To the left, to the left .....

Funny how time flies ...Introducing Adventures Beyond Cancer & Annabel's Angels

sassy71 — Mon, 18 Feb 2013 22:26:36 GMT

Firstly I want to thank Macmillan - no, this isn't an Oscars speech, it's genuine gratitude. For if I'd never joined the Online Community I would never have met the most amazing people in the real world and we wouldn't have put together the projects we have. So thank you !!

Annabel's Angels is blooming and Simon, Shelley and I haven't stood still for weeks it feels. We have teams for Race for Life in London, Bath, Derby, Aberdeen, Folkestone, Norwich, Kings Lynn, Middlesborough and Worksop - apologies if I have missed any. It's inspiring that we have more and more women wanting to join us and signing up for the walk/run events. We've got t-shirts designed and wristbands and all proceeds are going to Annabel's Hospital in Derby.

This spurned us on and was the inspiration for Adventures Beyond Cancer - Cancer can feel at times to debilitate and stifled what we were before diagnosis, that our diagnosis limits us, crushes our motivation or confidence. And yet here we are newly post treatment and filled with enthusiasm to share with like minded people, new friends and willing to try out new things. After chemo & rads windsurfing isn't so scary lol

We suddenly realised that we could try things and share things with others, and develop an online directory of events and also arrange events so that people could network and try new things, whilst rebuilding confidence in those early months post treatment when you are discovering who the new you is.

Are you interested in an adventure ? Come and find us !!

So here I am a week past rads - burnt and crispy and rising like a Phoenix from the ashes ...I'm bursting with joy though, the past 2 months has been exhilarating, sure I'm not quite my 100 mph pre diagnosis self - maybe 85 mph but isn't that great ? Did I ever think I would regain this speed when I was struggling to regain my breath walking like a tortoise ? Please note though I'm not my former self, I'm aware of my brakes and how I need to slow down at times and how the side effects sneak out of nowhere. So we work around them, climb over them , push them aside and carry on

Here's to making the days count !!

Annabel's Angels Update

sassy71 — Sat, 09 Feb 2013 16:35:40 GMT

Just a quick update on our fundraising progress. So far we've raised £675 in support of Annabel's Angels Race for Life pages. That's pretty impressive after only a week or so of pages being shared.

Who are Annabel's Angels ?

In December 2012 our dear friend Annabel Hancox lost her battle to Breast Cancer. Annabel's Angels was set up to remember this incredibly unselfish, caring & loving woman who helped us all so very much.

Annabel's Angels is a group of women all affected by breast cancer. We met each other during 2012 via the online forum run by Macmillan. We all used the forum but none more so regularly than our dear departed friend Annabel. She spoke to us, held us, reached out to us, we all did and we continue to do so. This group is dedicated to Annabel and her selflessness, determination and love for others. She never ever complained about her illness. We dearly miss her but we acknowledge that without her we wouldn't have the wonderful connections we have today. Her spirit clearly lives on. Out of something so tragic comes something beautiful.

We are in the early days of our venture, and in the first stage we would like to raise funds to support cancer treatment at the Combined Day Unit at the Royal Derby Hospital where Annabel was treated. A replacement treatment chair, for example, costs £5000. So let's just see how much we can raise and where this collaboration can take us.

https://www.facebook.com/AnnabelsAngels/info

Annabel's Angels - We can be heroes just for one day .......Join us !!!

sassy71 — Tue, 29 Jan 2013 17:59:27 GMT

9 months ago I joined Macmillan Online Community after being diagnosed with Breast Cancer . My intentions were to talk to others in the same place as me or who might be able to advise me what treatments would be like or what would happen.

What I found was a group of women who were there for each other, no matter what, good days, bad days, through every symptom and side effect known to woman kind. We were united in our battle as warriors against BC. There was always someone there for whatever you might want to post and although we are all very different and have differences of opinions, we were united in our common enemy - CANCER.

To say the community was shocked and rocked to the core in late December when we lost our lovely Annie40 would be an understatement. Annie touched each and everyone of us, for no matter what she was going through, she still reached out and helped everyone else. She is still greatly missed by us all.

In honour of our beloved friend we are taking part in Race for Life around the country, for some it's their first charity run, for others it's a test of fitness after gruelling treatments - for us all it's celebrating our friendships and honouring Annie's memory. I like to think Annie would be joining us if she were here, and instead will be with us in spirit.

Would you join us ?? We are taking part in London, Folkestone, Aberdeen, Worksop, Norwich - and looking to get some friendly training sessions in before hand. We've a friendly group on Facebook where we share tips and pics of training.

For anyone newly diagnosed, the online community has been one of the best things like a silver lining in the battle against this sh*tty disease.

For more info about Annabel's Angels - INBOX ME :)

Dear Diary it's been 6 weeks since my last chemo .....

sassy71 — Tue, 15 Jan 2013 23:07:21 GMT

Can you believe it ??

Well half the population will have quit their new year's resolutions by now and the gym's will be greedily rubbing their hands at the money for nothing for people not making it back to the gym....BUT not me !!

I'm all ready to start radiotherapy next week and can't believe that I could well be on the last legs of this treatment plan. I say this with all fingers crossed and hope that chemo and rads will have done their job and I can genuinely move ahead with my life.

It's a strange feeling right now, I am feeling physically stronger, my energy is pouring back it's exciting !! I've upped my exercise and that in itself is pushing serotonin through my body. It's bizarre how quickly it returns, one day I was struggling for breath and my heart racing whilst walking my dog, the next I was power walking and dragging my dog behind me and thought hang on ?!! In the same way it deteriorates over night, it also improves. Ok, so to get to my pre diagnosis fitness that will take a bit of time but I have high hopes it will happen and optimistically I've set myself some fitness challenges for this year including Moonwalk with a new friend who finished chemo in November. Yayyy. London are you ready for my decorated bra !! I'm also planning to turn Race for Life into a social walk with friends to honour the lovely Annabel RIP.Not every race has to be a fast one.

I've started to plan my return to work - phased of course, the 100mph Sassy isn't rushing any more - and of course the immediate politics of work reappear. What is it with people ? I've been through diagnosis, surgery, chemo and soon to be rads and lastly hormones (never a good thing) I've woken up and realised there is a hell of a lot more to life and yet the people - NOT ALL !!- you work with , who clearly haven't experienced life changing illness or lost a relative to a disease , want to f*** you over and go back to the competitive school bullying rubbish ...it;s like hello ??? You may not value your life but I SURE as hell do. I have no idea how long I may have left and I'm not wasting it arguing at work !! I've given my friends the option to slap me if I get caught back up in it , they like this prospect funnily enough.

So all feels good and that sometimes feels scary. Why ? Well one bright sunny morning in April last year I felt the same, marching in the woods with my dog, 'Everything is so good....if only I didn't have this lump in my armpit' Will we ever lose the fear of the future now ? A year ago I would never think this would happen let alone what if this comes back ? Now I think - if it does I hope I've got enough sick leave, I hope I can claim on insurance, and most importantly I hope I can beat the cr*p out of this !! It's bizarre that I've not even finished this fight and I'm thinking of a potential rematch. I don't want this to be a movie sequel or box set !!

Guess this is the legacy of cancer , you have the incredible highs of starting to feel better once the side effects of chemo lessen , you cope with the straggling side effects - hot flushes yuk , joint pains and tiredness that acts as a pace maker and reminds you you've been ill and had toxic chemicals pulsating though your body. I've got gamma rays to aid my superhero ambition :) Maybe this is what people who haven't been through this don't understand. They think oh well your treatment is over you will ping back into your pre diagnosis life, like a yummy mummy jumping back into her size 8 jeans. Hmmmmmmmmmm

To be continued ....

A single girls guide to cancer ....things that go bump in the night

sassy71 — Sun, 30 Dec 2012 04:51:52 GMT

Hello insomnia my new friend, you've come to talk to me again !! It's rather reminiscent of my kids early years actually where you have (seemingly) years of broken sleep and early mornings, I'm sure I can't remember a lot of their early memories from sleep deprivation.

Me being awake & the early hours waking have a new relationship, it's gone past the dating stage into fully fledged let's make a go of this and even change our BookFace relationship status -it's that serious. It's like a timer has been preset in my body to wake up around the same time every night regardless of whatever time I go to bed. Some nights I try the let's play some music to get back to sleep - it usually just gives me a background to my tossing and turning, night sweats and over thinking. Some nights I try the let's watch a movie, now that normally can send me back to sleep with very disturbing dreams - apart from the nights I got engrossed in Sex in The City box sets and stayed up on a marathon instead.

Wakeful and sleepless nights - mehhh these used to be from fun experiences before diagnosis and sweat from engaging in entangled limbs not hormone affected, chemo affected body flushes, the beads of sweat on my bald, trying to grow new hair head is so not fun - yuk. I would smile and laugh dragging myself into work after sleepless nights from fun reasons . Those were the days eh ?

I've never checked out whether Macmillan have a leaflet or advice on living with cancer and being single - maybe I should do this when I can't sleep ! But I can ramble my own thoughts on it. Rewind back to my diagnosis and my worries back then, obviously after about my kids etc , was whether the guy I was dating would stick around - 10 points if you correctly guessed he would make false promises and then bolt ! Mais oui, chemotherapy chic is not for the faint hearted.

I was tagged in a describe your ex with a movie title the other day, my gems were The Vanishing, The Departed and The Good The Bad and The ugly - real talk !! The Vanishing seems very apt to the guy I was dating who didn't even stick around to see what having a mastectomy and chemotherapy would do to my body, guess you could say ..Very Superficial, the writing's on the wall.

Then from nowhere a new bizarre twist occurred, I call this now on reflection the last minute love interests - the guys who I have been platonic friends with for years who plucked up the courage to tell me they had always liked me. Why now ? Why just when I've been diagnosed with this and all that you may have found attractive is about to vanish - I wonder if this is linked to the checking in before you check out group...??

That's a very strange thing when you are first diagnosed and vulnerable to comprehend but in away another person still desiring you when you are about to lose a breast, and then later your losing hair is a great confidence boost and in a way my own version of Smith or Oliver Martinez really did help me back in the early months. He stuck by me through surgery and the early chemos, even though admitting it scared him - the chemo not my changed appearance of that he was very reassuring. This should be a blog with a happy ending, we fell in love in a hopeless place....sorry it's not. My version of Smith ran out of steam. Some things just do, it wasn't because I burdened him with my worries and fears and insecurities - maybe it was because I didn't !! On reflection somewhere along the path I stopped confiding how I felt to him as I didn't want it to be heavy, or a burden and I blogged instead or maybe at pressure point told a female friend. Maybe I am guilty of being too independent and concealing my vulnerability too well. Hmmm.

Somewhere late into chemo there was a change and Smith stepped down. Sure I was sad and disappointed the last 3 chemos ravaged my body, dented my confidence and took my over thinking mind to new places. In those times a hug would have been like Willy Wonka's Golden Ticket. I sucked it up. I've been a single parent 10 years so being alone I'm more accustomed to, however at this point in my life , especially when I read threads about how wonderful other halves were it smarted it. But like the Joker says, what doesn't kill you makes you stranger.

So here I am, chemo finished and waiting for rads to start. I often joke with my friends about what life after treatment will bring. Right about now I wouldn't notice if anyone was looking at me in a how you doing manner as my eyes are down, my closed for business sign displayed and my sole focus is beating this cancerous beast that robbed me of a dear friend yesterday. She was too young, with a young family and I feel hateful to cancer for taking her. F*** YOU CANCER !!!

But just how would the cast of Sex in the City fair if they had a boob missing and freshly grown crew cut, no eyelashes to flutter and chemo weight gain that enhances a powerful build ? No waspish waist and girly twirling of hair. I could deceive anyone with a bouncy wig and bouncy prosthesis but unless I turn into Christiana Grey, blindfold and tie up hands - there maybe a little bit of a problem when it comes to intimacy with anyone. Hold up ...before you even go past Go and collect £200 or go to Prison...how the heck will you have the confidence to meet someone anyway ?? Aha haaa and that my friends is the million dollar question. I am sure I've written I have a dysfunctional relationship with love before, if it's a been my life long ambition to meet emotionally unavailable guys and their ambition to prove my warpy thoughts about myself are true. Self fulfilled prophecy is a b*tch.

Society dictates that attractiveness is based on physicality, people obsess about weight gain, getting older , minor blemishes...it's said people can make up their mind about you in 5 seconds from first appearance. WOW - with a wig on no one would know - without it ohhh she's the sick one, which summons up what ? Thoughts that I'm brave , tough, strong ...and in some of my male friends and they have told me this they didn't want to see me like that - they were afraid how they might feel seeing me ....what ? Bald, vulnerable ? Hmmmm stripped of so called external beauty ? The Heart breaker as I refer to him, was the love of my life, some how we remained friends , he has avoided seeing my chemo chic and says it won't be long to my old Sassy is back ....Ummm reality check for you Mr the old me is dead and gone.

So what of being single and living with cancer and life after treatment- maybe I will have my own Carriesque blog for I can't really imagine I will live whatever is left of my precious life without companionship at least. My friends say it will be someone who sees you for all that you are, not just the external packaging and that's a much better thing, of course ...but how do they expect you to meet someone and the getting to know you includes yeah well I've just had a career break to beat cancer. Or do you not mention it and keep them in the friend zone ?? To lots of people, meeting someone who is recovering (i hope !!) from cancer would be a do not past go ..their own fear of your experience and possible relapse wouldn't make for great dating. Am I right ? Am I wrong ? Would be nice to hear from other singletons to hear your experiences

Ending this on a positive note - there are some perks of being single in chemo and thereafter - wind - gale force chemo wind - ain't nobody got time for that !! No being a lady and holding it back or popping into the loo to pass delicate wind ha ha in front of a guy -FEC-T produces explosive wind - single ladies don't have to hold back !!

Night sweats - no additional bodies in the bed to make your bed a water bed or any one to freeze when you alternate between kicking covers off or on.

No partner to b*tch and moan about when you are having a bad day or in pain ...can substitute animals or kids here lol ..

And no one to say really Sassy it's 4am why are you blogging nonsense again ??

And on that note I bid you good night, good morning - until the next episode :)

The week we all survived the end of the world

sassy71 — Sun, 23 Dec 2012 00:13:31 GMT

Gangnam style conspiracy theory - really ?? Wow !! The people behind that hoax must have made some money and sure had some balls !!

So whilst everyone bantered about the Mayan end of the world and I'm sure pregnancy rates will have a boom in September 2013 , I reflected how my diagnosis had already given me the opportunity to get my house in order. Nothing like this to make you sort out who is who in your life !! People have definitely come and gone this year. The precious time I was wasting on the wrong people reclaimed, the lose strings of the past tied up ..it has been a fast track to get back on track. I've had plenty of opportunities to have laughs and make new memories in this time too so it's not been all bad. Far from it !

One of my friends said how on New Years Day last year I had said this year I'm going to make more time for friends and family and get my priorities right - oh how right that was ! It's ironic that I didn't set resolutions, I made statements of what I HOPED the year would bring obviously a diagnosis didn't feature but everything I stated has happened ...a more balanced life - well not being a workaholic for 7 months has helped , more time for friends - check !!, a healthier diet - thanks chemo, financial balance - surprisingly so, regular exercise - ok not the fast paced kicking action I hoped for but definitely a daily feature now. Love ...well in some ways this appeared briefly too :)

Be careful what you wish for or it just might happen. I definitely believe there is something powerful about words and thoughts - I don't believe in your subconcious bringing ill health to you or punishing you, don't get me wrong. I'm not sure that wishing for Will Smith will mean that he will dump Jada and fly over and sweep me up in his arms ...or that you will win the lottery as let's face it we have all mapped out how we would spend it in out minds. But I do think we can affect how we feel by what we say or think. Go figures really, if you write OMG I'm having a bad day, does it make your day better ? Surely more bad things are collected and added to the day. Including like minded negative people to share their woes - not reassure you it will get better. Misery seeks company !! Likewise if you are having a good day and put that out there doesn't it keep getting better ? Lots of positive remarks from others and smiles making more smiles :)

Everyone has bad days and dark thoughts, we wouldn't be human if we didn't .I don't think there is anything wrong with acknowledging and expressing how you feel, you most definitely should, but my uber optimism means that I naturally counterbalance negative thoughts when they appear and steer away from too much time in the dark side. My last Tax dose tested this and for a week my mood was low, I felt like I was grieving, unexpected tearfulness, reminded me of when my mum died, you would just cry whenever the first few weeks. What did I note about my testing week with Tax - that I shut down and didn't share my misery with anyone, I rode through the storm in private as I hate sharing misery or asking for help. I'm not suggesting this is a good thing, it's just how I am and how I cope. It made me reflective of my life and consider what had come and gone and the positive outcome of a week of low spirit (with me there is always a positive) is it made me more emphatic of what other people must feel and struggle with as for a few days the urge to stay absorbed in my cocoon of misery was great but my drive for life pulled me out reminding me of all the things I want to achieve. I shook myself down and gave myself a daily to do list - I'm a girl who needs aims and outcomes !! We all need some kind of reason, purpose or occupation in life I believe and when that wanes so does your motivation.

I reflected that without a diagnosis we take too much for granted, always assume there is another day another chance. We sit on the fence at times putting off decisions and sometimes stay in situations that make us unhappy from fear of change. We potter along on jobs, relationships, even hairstyles that don't suit us, fit us any more or make us happy. We clutter our lives with possessions, invitations, events, cr*p friends , mindless television and sometimes hide in alcohol or drugs to enhance the boredom of everyday living, cos we aren't really living - until Cancer calls. Cancer is an unexpected, unwelcome dramatic change - hello here I come let's pull everything out and start again !!

What have I shared in my defragmentation of life with my friends - enjoy it, do what you love and who you love LOL ...quit the crap job, take chances, learn something new, tell people what you think LIVE don't EXIST. Why does it take this to realise this ? My diagnosis has changed my friends and families lives and after they got over their initial thoughts of this isn't fair they have all started to make changes and challenges in their life and that makes me grateful for this unwanted diagnosis. I love the fact my friends are challenging their lives and living !! It's a reminder to me to keep moving forward too, to make the changes I need to Whilst I will never be happy this has happened to me, I can accept it and be grateful of the options it's provided me with

I will never be the person I was in many respects and is that a bad thing ? The old me needed a wake up call - maybe not as dramatic as this but the new me is equipped with a lot of upgrades to move forward with and everyday I am getting more comfortable in my skin and getting stronger. Life is truly good.

Chemo is a closed chapter nearly just the side effects remain and the urge and pull to get back to work and a sense of normality is ever present now. Patience is key now, no rushing back to old habits, time to practise what I've learnt on my career break will be coming soon. A new challenge That excites me ...we all need a sense of purpose to feel fulfilled, I've got so much I want to do, I'm grasping this 2nd chance and wanting to fill it with all I can and not waste the precious time I have been given. So for me I don't need anything for Xmas except my health or maybe some eyelashes ...oh and my digestive system to work !!

#You've only got one shot, so make it count : )

The importance of nose hair and why eyebrows are sisters and not twins !!

sassy71 — Mon, 10 Dec 2012 19:38:59 GMT

Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got
Till it's gone

So Joni Mitchell sang - she wasn't wrong about nose hair ! I'm at the end of chemo and whilst shaving my legs or pits aren't missed at all, those little nose hairs that stop your nose dripping like a tap when you go out in the cold most desperately are. Are you with me ? You totally take for granted eyelashes, nose hair, ear hair ...all there to protect you from foreign invaders and the extremities. Huge quantities of tissue are stuffed into pockets when dog walking and packed into bags for shopping trips even. Hardly the most attractive look is a leaky snoz.

Then let's talk about eyebrows, now if you had told me in January mine would have taken a sabbatical by Xmas I would have laughed, unless one of my friends had shaved them off on a drunken night. Ironically the year I lose mine, the HD brow has become so popular that really no one would even know you weren't just following the trend ! I've gotten used to drawing on my brows now , at first I thought I am sooooo going to end up with McD's hoops or lopsided caterpillars. The best piece of advice I had was that eyebrows are not identical twins - clearly !

Such trivial mutterings you think, perhaps ...I've just escaped Docetexal jail, where it held me prisoner within myself for 2 days in the lifeless, restless, can't sleep, can't eat, pain and misery zone. Tax is really the only thing that acts as a depressant and suppresses my little ray of sunshine, maybe this is a good thing ...for everything needs balance I guess. Tax hasn't done it's job until it makes me cry , it always manages to. Last cycle from sheer pain, this last cycle ...from reality. Reality of what I've actually been through and it struck me ...this year hasn't slowed down at all like I thought. I just swapped the treadmill of work, life and socialising for the treadmill of surgery,chemo and hospital appointments. I hit a whirlwind of treatment 7 months ago and when you reflect on it, what time have you really had to consider it all ? You lost your breast, you got on with it, you lost your hair, you got on with it ...days for of nausea came and went -thankfully, days full of energy were enjoyed ...days of pain, hidden tears, getting on with it to not upset others. Wearing a brave face when facing situations you never hoped or imagined you would.

So here I am ...reflecting at the end of my chemo with a 5 minute pause before my next whirl of treatment to follow, my brain and body playing catch up. Part of me excited by the fact I'm nearing the end of this treatment and I can start to aim for new things in my new life, part of me apprehensive of what the future holds, whether indeed this treatment has even worked, will that uncertainty ever go ? I have previously considered that having a diagnosis of cancer is like throwing everything up in the air and seeing what settles when it falls back to the ground, I still think that's true but I am also concious in some areas you will have choices than others , like friends, hobbies and work. But just how the side effects will leave your body hmmm that's another matter, just how long will it take to not feel so tired or achy etc..How much will that effect what you want to do and how much you can do. That's where chemo reminds you it was in control. That's where patience and acceptance re emerge ..So to boldly and confidently go into the unknown go I ...that's kind of exciting too, in a strange way.

#there is no stopping anyone that is determined to achieve, the only limits we imprison ourselves with our own

You gotta be strong enough to walk on through the night (yeah) There's a new day on the other side (yeah) You've got to have hope in your soul Just keep on walkin', woah, woah, yeah

sassy71 — Fri, 07 Dec 2012 08:10:41 GMT

Life throws challenges at you, the choices you make to beat them come from within and are maximised by the support that you receive from others. But without your own inner fire, determination and desire it wouldn't be possible. Play to win, find the motivation to rise above the challenge even when there are dark days, all things pass and balance is restored. Keep on moving forward.

Yesterday I graduated from chemo camp !! They say time flies when you are having fun, it also flies when you are on a chemo regime. I honestly hope is a very, very, very long time before I have any further installations !!

It's was 7 months yesterday that my life changed and I have never been more grateful for what I feel is my 2nd chance in life. It's been a huge learning curve and I've fondly referred to this as my career break, just not on a sunny island like I would have preferred. I am truly blessed that I have felt supported all round in my journey and haven't suffered as much as others.

What has this experience taught me so far ...that cancer like most things is a relay race, some people will start the race with you , with all good intentions and then drift off, some will join you in the middle and others will last the distance and cross the finishing line with you. It's not always the people you expect that are there for you, which serves as a reminder to not have expectations of anyone apart from yourself : )

Everyone's involvement at any stage is a blessing and has a purpose, teaches you a lesson or is beneficial one way or another. There is no need to be upset when people move on or drop off as was just their time in a very long race :)

I've learnt that cancer tests all your preconceived thoughts and ideas about yourself and what you believe, it digs up old wounds and weaknesses, it gives you reminders of things you need to let go off and strings you need to tie up and leave behind. It also shows you your strengths, coping strategies, determination, motivation and courage. It shows you how adaptable you are and how acceptance is key. It's like the biggest personal upheaval you can face and a test of how you adapt to the challenge - sink or swim, you do have a choice.

In 7 months everything about me has changed, not just my external package, I will never be the old Sassy, but instead a new me is emerging .I used to be scared of how others would see me and then I realised that anyone who struggled to accept the new me, was part of the past too and didn't really know the person inside. After all my personality hasn't changed that dramatically - I was always crazy, outspoken and at times blunt ! But my pushiness, positivity and determination has seen me through this - being authentic when people doubted me at the beginning and thought I was in denial or my positivity wouldn't last !! Ha proved you wrong eh ? Positivity is not always about being happy, no one is happy everyday - but positivity is knowing better days will come, that there is always hope and making the best out of difficult situations and letting them change you for the best.

8 months ago I was rushing around, working endless hours and my priorities and worries were definitely in the wrong places, I am grateful for the wake up call of this diagnosis to CTRL+ALT+DEL my settings . It's given me a chance to rethink what I want from life and what I need to change to restore balance in my life.

So yesterday I was full of a mixed bag of emotions, relief, happiness, fear and apprehension...I never take chemo for granted and at the moment the side effects are at bay until super steroids wear off tomorrow. I feel proud of myself for getting through this part of my treatment, I'm two thirds through now and rads to come in the new year.

I was saddened briefly by a friends refusal to see the new me and instead them harping on about my old self the long flowing locks and boobs and i realised this was their problem - I am accepting of my asymmetric self and my prosthesis is convincing, I'm making peace with my new chemo curves, they have kept me strong and healthy in this fight, I love the changes losing my hair has brought and the chances I can take now with new styles and colours when it grows back !! The ultimate makeover !! Sure I have challenges ahead in my new external shape but challenges are workable and i am alive !!

Sure I don't know if this treatment has worked and won't until my 1 year anniversary and I'm facing reality that my nasty cells spread out of lymph and the aggressive rads is to knock any stragglers at bay - but I feel strong and hopeful. That's all we can hope for.

You gotta be strong enough to walk on through the night (yeah)
There's a new day on the other side (yeah)
You've got to have hope in your soul
Just keep on walkin', woah, woah, yeah

The Gift – and why unexpected ones are always the best

sassy71 — Fri, 23 Nov 2012 10:13:00 GMT

Way back in the weeks before I was diagnosed I was running a carers group , nothing unusual in that, a group of older women caring for their husbands with a variety of serious ailments and a few with dementia – which was meant to be the focal point of the criteria selection – but anyway. Amongst the group was a petite woman who was so organised, her husband’s care routine ran to clock and she managed to have time for herself and recognised the importance, something some, well, let’s face it most carers do not consider in their attempts to look after their loved ones, self-sacrificing everything including their sanity and health over long periods of time. This woman reminded me of me, and her control of the situation was screamingly obvious, coming from a family of control freaks it made me smile. But what this woman was about to give me was the biggest surprise of my life and also the biggest gift which I feel I have retold so many times but never written down before, so here goes….

‘One day I fell over and broke both my leg and my arm’, she began, shocked faces around the room, ‘So I took myself to hospital.‘ As you do! I smiled as remembered driving myself to A&E with a fracture, tis a scratch and hiring an automatic car after I broke my foot - shhhhh. Aha, I thought a fellow Monty Python knight who is going to tell me even with her half hanging off limbs she continues (as I would do) with everything she has to do like a mature superwoman with her M&S pants over her tights.

‘When I got home,’ she continued, ‘I put myself to bed, I remembered this huge book my friend had given me and I said I’m not getting up until I have finished it.’ Quizzical look from me, I was almost waiting for her to say like Borat NOT!! I was waiting for her to say that didn’t last long so I jumped up and ran a marathon and you just carry on don’t you? She didn’t , she continued , ‘I knew that my family would be in a mess and not do things the way I do things but I thought they will get on with it and manage and I need to really recover.’ I think I was in shock, it felt like the most important story I had ever heard, it was shouting at me in high definition. At the time I didn’t even know why, but it really hit home and in the following weeks I retold this story to carers and staff alike truly proud of this woman’s grasp of acceptance and letting go of control. I never ran my last carers group of that series as by then my diagnosis had appeared from nowhere and Bone scans and CT scans forced me not to attend. I never ever forgot that story though.

Fast forward to now, I honestly wonder why I was given that lesson just weeks before the most life changing diagnosis of my life but I have never been more grateful, if I was the Queen I would have given her a knighthood. For me before diagnosis my diary was so packed with meetings, events and juggling life and home I had no time for annual leave, sick leave or time off in lieu. I needed a holiday from myself – hello Breast Cancer!! Now in the past, let me share, I am not a person to be stopped by ill health or misfortune, I’d be like a character in a fighting game, lose a life and carry on for the KO even with limbs missing.

True to character at first a few days after diagnosis I was like I’ll just carry on as normal, of course I will work through this ….my boss, who although I may have thought crazy at the time and doubted her motives, ordered me to have time of work. What?? Don’t you know work is a coping strategy and distractor?? I almost screamed. I think I may have sulked but then this story came into my mind and like Obi One Ken Obi a voice was there saying ‘Acceptance is key’.

I’ve always been a 100 mph person, I was even born prematurely, trust me my slow is still others fast and probably even now I’m moving faster than people would expect, but that’s my intrinsic nature and my authentic self. I have always carried on when ill, forced myself into work, put others before me and felt that I had to. My dad would tell me as a kid when I would be frustratedly kicking my legs whilst laying on the sofa with fevers and viruses, ‘Just let it work through you, you can’t rush illness it has to work its way out of your body in its own time’ Another brown cloaked Jedi Master.

What this wonderful woman gave me even without realising was the right to go with the flow and relinquish control. That’s the message I want to share with everyone. Acceptance is not defeat or being weak. Acceptance is not being submissive and giving up the fight. Acceptance is going with the flow, letting go of the tight reigns when you need to, letting others help even if they rearrange your house in the meantime LOL. Acceptance is letting the side effects of chemo do their worse and just thinking everything passes. Acceptance is knowing that this period of ill health is temporary and better days will return. It’s the thought that I cannot plan in advance and push myself to get well by a deadline, but I do know I will be well and I will be able to pick back up the things I choose to. Acceptance is about letting go of the old parts of you that will never fit into the now or the future you. Acceptance is saying ok, I never wanted this to happen, but now that is has I choose to make the best out of this and work through this. Acceptance is empowering.

I have never been more grateful in life for this story and indeed for the words my dad gave me years ago. For some people they learnt this lesson years ago and it’s old news for them, but for me this is a headline. Thank you Cathy for this gift.

Don't stop me now, I'm having such a good time - I'm having a ball.....

sassy71 — Fri, 16 Nov 2012 12:00:07 GMT

Ok, so 5th installation done and just one more to go. Can I kick it - yes I CAN !

Sure my steroids maybe whipping up this positive frenzy but they aren't the underlying positive feelings that are growing and gathering as I am nearing the end of this chemo treatment. I am proud of myself for coping so well and I feel blessed and grateful to my friends, family and medical team for their continued support and encouragement on this journey.

You do need help on this path and as a perpetual giver prior to my diagnosis it's been an education to receive from others too, but you realise you actually need the balance of both in your life. As much as it feels good to give, it also makes others feel good by giving to you and you receiving. It need not be big things, just smiles, hugs, sharing emails, blogs, dropping in with food, acknowledging any side effects ...so long as you are in a reciprocated friendship it's all good. Give and take

I'm bursting with joy today, my brain active while my body rests. I feel content and excited that I have this second opportunity at life and will maximise it for as long as I can. I love the days like this where I have to rest, but can stimulate my brain reading and researching a luxury when I'm back in the fast paced working world. Today I thought so I really return to that world after treatment ends ? Sure we are all tied one way or another with financial burdens mores the pity and wouldn't it be marvellous to not have them and be free ? But life is not always like that - so you find alternatives to work around the obstacles , under, over, around, whatever. I am putting out to the universe (as I'm pretty spiritual - it works for me ) that I want a positive change, you need to make your own opportunities in life, I've always been self motivated and driven so won't lack enthusiasm to achieve this. I'm thinking of using this life changing experience as something positive to help others so emailed some charities for volunteering options - don't think I'm the only person who wants to give back after this am I ?

Well I hope that the side effect Gods are kind with this treatment, it's usually a creeper and every high has a low - but it's temporary and it passes and I for one am eternally grateful for the treatments and interventions that can help to heal us and give us back our lives

#one life, forget how long for - just maximise all that you have for as long as you can :)

Reflecting on what I have learnt along my way - 6 months in

sassy71 — Mon, 12 Nov 2012 15:29:00 GMT

The past 6 months have flown past and I'm nearing the final 6 miles of my chemo marathon. I would never have believed how quickly it would pass and when I look back to my apprehension before starting I wonder if there is something any of us can do to help others on their journey.

The thing about chemo is just like us it's so unpredictable and individual. Even though you are given a list of side effects and yes, you may experience 8 out of 10 of them, the severity, your coping mechanisms and mindset are all different.As a newbie, stumbling across women's taies of constant vomiting perhaps gave me a worse case scenario, you hoped this wouldn't be you. Then other women working, running and carrying on as normal gave you role models and people to aspire to.

Truth be said chemo is in control of you when it takes over the steering wheel of your body, you become the passenger. What I've learnt is to go with it and not be afraid, as surely everything passes even unpleasant things. Every day has a night ....every summer a winter. So losing days with no appetite, feeling sick, aching, tired, they too pass and your energy floods back in. So agreeably it's accumulative powers means by the final chemo it may take longer to bounce back as your powerhouse of batteries and cell production will have be caned. I've learnt to slow down and not push myself as hard, accept that my body has a few limitations -albeit temporary ones. I can plan achievable goals for recovery but be flexible in my expectations so not to disappoint or pressure myself.

I've learnt to be clear in my communications with others - this is no time for guess work or playing games, ok I may have always lent more towards blunt honesty ...now I find if something upsets me say it, something makes me happy share it , something scares me -air it ! I've been reaping the benefits of blogging too, it's a great way to hear out loud the words in your mind. I promise I haven't hurt or injured any friends in this open communication channel - altho there have been friends that say they don't always know what to say for what I might say.

Balance is majorly important too. You maybe living with cancer, but it's a small part of you and there are many other aspects that require time, nourishment, acknowledgement. We wear many labels, I was determined Cancer wouldn't be my defining one. See friends, try and maintain hobbies and pastimes, make new friends that can relate to this aspect of you to share things with but don't exclude other friends and family when trying to protect them from your illness. Utilise your time to learn about yourself or learn things you want to do and never had the time if you aren't working, if you are working pace yourself ! Laugh, love, life don't limit yourself. Life will carry on so join in with everything that you can.

Face your fears and do it anyway. Cancer has changed us. No matter how much you think you want your old life pre diagnosis back, you will never have it. Sure you will have aspects of it maybe even 90% but you will have changed from the day your diagnosis was presented to you. The way you view life, priorities and ambitions ...mortality. None of can say we won't think, will it come back ? Unfortunately the nature of the beast (being human) is presenting yourself with that worrying fear especially if we feel a pain, a lump, a twinge or approach appointments and scans.

Become a butterfly and emerge from your chemo cocoon, flex your new wings and consider, now what ? What happens after this journey , as it's not over when the treatment clock says stop. I've always been determined and focus, has having cancer changed that no, I've just learnt to accept a slower pace - for now. I've a long way to go and no doubt when I reflect on this blog like I do with my early ones I'll have different feelings or think did I really think that ? Or maybe think - yup I nailed that.

In my earlier blogs when first diagnosed I was so worried of losing people I cared about, that they would disappear. I knew it was a marathon not a sprint and also likened it to a relay race, some people will start it with you, others will join you in the middle and there will be those that run to the finishing line with you. Be grateful for whatever and whoever participates, in all their ways, gestures and presence you are growing, learning and developing ...as are they. Everything happens for a reason, sometimes only a season and others a lifetime. Embrace whatever someone brings, sometimes only after they have gone, do you see the clear purpose of their role. My expectations of people remain the same - don't have expectations and you won't be disappointed !

So, to draw a close to my ramble - I've learnt gratitude, appreciation, acceptance, love, friendship, understanding, empathy, selfishness - is it selfish to consider yourself first ? Nope. I've also learnt that written words can be more cutting and powerful than anything you can say, so write carefully.

Love, light and strength to everyone on their journeys. Be yourself , it's your time to love you.

Whoop there it is ....4 down and 2 to go !! Can I kick it - yes I CAN !!!

sassy71 — Fri, 26 Oct 2012 14:28:00 GMT

So I swapped to the highly reputed Tax this week and I freely admit was apprehensive about it's bad boy reputation, but luckily no allergic reaction at installation this time ...

I know this one can be a creeper and altho I feel a lot better than i would do on day 1 post FEC I'm not letting my guard down to quickly and celebrating prematurely. Most people say day 4 is the bone pain creeping in. So have my coping strategies at hand and distractions.

I can't complain though, life is good and I feel jubilant in my journey, sure life isn't what it was 6 months ago - much of it is better. Resetting your priorities is vital or you waste your precious life on the wrong things and wrong people. Whilst Cancer is unsettling, we will never be absolutely clear or some of us shake it off completely , we can't let it ruin our hopes, dreams and aspirations. There are always obstacles in life and it's adapting, working around them or different ways over them to continue. I myself face the fact that my spread means curative is a hope and more realistic is living with a chronic disease. If that's the case - you still live - I intend to ...And there's no stopping us right now !!

I'm a martial artist, it gives me determination and chemo has ravaged my fitness but not my desire, so my aerobic capacity has dropped and strained but it;s not stopping me - I have found alternative less vigorous training until I finish chemo and then start working back on my fitness. Life is a series of challenges.It's up to you if you face them or run away. I always like a head on battle. I do laugh at myself tho I was with my team last weekend and with my bald head fit in more with the tough MMA guys look now. They say Sassy you got bigger balls then me, You are fighting a tougher battle than we ever will - I look at their shovel fists, boxers ears and muscles for days and think I dunno chemo is more of a chess player than a ground and pound guy. It's sly and tactical you are never sure which angle it can come with - altho sometimes with a sneaky upper cut !! My boxing coach was positive about my return and my Muay Thai coach filled me with carbs to my already heavier frame - ha I said you just want to fatten me up do I get back kicking quicker - of course he says back in the cage for you !! My therapy work is picking up again with another team interested and my wig Sassy so convincing they were shocked I was still on chemo after inviitng me to roll on the mats with some BJJ training. Life is good, can you ever imagine you can have cancer and feel so happy and excited by lifes opportunities ?? I am and make no apologies of my exburance for life - I'm living to the fullest whilst I can

#here's to living and learning from this journey !!! Keep fighting everyone <3

It's not me - it's you, no really it's you !

sassy71 — Thu, 11 Oct 2012 20:15:29 GMT

Chemotherapy and me fell out this cycle. It's not me it's you !! We can't even have a trial separation we are stuck in this committed catastrophe for another 3 cycles yet. It was all going so well until I started to want things to go my way and hey chemo is just so dominating, taking all my energy, my thoughts, my awareness, my words hell even my memory. So I tried to make a stand and be like, I don't like the way you are treating me lately ..I even thought we need a break !! Of course chemo didn't listen and just carried on walking over me like a submissive I've become. OMG I'm in a relationship with the chemo equivalent of Christian Grey !

Sure this sounds funny today, but for the last couple of days I've really not appreciated being the underdog to a chemical missile hurtling around my body, it's rocked my uber optimism and tipped me into I don't like it and don't want to play any more mode where my over thinking mind tried to take back control from chemo, A battle of wills, I'm so glad today I've levelled back out. Ok Chemo Grey still owns my digestive system, senses and probably every other part of my body but MY BRAIN is back in control for now.

I'm never saying chemo is easy, it isn't...I've frequently said that I obey the Chemo Gods and let them do their thing for a few days and those yukky days where you sleep, don't sleep, feel in a restless non existent blerghhhh but this chemo it has seemed a little more testing and I've felt worse. Aha that be why it's called accumulative damn you ! So buckle up and enjoy the turbulent ride and volatile dysfunctional relationship with chemo - shhh don;t tell him but I'm only doing this till Xmas and then single days are mine again ....to days without anti sickness tablets and antacids...to having a normal sense of smell and taste. To having no pain !! To freedom !!!!!!

Whoaaaaaaaaaaa we're half way there, whooooaaa living on a prayer, take my hand we'll make it I swear....whoooaaa LOL

sassy71 — Sun, 07 Oct 2012 17:43:47 GMT

Day 3 post 3rd cycle of FEC boo yaaa !! In one hand I am so grateful to be done with FEC but in another I am scared of the dreaded Tax that follows. FEC hasn't treated me too badly really, the first round with the retching oooh that ah*t was not nice, but every cycle the nausea on ground zero day lessened, although the prolonged gastric stuff not been so nice, But actually you get used to it, know your coping strategies, expect not to eat or eat carbs for 5 /6 days and that the food cravings will kick in and for me they are proteins mmmm bacon. Then your energy days where i meet friends for lunch, squeeze in the cinema etc...LIVE like i'm not on chemo ...and drag myself back to oncology with a bump for he next installation.

So my birthday was awesome, chemo didn't slow down my party spirit and two late nights on the bounce, without Jagermeister I'm still as nuts without alcohol and it makes no difference. A very moving night with all my friends sporting wigs and then we swapped to he bald look. Being publicly bald on your birthday is kinda liberating and one of my besties shaved the straggles of my hair off to help me officially join the boy zone :) I can honestly say I've been blessed throughout my journey, I look back and read my worries about losing my breast and how I adapted well and worries of losing my hair and yet how as family & friends we've made it light hearted and no where near as upsetting as I thought it might be.

I know my lovely friends found that difficult, I see and feel their sadness, but I was me, a lighter, brighter , balder version of me, rocking the Dr Evil look in style. My hair didn't define me but it was a large part and a signature I guess. But I feel free now and able to consider after my treatment I'm going to be sooo adventurous with shaved styles and crops. Funky times ahead. We spent my birthday night dressed like Mike Tyson in Hangover with tribal tattoos love it !! The next morning after sleeping with my drunken buddies on the floor , I rose like a bald meercat with the sun bursting off my bald head and set off a huge bunch of giggles in the room. One of my besties said later in the week, I'm not going to lie , it initially upset me - but now all I see is your unchanged face and big smile . Ha I'm smiling as i've lost the lady tache and eyebrow stragglers that were so time consuming ha ha ..I am sooooo not looking forward to body hair returning !! So much time saved not shaving, waxing and plucking lol ....laser treatment after for me !!

I've been thinking a lot about life lately, trying to keep the balance, ensure that I learn from this experience. I had a very honest discussion with my consultant and my friends & family - the kind of conversation they really don't want to hear but I have to be honest and accepting, life is unpredictable anyway. The consultant was marvellous, empathetic and honest - hello I really am a human , feeling person - amazing !! I had the chance to discuss my treatment plan and their decisions, she was really thoughtful and considered my life. With the way my cancerous cells have spread, it has always concerned me whether chemo would be enough, the decision to not take my pectoral muscles is not ideal as she said but they didn't want to leave me with a permanent disability plus they don't know the extent. I appreciated her honesty and the consideration and she said we hope more than anything that the intensive radiotherapy and chemo combination will work. We shared a nice moment of eye contact when I said, you know I know not everything is curable and hey getting to remission for as long as possible sounds like a great plan to me. I'm not naive enough or deluded to think everyone is cured and that cancer itself is a tough opponent, unpredictable, hides and waits for vulnerabilities or opportunities to bounce back or creep out. It's life no drama, to truth be said is you keep living, make the best of things, I've no plans to meet the grim reaper yet and have time to do the things I want to - I hope ! LOL That Red Cross tv advert of the person beating cancer and then choking on a burger whilst recovered is a bit harsh !! But reality is that, unpredictable and unexpected - keep living life and waste no time.

This sounds a little reflective as always sure, and facing your own mortality in a serious illness is normal and healthy I guess. It's hard for my family and friends to consider my life expectancy may be shorter than before and I smile when some well meaning people say oh gosh so and so had this and 30 years later blah, blah. I'd like that to be my story too and sure there is no prognosis on bloody mindedness and determination, so let's just live. I am grateful for everyday, every memory, every thing - maybe not X Factor and want to continue to feel this way and not get lost in the abyss of work and busy life again once I reach my remission. Sure normality has to creep in, but i never want to lose the balance, the acknowledgement that life isn't just a career or fitting people in or a blur of rushing from place to place, one meeting, one deadline etc etc

So here I am happy to be another year older, still feeling amazing and surrounded by loving, supportive friends and family that I really have more time for with many, many, many more days and nights of memories to create ahead...choose life - never stop- never waste precious time, for time cannot be made up for later. :)

All the crazy SH*T we did tonight, that will be the best memories ...I just wanna let it go for the night, that would be the best therapy for me .....<3

It's my birthday, it's my birthday ....

sassy71 — Mon, 24 Sep 2012 17:53:33 GMT

Well - here I am my birthday's eve - ta da !! What a difference a year makes ...last year I turned 40 and was in the whirlwind of juggling work, studying, kids, social life, and who knows whatever else. I never walked if I could run, I frequently skipped meals, had many sleepless nights - lots for great reasons tee hee hee and celebrated the new begining of my life in pyjamas with jager bombs

If life begins at 40 my life sure the heck did !! I'm so grateful for my whirlwind lifestyle, impulsiveness and sense of fun - all the crazy sh*t we did to create the best memories , pictures and vids of our madness, it makes me laugh on more subdued days.

A year later, what has changed ? Well aside from my physical appearance - I've never been bald on a birthday before lol ...my fast pace has slowed down and the relaxed pace of life I'm enjoying and not yearning for the spreading myself too thin that my lack of boundaries caused before. My sense of fun and mischief intact, so this year I've swapped my shot glasses of jagermeister for lactulose lol ...and sure maybe I'm swapping my up all nights dancing for a wee while but like Arnie I'll be back.

Life is good, I used to be a bit down around birthday's, my mum died 2 days before my birthday 7 years ago and for a while I lost the feel for celebration until I realised my mum would want me to live, to appreciate life and celebrate and so it was restored and I celebrated for her too. This year will be no exception and actually another real reason to celebrate- sure I'm midway through chemo but so what. Life is for living, making mad memories and good times. 4 months since diagnosis I've packed even more in the past months than before, why cry when you can laugh, why sit alone when you can share with friends. It's my birthday but I don;t need any gifts, I've already got them - my life , my wonderful kids and my amazing friends...here's to making more memories, laughing until your stomach hurts, the only tears of laughter and moans of delight - oh er someone is thinking birthday sex could be on the agenda ha ! LOL

So here's to my non alcoholic shots and savoury cake lol ...dancing in short bursts or sitting down, I'm partying hard chemo stylee this year ...and here's to many, many more when this journey is over ...now close your eyes and make a wish .......