The page in the book I never wanted to read.....

An update

Kellista — Thu, 05 Jul 2012 21:04:55 GMT

Evening all.

Its been a while since ive been on, and thought i best give an update to what has been happening.

Ill be honest and say since going back to work ive not had a lot of time to do anything. I work long hours over 4 days so that i can have 3 days off, so by the time i sit down im ready for my bed, which doesn't leave a lot of time to do anything.

Its probably the best medicine i could of hoped for as it keeps me very busy, and keeps my googling at bay.

From my last update, ive had 2 lots of chemo in total now. I am only receiving carboplatin, and think ive been pretty lucky with the side effects so far. Nothing really major just the odd niggle here and there which are all the be expected.

My results came back from the endoscopy as dysplasia but the upper GI people are not concerned with it so dont want to do anything else about that for now.

My mouth problems got better but then got worse with the treatment, so I still have no idea if the problems are an infection, bacerial or now just from the chemo! However I have been to see an ENT about my lump on my tonsil which he is not concerned about but he will give me a biopsy to put my mind at rest. Thats in August so a bit of a wait but his words will be repeated in my head daily that its nothing to worry about!

If you read my blog in the beginning of all this, you will also know i had pain under my right rib and gouged my poor liver for days wondering what it was, well i eventually went to the docs who thought it could be gall stones, but happy to report there is none, but i do have an enlarged gallbladder to which it could be from me passing a gallstone, but nothing sinister or nasty showed up so thats all good as far as i know.

In short its been a busy month with not a lot of spare time. But my life has moved on so much since my first diagnosis, and i can honestly say that the support that i received on here from all you lovely people who are also going to hell and back has been tremendous and so kind.Words could not describe how much comfort i received from you all, and i hope i can give some in return if i ever get to sit down enough to get on here.

Anyway i will just end, witha huge thank you and i hope everyone is doing as well as they can be.

much love

Kellista

1st day of chemo

Kellista — Thu, 31 May 2012 19:59:21 GMT

Well after a fbusy day at work, chemo day beings.

I am receiving Carboplatin only.

I in the chemo until for just under 2 hours, but wired up to the drop for about 45 mins only.

The nurses were lovely, the atmosphere was somewhat nice, not somber as you might think, and i came out of the whole experience feeling a lot more positive.

I know the chemo i am having mgiht not do anything as the mucinous carcinoma doesnt respond well, i know they think its from the gut, and im receiving ovarian chemo, but just knowing i am receiving something kinf of puts my mind at rest.

Feel quite well all things considered, no side effects, but im sure they will come at some point.

Ill keep this updated as time goes on, for myself and anyone whos interested or receiving this treatment.

I hope everyone is as well as can be expected.

Results are in and chemo starts tomorrow.................

Kellista — Wed, 30 May 2012 19:20:33 GMT

Hey all, Hope you are all as well as possibly can be.........

Its been a busy week, as you know I had an endoscopy last Wednesday and they biopsies a Polp they found.

As you all probably guessed by now im a worrier! I worry so much I scare myself sometimes!.

Anyway I had a brilliant weekend away for a friends hen weekend, which was fantastic, no poorly heads either which is a first, but was so nice to get away from it all and just be me.

Came home Sunday and had a bit of an emotional evening when i realised i was back to reality, but soon got over that, but found myself thinking about the results. Panicking to be honest that I had every cancer possible from my toes to my head, but im sure thats something i will go through for every test I have now.

Come Monday and i'm pretty sick of waiting and the other half is probably sick of listening to me whinging, so i decide to pester for my results.

Spoke to his secretary who said she would get back to me. The phone call didnt happen so i cashed her up on Tuesday to be told he was going to discuss things at a MDT meeting on Friday.

Well of course you only think the worst then, what the hell have they found!

So i pester and say im not happy i want to know whats going on and i want my chemo sorting as ive waited long enough.

