That's what I am feeling right now.

2 minute read time.

Today, just up the street, was a cluster of neighbours talking on the sidewalk. The news is that one of our neighbour’s wife died of cancer yesterday. I didn’t really see her that often and I see him slowly walking his dog occasionally. His dog is an ancient, overweight, mild mannered Jack Russell. Unlike my boxer dog Kojak who is the opposite of mild. I saw him out once walking just as slowly and carefully with her too. She was wearing her chemo headscarf and looked thin and pale. I remember saying to my husband that I had seen our neighbour out walking and she has cancer too. That was just a few months ago. It really makes me sad. I did not really know them. But, I wish I had.

My husband has cancer. He is not going to get well. I couldn’t help thinking that one day, just up the street, there will be a cluster of neighbours talking about us.

When my husband was in the hospital and first diagnosed I feel like I went a little crazy. I went home and screamed and cried. My poor dog just lay down at my feet and wrapped his front paws around my ankles as though he was hugging me. I never knew what keening was until I heard anguished wails and realised that they were coming from me. That was just over a year ago. They had given him 6-9 months. He has beaten the odds and is still hanging in there.

I am so afraid, devastated, scared, and heartbroken. Not to mention exhausted, depressed, hysterical at times. The hysterical part is usually late at night, when I am alone and sobbing quietly. I don’t want my husband to hear me. He is so lovely. His biggest worry is that I will be taken care of when he is gone.

The reality hits me sometimes and takes my breath away. I feel like I don’t want to go on without him. There are also times when I feel sort of numb. I guess you have to be that way sometimes just to function and not go bonkers. Though at times I think I have become completely unhinged. I am so seriously tired and stressed out that I feel like my brain is made of cotton wool.

That’s what I am feeling right now.

Anonymous
  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    So glad you came to the Macmillian comunity site, for the reason that you will get so much support from all the lovely members here that are going or have gone thru all the feelings you are going thru.

    Here you can talk about your fears and people will know and understand. You are not alone.

    With Love And Hugs Lucylee. xxx

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    I can truly understand your feelings, as my sister is in the same situation as your husband. All the emotions yoiu have described I have felt, my sister and I are very close and live minutes from each other and if we don't see wach othere every day we talk on the phone.  I feel.  Liz was told three to four months  two and a half years ago,  I

    feel like I am going bonkers too sometimes, my poor husband thinks I have had a personality transplant,  Like lucylee said above, we are all one big  family on here and although we cannot change  what will happen, we can be here to support each other and help each othere through the  tough days.  

    (((((((((hugs))))))))))))

    Jo Mac

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hi

    I just wanted to say you are one brave lady. I am glad you found the site again like above we are a big family and we are all here for each other. My mother has Bowel Cancer has done for the past 18months I understand the tears and hysterics you go through, I dont let her see me cry. Remember if you can to take time for yourself. You are deffinately not alone!

    Take care of yourself, best wishes to your hubby.

    Tiggs Xx

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    I know exactly how you are feeling as I went through the same as you 8 years ago when my husband was diagnosed. We had 4 good years together and we made many wonderful memories to last a lifetime.

    Try to make what time you have together count. If your hubby is too ill to do alot then just sit together and hold his hand.

    Don't think about life without him, he is still here. there will be a lifetime for you to grieve. Try not to spend time grieving now whilst he is still here with you.

    It is not easy I know. I will be thinking about you both and wish you many more good memories together.

    Love Julie X

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Thanks to everyone for your kind words. This blog entry was my first posting on the site. I joined some time ago and I log on occasionally and read some of the blogs and posts. I finally got the courage up to just go ahead and write something.

    Becky

    x