In denial?

1 minute read time.

What do you do when a lung cancer patient says he can't understand why his breathing is worse, and why he keeps losing weight, even though he's eating quite well? He knows that there is no more treatment that can be given, but I'm not convinced that he has grasped the fact that his life is limited because the cancer hasn't been cured. He was told that his last Xray was one of the clearest he'd had, and he has interpreted that to mean that the cancer was gone. Sadly that wasn't the case. He's having disturbed nights due to his poor breathing, and when he walks a few steps (which is really only to the bathroom now) he has to use a stick as he can't feel his feet. They don't hurt, he just can't feel anything, and he doesn't feel safe.

Me and my sister are at a loss as to what to do. I've left a message with the mac nurse, so maybe she'll have some ideas. We're also worried that Mum, who is the full-time carer, is struggling to cope, but she's too proud to ask for help.

If anyone has had any similar experience, I'd like to hear from you. Thanks everyone.

Anonymous
  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    trust me ... he knows, but we can never give up hope... well thats my opinion anyway... and thinking "positive" helps us cope with the reality of imminent death... my step brother died 17 months ago and right up till the end he kept saying ..."if i could get my legs to work i would be ok" i was having chemo at the time and we didnt know which one of us was going to die first... we just kept egging each other to keep fighting... he would be so happy that i am still here but we both know/knew whats in store, but if you dwell on it ... how can you even get out of bed in the morning, what would be the point... plus it makes him feel better trying to make his family feel better... because, iif i am normal (and i just might be lol) there is a lot of guilt that goes with knowing your hurting your family... so my advice ... lets pretend is a good game to play.... sorry i cant be of more help i can only say how it is for me

    liz xxxx

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Liz said it all, its more kind to let your Dad deal with his cancer the best way he can, he may be in denial but deep down he knows the score and dealing with this and being positive is his way of coping.I have seen people that have been told bluntly that they have terminal

    cancer and they have given up . As for your mum why dont you serjest to her that you and your sister want to take on some of the caring for your dad to give her some time for herself, if you both offer to help she may not feel so bad about it. Hope we have been some help to you.

    With Love Lucylee. xxxx

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Thanks to you both for your comments and suggestions. It all makes sense, especially what Liz has described. I appreciate you taking the time. We'll soldier on, doing whatever it takes. X

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hi Val.  As you know my mum is doing quite well at the moment but there is no doubt in my mind that she is dealing with her terminal diagnosis just like your dad.  Only last night she said to me 'maybe I'm getting better'.  It is her way of dealing with it to play 'let's pretend' as Liz called it.  If this helps my mum to cope and stay positive then I will go with it.  There is no doubt she knows the reality just like your dad does so it seems to be a safety mechanism to keep everything for themselves and their loved ones normal and positive.  I prefer her doing this than lying down to it and spending her time thinking she's going to die from this horrible disease.  Just take your dads lead and do what makes him happy.  I think it would maybe be good for you and your sister to offer to give your mum a bit of a break.  Maybe if you offer enough she'll accept some help.  Take care.  Love to you all. Caroline XX

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hi Val

    I so understand what your talking about.  My hubby was diagnosed two years ago,  had tumour removed and was clear up until April last year.  We go to see the onc next Tue when he will be commencing treatment,  but as of yet,  he has still to discuss it with me.

    I had to go to GP today because of sinusitis and whilst there got talking to him as he is part of the team that will be treating him......... all it took was a few kind words and, for the first time since his diagnosis, I broke down.  So much so,  I have been signed off work for three weeks.  When I got back home,  he saw how distressed i was and asked what the GP had said to upset me.  When I told him what happened and asked him to talk to me about it,  the response was "it's not me who has cancer, it's someone else, and anyway,  it's going to get better".  I only wish that was the case,  but it's not.  He is stage 4 and completely in denial but I know that it's his way of dealing with it. At the same time,  I could see the sadness and a kind of guilty look in his eyes and I know he feels it's his fault for the way I felt today.  Needless to say,  I changed the subject pronto.  For his sake,  I don't and won't push the issue, if it helps him to keep positive and fight the fight he has to,  then I'll cope with whatever I have to for his sake.  I don't discuss it in detail with my daughters as I know how I feel at times and don't want to upset them as they have enough to deal with just knowing their dad is ill.  It's as previously said,  deep down we all know what the reality is although we don't know the timescales as it varies from person to person.  We just take one day at time, make the most of the time we have and pray for more good days than bad.

    All I can say is thank God for this site and all the wonderful people who are part of it.  You never have to be on your own and best of all,  no matter how trivial you think you may be,  everyone understands because they too have been there at one time or another.

    My love and best wishes to you and your family.