NIce Mr consultant rang back, and explained the biopsies werw clear of cancer so thats a good thing, but they have found that the histology shows Displasia, and said he didnt really know what to do or what it was and thathe needs to speak to the gastro people on Friday.

Bank holiday coming up so chances are i wont know whats happening until Wednesday next week and then they might want to do another endoscopy etc..(i must of tempted fate when i said i would do it again with just throat spray).

Anyhow i explained my concern that i have this rare cancer that was cut up inside of me and that could be floating around in my body waiting to attach itself to something else. I ve had scans, ive had biopsies and they cant find anything. So i ask can i not just have the treatment for the cancer that you have found, ie its there, you cant find anything lets presume it is just ovarian and get on with it before it does spread.

So he agrees i can have the chemo next week.....Yipeee now feel like im getting somewhere.

Quick google on Displasia. Holy shit! Could turn to cancer, well thats not bloody good is it. What are they going to do with that!

So i get an emergency appointment today to discuss things as i basically said i feel very misinformed as have no idea whats been happening, very nice nurse makes the appointment.

Go down and oncologist still thinks its a gut cancer but of unknown origin, so bascially doesnt think chemo will do much good as this type of cancer doesnt really respond to it very well, but worth a shot!

Thanks for that, i think my day just gets better. But there is still no cancer that can be found in my body so god only knows where the bugger has come from.

Sign my life away on a bit of paper for chemo to start, and nice nurse fits me in tomorrow arghhhhhhhhhhh. so while nurse is making sure appointment is okay, all the side effects etc are checked with me again, and the i go off on a tangent all about poo! Oooops.

Told the poor doc how ive been on anti biotics and poo just hasnt been right so will be a blessing to have a bit of constipation after all that etc, went into far too much detail but carried away. Other half at this point is sat shaking his head in disgust at my ramblings, but i guess i was just getting things off my chest. Told him how i had bowel cancer, and then asked him to reassure me he did check my bowel! I think my oncologist now thinks i have lost the plot completely and never known anyone talk about poo so much as me in a rambling!

As we left with lots of information that ill be reading tonight, i asked the other half, that smile off him did mean he did check my bowel didnt he, its not that hes now off to make an appointment, but other half agrees, it was a smile of yes we checked it all now stop panicking.

Asked lots of questions about this displasia but hes a gyne oncologist bot gastro so couldnt really answer any questions, but did laugh at the fact that the only place left to stick a camera is up my backside, which he said it quite a possibility!

Ah well not like i have any dignity or shame left now, may as take whats left!

So in a nut shell, im still an Unknown Primary Cancer, which i really didnt want to be, but I am, and where the unknown is, its looking like is probably going to stay as unknown :( Not good really, but what the heck can you do eh!

So chemo starts tomorrow, going after work as they are only treating me with carbo which apparently is milder than lots and shouldnt get any hair loss, but will still get sickness etc,

Ill let you all know how i get on with it, and hope its not going to be too agressive.

Ill bid you all a good night as i have a lot of reading of information to do now.....

Goodnight

I was brave.....but could well now crumble!

Kellista — Wed, 23 May 2012 11:34:40 GMT

Afternoon all,

I hope you are enjoying the sun, its so lovely to see some nice weather at long last.

Its been a rollercoaster journey this week all very busy.

Went back to work on Monday, which wasnt at all as bad as i thought, in fact its quite nice to be back and regain some normallity.

Ive come accross the i want to know everything as well as the i dont want to know anything.

Thankfully there was no sympathy looks which I am so hapy about.

Although only back on mornings this week, i was shattered by Monday night and retreated early.

I was off today as I went for the endoscopy. I decided on being brave and went for the throat spray.

I can honestly say I know why people are sedated. It was horrid, probably not the worst thing ive ever had to endure but certainly not pleasant. Would i have the throat spray again, or sedation. I would probably still go with the throat spray.

Your probably wondering why when ive just said it was horrid. Well the reason being i walked out after 5 minutes while everyone else had to stay.

Unfortunatly wasnt the best result as they did find a spore of some sort on the entrance to my gullet, but the doctor said if it wasnt for my history he wouldnt worry about it, but sent off for biospies just in case.

Now i know these doctors say not to worry, but while laid there and someone else came in, i heard him saying things like more complicated than i thought etc............Im laid thinking holy smoke this aint good. As for not worrying, does anybody not worry, of course im gonna come home and bloody worry. I wanted you to tell me you found nothing!

Anyhow, i asked if that could be the issue with the pain under my rib to which he said no, and it probably is something like gallstones, but wait until treatment ends then get that sorted.

So i come away thinking crap! this aint good, they have found something, now i am telling myself in the same breath that he said if it wasnt for my history he wouldn't be concerned, but thats just it. I have cancer that was found in the ovary suspected from the gut, scan shown nothing, but now this has been found my my gut. OF COURSE IM GOING TO WORRY! ARGH!

So i leave there pretty proud of myself for managing it without sedation but can't help that little niggle thats just gonna worry me more and more until the results come back.

Went and did a bit of shopping, and honestly i can hope its from have the endoscopy done and having gas pumped into me, but crikey i bottom burped loudly right round that shop! ooops! Other half walked away in shame, and honestly by the end of it i couldnt help but giggle about it! .

Get home, shopping away, and off to check my poorly tonsil. Now the pain in my mouth has virtually gone, but my tonsil is still swollen, upon checking notice he has also taken a biopsy of this. OH crap. Im panicking even more now. I know hes just being thorough, but I had stopped owrrying about that and put it down to some sort of infection :(

So to round up! its been a good week, but crap day today argh!

Lots of worrying no doubt to come up, and then chemo to contend with as well. I think im about ready to scream.

I am supposed to be away this weekend for my best friends hen weekend, which honestly i didnt think i was going to make depending upon treatment. I had in my mind that i was going to have a good time, put all this behind me for a few days, but with this, i just don't know if i can. Think im going to have to find my even braver head and smile as much as possible as im determined to be there and not be miserable.

Ill update once the results are known!

Life must go on................

Kellista — Sun, 20 May 2012 19:26:18 GMT

Evening all.

Well its been a busy and unexpected weekend here...

For those who know i was at the doctors on Friday and managed to get a fit for work note. So as of tomorrow I am offically working again. She has signed me for a 2 week phased return, and i have agreed with my boss that 4 hours a day for the first week is fine, and then we will sort the second week. I was so excited to be going back and getting into some sort of normal routine, if for no other reason than to take my mind of everything and hopefully stop me worrying silly about every ache and pain that I have. However tonight has come, and i think its hit me, shit im going back tomorrow! I am so nervous, its like starting school for the first time all over again.

I know ill get loads of support from everyone at work, but just dreading it as its the first time ive seen them since January when I went off sick just to have an ovarian cyst removed.

I know ill be fine, and once the first week is out of the way i am sure it will be like ive never gone away......

While at the doctors i had her check my mouth as i have an enlarged tonsil and feel like i have a hair of something at the back of my throat, plus a gob that feels just awful.

She checked me out and sent me away with some penicillin, if for no other reason that to make sure im in tip top condition for chemo.

That has put my worrying the worst about that at bay thankfully, My mouth is starting to feel somewhat ok, now for the tonsil to go back down to size and ill be thankful.

I am a person who WAS never ill, and even when i was it was just a cold once a year, knocked me for maybe 2 days and then i was fine again.

Since having my op, it just seems like life is throwing all sorts of things at me, and laughably normally i would of just shrugged them off, but i guess getting a diagnosis of cancer makes us overly paranoid.

So its been an overly emotional few months, and i have a long road to go yet, but I am hoping it will keep on getting easier.

Reading my posts from the beginning they were so dark and to think it was not so long ago, and I am now accepting what has happened to me.

I still have the uncertainty that I have cancer else where, and my oncologist does nothing to take my fears away. Hopefully this endoscopy on Wednesday will show what the pain us under my rib. I am hoping worst case scenario its gall stones, they wip them out and thats another worry to bay.So i would like everyone to cross everything for Wednesday morning for me that there is nothing sinister lurking in my body that didnt show up on the pet /ct scan.

Once chemo starts, which will hopefully just be for ovarian, as no other cancer can be found. Then once finished which will be 18 weeks, as its one treatment every 3 weeks life can return to some sort of normallity.

Now 18 weeks seems so long, but yet not long enough. I think i would happily be zapped with something for life if it means that i never have to got through this again, or to have not ever had to go through this. It has certanly opened my eyes, and never again will I think 'that doctors appointment can wait until next week'.

This is an evil disease, that destroys too many lives, there is a lot known about the disease but yet just not enough, and i wonder if there will ever be enough knowledge about it.

I wonder if life can ever get back to normal, will i ever sleep though a full night again and not wake wondering. Will the first thought on my mind ever be life again, or will the word cancer be constantly imprinted on my mind.

I hope and even though not religious have probably done more praying that the religious lately that there is no further cancer in my body, that the chemo gets any floating bits and i never have to revisit the place i was in at the beginning of this journey.

On with happier things though, we recently bought a touring caravan, we love camping and having young kids they love it and its a cheap holiday! As the sun has ran away this year we thought we would never get away, so a touring van was the way forward. We purchased it last week and decided on thursday afternoon we would book the weekend away but not tell the kids. So we got everything ready, and after I had been to the docs we set off, telling the kids that dad was just practising to see if he could pull the van, or if he was no good at the towing. Well we were successful and once the kids finally realised they were in their element, very happy...although we did get a telling off for telling lies to them about us not going lol!!

So a fab weekend was had, we love the caravan, and can't wait to go away again and the sun came out to play which was a total bonus.

Lets hope for lots more weekends away soon and the sun is here to stay.

Free Knickers

Kellista — Thu, 17 May 2012 12:43:40 GMT

OK, so i know this isnt a blog update, but i love a bargain and being on no pay cant really afford anything.Plus i know getting a bargain or just treating myself can always make me feel better so want to spread some joy.

I am a following of the deal sites and today this one appeared and i just couldnt resist ordering some free knickers from Marks and Spencers

http://www.hotukdeals.com/vouchers/10-lingerie-voucher-no-minimum-spend-m-s-collect-store-1220416

Basically there is a code for £10 off any lingerie from Marks and Spencers and the bonus is you don't have to spend over a tenner, and can collect from store for free.

So thats enough hype about my bargain.

Just wanted to share it and if getting some free underwear brings a glimmer of a smile to someones face then some good has been done!

Going back to work.

Kellista — Thu, 17 May 2012 09:27:09 GMT

Morning all...

Having been off for most of this year poorly. My currect sick note ends at the end of this month, which will be right when treatment begins. (i say hopefully)

However i feel pretty good in my self so tomorrow i am at the doctors to see if she will sign me back on to work.

Work have been pretty good and have said that they are happy for me to go back, but I have to be assessed by their doctors to see if they will allow me to work through treatment, and if needs be they will be flexible if the chemo makes me ill and i can have time off, basically the company doc approving this will stop me getting sacked from so much sickness!!

I am eager to get back to work, mainly for my mental well being and money! I am now officaly receiving no pay having used my entitlement up, so times are going to be hard unless i go back.

Now as eager as I am to go back, i am pretty much dreading it. I am dreading the stares, the conversations and the sympathy votes off people. The people i work with directly are all lovely and have been very supportive,so I dont mind talking about it, but i guess its the unknown of what to expect when i go back if that makes sense. Then there is the people that don't know as i work for a large company, but do know i was having the op at the beginning of the year, thats a full story in itself.

I am hoping my doctor will say its all ok, and let me go back on a phased return. So fingers crossed for me.

My only concern is that I also have a medial issue so to speak! As you all know, I am overly paranoid about my health now as we all are after such a diagnosis. However as they are still making sure there is no other cancer and it didnt start else where this makes me more paranoid about every ache pain etc.

So here is my latest issue!!

My mouth feels god awful - as if i have burnt the top of it and my tounge. soft palette sore, and when investigated by me, there is a lump where my right tonsil is, its like a raised bump. Now im trying to be big and brave and think i just have a throat infection of somesort, but there is that niggle that it is something much more sinister. Plus my throat is just not sore!

I am clinging to the hope its just an infection of some sort as ive only noticed it this week, and i couldnt resist but google after i promised myself i wouldn't, and the chances of something in my throat being connected to ovary is slim i hope!!

Prior to all of this, i was never ill, hardly visited my doctor, and if i had a niggle i just passed it off as nothing.

i do wonder if life will ever get back to just having a bug, or if i am going to become a permanent fixture in my doctors office.

Endoscopy

Kellista — Wed, 16 May 2012 08:40:49 GMT

Morning all... I received my appointment for my endoscopy this morning and wanted some advice, the thought of swallowing the camera is horrific, and swayed with the sedation.. However got my info leaflet as well, now if I be a big brave girl it should last about 10 mins. However if I have sedation ill be there about 2 hours. 10 min procedure or hang around for 2 hours while sedation wears off. I'm swaying for the be a big brave girl and I'll be in and out in 10 mins. Not going to be nice, but I don't particularly like hanging around hospitals although I'm going to be doing a lot more of that than I would like to. Opinions wanted from anyone who has had an endoscopy before. how horrific is the procedure? Would you recommend sedation or being a big brave girl and just have a bit of local spray at the back of my throat? Much appreciated for any input as always. X

What next??

Kellista — Tue, 15 May 2012 13:00:55 GMT

So my mood last night was pretty doom and gloom after my not so better other half was an incensitive A&*%hole!!!

Anyhow all forgiven, and this morning i go off to the docs with him!!

He suffers from high blood pressure and is medicated for this. He is an absolute swine when it comes to him taking his medication and to be honest if he could get away with it, he plain and simply wouldnt, which he quite often does.Anyhow after all the comotion with me this year, once i was right i gave him a good sharp kick up the backside and basically said there is no room in this house for 2 people to be ill, so you best get those tablets taken! So he dutifully does and his blood pressure somewhere near stabilises. He had his bloods done last week, and due to him not taking his meds for so long, he has run out of one of his tablets. He went back today to get his pescription for this and the result of his blood tests.

Good news comes, your meds are fine, slap on the wrist get them took more often!!

Bad news - your blood results show an abnormality which could mean there is a possibility that you have live failure.

Holy flippin smoke!! what a smack in the face that one was too!

My other half doesn't drink very often, in fact it was over 3 weeks ago he last had a drink and then it was one night of drinking with his brother and that was about it!.. So the doctor says his liver could be in shock from this, and that they will need to do further tests. So he has another appointment to have further bloods done. So i can not hope and pray enough that it was something like this, and his next blood results come back fine.

I had to hold back the tears in the car. Could this year possibly get any flippin worse.

Cancer for me, liver failure for him. Those poor bloody kids, what a pair of parents they were given eh!!!

Anyhow got home and give myself a good kick up the bum, things will be fine, no matter what is thrown we will get through it and hopefully one day return to some sort of normallity if that is at all possible.

Cup of tea sorts everything out, cuddle and on with the day we go.

Next phone buzzes, with a text off my sister.

Bad news - our mother has lost the plot!!!

My mother has suffered from mental illness for a long time, that has gradually got worse, but as she wont admit she has a problem and is not deemed a risk to herself or others there is basically nothing in the world we can do! So here lies a problem, there are no safety nets of help in place for this for her.

What it is no body knows as apparently in her world its is everyone else who is ill not her and will not allow any help or tests to be performed.

So a call to the doctor for her has happened and we now await the call back as to what the heck to do!

So a pretty crappy day so far surely there can't be any more bad news this year!

So a decision has been made, we are just going to write 2012 off already as the biggest, crappest, most shit (excuse the french) year ever, and the next will be better!

It bloody better be anyway!!

Lost for words!

Kellista — Mon, 14 May 2012 19:44:48 GMT

Being someone who doesn't really share in person my feelings, thoughts and emotions, I always keep things more professional talking about the fact I have cancer, my other half has never been able to understand why I can't talk to him about certain thinkgs and why I won't share my emotions. all of my fmily are like this, it's just the way we are, we cry shout and scream in private, and brave face and smiles in public. Even with my closest loves ones I am the same. I guess it something we never did as we grew up so can't adapt. So kids tucked up in bed, and I give me 3 case scenario to my other half, which I thought stuff it we need to talk about it. hings might not be good, but on the other hand they could be good. So I give my options. Just ovarian, find a primary or find a different cancer. The response was like a big fat whack in the stomach. I was bialy acused of wanting to be Ill. Apparently my talking like this makes me sound like I want to be Ill. I was lost for words, the only response I could muster without screaming orncrying was, fine I won't talk to you about it. Now I appreciate, itmust be hard for him too, but I have sheltered him from all of my worst emotions, he has no idea how dark I felt in the first few weeks of this diagnosis but Jesus christ his insensitiveness tonight has really peeved me off. I have never been so glad of him going out to work. Apparently I can talk to him, but that's just how I sound, I shook my head with no words able to come out. I don't think he could be any farther from the truth, I wnt myself to be Ill. Holy shit, I would give anything just be able to go bak to how things were. To erase these past few months from my head and be able to move on without every single pain making me think the worst! Argh.......................rant over!!!!!!!

the saga continues.....

Kellista — Mon, 14 May 2012 14:10:07 GMT

After a reasonable thoutful, but pretty normal week, I am geared up ready for wednesday to betold my treatment plan andnthen the chemotherapy. however I guess my saga is not quite done yet, just as I think right it's rare but hey ho, just hope there is nothing skating around my body have the chemotherapy and then I'm done the phone rings........ My oncologist rings and tells me he is happy as are all the other oncologists just to have ovarian chemotherapy but he wants me to have an endoscopy first. He wants to rule out the pain in my side as being a primary tumor. He has sent an urgent referral for me which should delay the chemotherapy. I am happy that this is happening making sure all the I are dotted but I am beyond nervous at the thought of being Awake amid swallowing a camera. Guess I'll be asking for a Sedative to try and calm me. I plodded on this morning up until about an hour ago when the emotions hit me with a Smack in the face. Crap if they find something this makes my situation a whole lot worse. This takes me back to a primary with secondary cancer for sure rather than just having the ovarian. So now I'm playing the waiting game again and only hope the appointment comes back through quickly so not much waiting. guess what I'm still getting the bites too so I have taken it upon myself to spring clean the house, replace all duvets, flea the dog and scrub just about everything.... Let's hope it helps. I've also got a god awful mouth at the moment, i can only describe the feeling as I've burnt it, just hope it passes other wise that's going to involve more dreaded tests! Hope you are all as well as can be at the moment. X

The storm has passed.......or has it?

Kellista — Wed, 09 May 2012 22:33:48 GMT

ITS D DAY!! As we have been calling it in this house. The day of the results".............. 4am and awake..........my mind is playing over time........what if it's bad news? what if it's good news?.....What it's just ok? I'll let you lot decide. To me it's good, but the pessimist inside is screaming out............ My ovarian cancer with an unknown primary is now......... I have no idea but I'm going with just the ovarian. I now class myself as having a very rare ovarian cancer.A mutinous carcinoma of the ovary. My oncologist agreed to treat me for ovarian cancer, no active cancer and no abnormalities showing on the pet scan.....yipeeeeeeeee"............. but then comes the face of well.....this cancer is just not really found in the ovary but can be but I don't really know what to do with you............ Long discussion and it's agreed he will treat me for ovarian cancer. 6 lots of chemotherapy every 3 weeks. As there is no abnormalities he's pretty confident there is nothing else so hey ho I'm happy.... He will speak with the upper gi oncologists to see if they want to give me a cocktail of chemotherapy or just stick with gyn chemotherapy. I'll find out next week and hopefully start my treatment ASAP.... So I guess my view is this is the best possible result I could of asked for....... Just need to remember to ask next week if he classes me now as having this or still unknown primary....guess the excitement of yeah treatment made me forget everything I should of asked....lol X

The calm before the storm........

Kellista — Sun, 06 May 2012 09:03:37 GMT

Well it's been a busy week. My step daughter has now gone home, and I am no longer occupied 24/7. It's been a relatively normal week, intact if it wasn't for the fact my brain is ready is ready to explode I would think the last few months hasn't even happened. Since she was little my step daughter has always been like an extra arm. When ever I turn around she is there, if I sit, she sits, if I go to the loo she finds something to do upstairs until I finish peeing then we carry on talking etc... Her visit probably couldn't of come at a better time as I have had very little time to think of what ifs.......However it has been s love,y week, catching up and having lots of girlie time. My kids are very young, so most of the time with them is sent playing with dolls, running around but once bed time comes my mind is playing over time. This hasn't been able to happen this past week which I am grateful for, Yesterday the house was all quiet, even with my 3 terrors running around, they occupied themselves most of the day with little input from me. Their dad did some disaster baking, which thankfully tasted ok, but looked terrible. It did make us laugh though. I spent most of the day thinking how on earth are we going to manage financially, I go onto no pay soon. work have been amazing, sent a gift card round for the local supermarket to help with food etc and a spare hoover as they knew mine had broken and It just wasn't on the agenda to buy a new one. I felt totally overwhelmed with their kindness and thoughtfulness as this time. I have thought of selling everything and anything in my home, but to be honest what I'm willing to part with just ain't worth that much, so my other option is to go bak to work. I think I am going to have to go back, not only for a financial aspect but also to keep my mind working overtime. My current sick note is until the end of the month, but im thinking if possible I will be going back before this runs out. I am hoping once chemotherapy starts I can maybe go back part time?....or am I kidding myself?.... So the storm cloud is looming, and it's going to get to me on Wednesday. The dreaded results day..... If you have. Read previous posts you will know how bad I was waiting for these results and the emotional torment I put myself through. I self diagnosed myself with everything, I googled daily, and was in tears for 20 of the 24 hours in a day. I couldn't even look at my kids. My family pushed me into trying to get my results quicker, which I am so glad that I called the oncologist, as a 4 week wait from being told you have an unknown primary cancer is the worst experience I have encountered in my life.. In my early 30's the thought of death for me was not an option, but over night this turned into a very probable near future fate. My oncologist was on holiday so I spoke to his colleague who had a look at my pet/ct scan and said he could see no active cancer in my body, anywhere in the scan. I then asked the question of, would you leave this as an unknown primary or treat me for ovarian cancer, and his reply was ovarian, although he did say that he didn't examine the scan with a fine tooth comb, but from looking at it briefly this was his conclusion and my own oncologist will confirm and go over my results with me. O now the build up to the Soren commences, apparently I was not in a good place yesterday according to my better half. My mood pretty much Grumpy and miserable. My reply was what the he'll do you expect, D DAY is looming, Wednesday is going to set my future. My thoughts are now of, if this is early stages not advanced cancer they have left me for nearly 3 months with molecules of cancer floating around in my body wanting to attach themselves to something since my operation. If this is early stages what are my chances of not having a recurrence and that getting me..... I originally thought there wasn't a lot of cancer in my family as it turns out there is actually a hell of a lot, just wish my family had shared this information with me before hand. turns out ovarian and bast cancer is ripe within the family. I am going to be asking for the brca gene test on wednesday too with a family history chart, so here's hoping he agrees or at least sends me for routine checks of the breasts as well everywhere else. so here I am awaiting the storm, hoping it won't be bad and with any luck it may just fly over or die down before it hits. The weather man got it wrong and the sun will come out with a sparkly new hat on! X

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Kellista — Tue, 01 May 2012 21:44:51 GMT

Another busy week ahead. My stepdaughter is visiting so I don't have a lot of time free at the moment. I am being kept busy which is brilliant for keeping my mind of things, however I know the appointment for my result to be confirmed is getting closer and closer. I asked my gp if she thought a second opinion was appropriate and she thought not, she fee,s confident in the care I'll receive and until I get my results confirmed she doesn't really want ti address the idea. So is has been out on the back burner, however I did ask about being screened and having e gene test for breast cancer due to other family members being diagnosed with this and ovarian at such young ages. I have to speak to my oncologist about this so fingers crossed they will agree. My boss called me today about work, no pressure was put on me to return and lots of support offered. The way I feel this week I feel like I could go back to work, but feel there is little point until I know my treatment and how it is going to affect me. I hope if it isn't too bad I can go back even if part time. I found after being off so long, I am starting to stare at Walls, the housework is done, I am on half pay so no money to spend and getting more bored by the day which will result in my mind working overtime and google becoming my best friend again. I am going to keep resisting and thinking positive until I get my definitive results. I have come to appreciate every moment and force myself to do irrelevant things now as you just don't know what the future holds........still holding onto the hope that it is good news confirmed next week.... X

Busy busy busy......

Kellista — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 19:30:08 GMT

Well it's been a very busy weekend, I tend not to really come on the site at weekends due to the kids being at home and being ushered to play barbies! However this weekend it was my daughters birthday, in our house it's never just a birthday but always a birthday weekend. Friday was her actual birthday and she and loads of fun, being spoilt rotten. Family came to visit and my daughter had a fantastic time. Her party was Saturday so another very busy day entertaining lots of kids, and finally today more family came to visit including family I haven't seen for a long time, so it was lovely to see them all. I have to admit though I am now physically and emotionally exhausted from it all, and would love to have a lie in but that's not going to happen. I have been able to keep my emotions at bay all weekend, which has helped me be a lot more positive. I have pushed the whole cancer scenario to the back of my head, although I have to say I am somewhat confused and angry. My own oncologist gave me a diagnosis of secondary cancer with an unknown primary, his colleague who looked at the scans said he would just treat me for ovarian as he can see no active cancer on my scan. This will either be confirmed when I see him, or I could be told he wants it to remain. Unknown primary. I have been offered a second opinion already from the Royal Marsden who would like to see my scan results etc due to genealogy research that has been done on my family. my family are also pushing for a second opinion and I have to say I am heading there way too before I even get to see my own oncologist. The reason I am thinking this is, if I do only have ovarian cancer although rare for this cancer to be found there, my own oncologist happily gave me an horrendous diagnosis of unknown primary, and any google search is pretty bleak. He gave me this diagnosis and then went on holiday leaving me fretting and honestly scared out of my wits. If it is confirmed that it is only ovarian, I will be the happiest person alive as a bit of chemo and bobs your uncle hopefully I can turn to a happier page in my book, but I can't help but feel angry at the lack of support I received. I do think I may of read too much into it all, but the fact he actually told me this is called secondary with unknown primary, any google search will put someone at their wits end. so am I justified to be angry about this, the fact from being told this my next appointment was 4 weeks after? That's 4 weeks of thinking holy shit I could die in a year? I appreciate that this could still be my final diagnosis, but should he of said this before I even had a pet scan? could he not of said to me, we found cancer but now need to make sure there is no spread, or any other cancer in your body to ensure the correct treatment is given to you? I feel that this would of been a much less traumatic diagnosis until he knew from the scan exactly what I had...... my other question is, if I ask my oncologists secretary to pass on my scan results and pathology results, will they just do this, or am I going to have to jump through hoops to get this done. I obviously want my treatment to start ASAP with no delay but can't help thinking it would be nice for someone else to confirm any diagnosis of this nature. any thoughts would be warming?? X