dad passed away

i never expected to be writing this so soon, i thought i was coping quite well and that when it eventually happened i would be very well prepared, but i think i was only just coming to terms with the diagnosis, my special dad survived 3 months and 2 days since his gastroscopy (the day of diagnosis). on wednesday night i gave him some oral pain relief kissed him goodnight and told him i loved him, so did my older brother, we were staying with my mum and dad because he was so poorly, it was just like old times just the four of us. at 7am my mum woke us both up and said my dad had slept through the night but he had become quite agitated and clammy, the 3 of us sat holding his hands and played his favourite music whilst crying and talking to him, he was unconcious but very agitated as i'm a nurse i was able to nurse him at home and give him the appropriate pain relief injections and nursing care required. he passed away at 10.25 yesterday morning it was very peaceful. as a family we were very lucky we had managed to keep my dad at home (he hated hospitals with a passion). i am now just suffering the trauma i think every time i close my eyes all i can see is him dying in the chair, (my mum used to say to him you will die in that bloody reclining chair) and he did.i am longing to remember what he looked like before he became so poorly, i am trying to stay strong for my mum and if i bite my lip any more i am sure i will need sutures in it. throughout this 3 months i have had very rational thinking my dad was lucky enough to survive bowel cancer 7 years ago so we have had him around for that extra time, also all of you on here have kept me going with all your support and kind words, there are so many of you suffering and i send you all peace and hugs love tracy xx