, you indeed have an impossible situation. It is difficult for anyone to advise you because we don't have the full details of your circumstances.

As for the holiday, if you don't go you may lose the cost, because no one has told you how long your Dad has to live. You can talk to someone on the macmillan helpline about this position 0808 808 00 00.

Carers are are a very unselfish lot and often sacrifice more than they should because someone "needs" them.

Holidays may seem trivial, but they are essential for recharging your batteries; I am sure that whilst away you will ring to speak to your dad every day, and just think of the pleasure it will give him in his final days to hear how his grandson is enjoying that holiday. If the worst happens then you can arrange to return early which should be covered by insurance.

Speak to Macmillan and that may make your choices clearer.

Good luck with whatever you decide and I'm sure that it will be the right choice for you.

Colin

Firstly can i say my heart goes out to you and your family!!!!

My uncle(more of a dad to me) was diagnosed with bowel cancer and secondary liver cancer 2 years ago.Operation on bowel and chemo on liver over the years seemed to be keeping cancer in check! 8 weeks ago after having a scan he was told the chemo was no longer working and was advised to stop treatment.After the shock macmillan nurses were put in place and district nurses if he needed them.Initially he seemed ok but this last three weeks he has become swollen and pain is harder to control.On wednesday he was taken into hospice as he was a little confused.I have been there each day and they are confident that they will get on top of symptoms and they will send him home.I have been on holiday this week and have tried to fit in days out with my son,who is 8,visiting the hospice at the end of the day.its not been ideal and i would like to say its made me feel better but really i feel stretched to my limits!!!!What gets me the most is not knowing how long this will go on and not knowing if every day to day decision we make, is it the right one!!!!!! i am due back to work on sunday and know he will be constantly on my mind.Whatever decision you make your dad will understand!!!Although i cant help i know but reading your post i can totally appreciate how u are feeling....... My uncle has always been there for me and i love him so much i just want to do my best for him..........

love to u and your family,

jo 

Please let me take the opportunity to thank you all for your kind and thoughtful responses.  I discussed things with my insurance company and they have declined me with a pre-existing medical condition.  No matter I think I have managed to perform a minor miracle  in persuading my wife to take our son away and continue as normal.  Yes it wont be the same without me but I really want what is best for them and it will do them the world of good to get away and have a much needed break.

The responses here helped me see the situation a little more clearly.  I am sure it will make my father a little happier in the knowledge that he doesnt need to feel like he is disrupting things.

Unfortunately today I have heard that my fathers potassium levels have increased so they are treating him for that.  I am going to see him again shortly and give him the usual shot of encouragement and probably the odd bad joke thrown in.

As for me.  Well who knows?  I will continue to help my father and family with the fight.  If we have positive news and he can come home I may even be able to spend some quality time or even travel to join my wife and son.  No regrets, I feel comfortable with my decision and I take strength in the fact that I can help my family work through this.  My wife and son will give me all the support I need when the time comes.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart..