HELLO ALL FROM SCOTLAND!!! Small update and a slight rant....
Well I haven't posted for a while. But it’s not because anything tragic has happened! So I will give you a quick update!
I have relocated finally to the Borders in Scotland. It’s beautiful up here and I am ridiculously happy with the GF. The training for my new job is super intense, but do far I have passed all my exams with 100% pass rate. A ratio I hope to keep up! The new store opens in October so I have a lot to get under my belt before the opening.
Dad is doing okish. They have had to changed his steroid dosage because the tumours are now pushing on parts of his brain, which were causing him to black out completely. Mum kept finding him in random places unconscious. Which is not a particularly clever thing. (Shed, Bath, Kitchen, you name it, he's dropped in it!) Also MacMillan have been round and Dad now has a super lift chair for him to be able to get up and down from the sofa without killing himself. And Grab rails have been installed as well. PLUS the insurance company has come through and paid out, which has helped Mum no end. This has taken some of the pressure off of her which is good. Laso Dad has picked out a Hospice and they have visited it. Dad seems to think its a good one. So that's another one off the tick list.
Massive barney took place between My Mum and I on route to Scotland. Unfortunately she decided to dump a load on my doorstep at the frigging service station!!!! Seems she feels I am abandoning her. And when I asked her why she was journeying with me to Scotland she replied that she was only there because Dad had wanted her to go. When I asked if she was there for me, she replied No. I'm only here because your father wanted it.
Now. Here is where it all got a little sticky. Mum happily and willingly moved from the outer edges of Dorset back to Poole to Nurse her father when he was poorly and he then subsequently passed away. She said that she lives her life to serve other people and that this is what makes her happy. I replied that I couldn't do that. Mainly because Dad had made me promise that I wouldn't put my life on hold.
So this left me in a quandary. I'd already promised Dad that I wouldn't give up my thirties. That I would grab life and live it. Then I've Mum telling me that I am abandoning her, and that she isn't happy that I'm moving away. So i asked her what she wanted me to do. What was I supposed to do? I almost, right then and there pulled the plug on the whole move. Because I only wanted to make her happy. But then I wouldn't be happy at all. And I'd just spent the last 7 years being miserable in a Marriage that I'd really gone into because everyone had told me how lucky I was to be married the (Ex) Husband, even though I knew deep down I was Gay. SO!!!!! I squashed the breaks on and basically said. WAIT A MINUTE!
Firstly I pointed out, Mum. How old were you when granddad got sick.
Well. My late 50's of course. You know this.
Mum. How old Am I?
31.
I rest my case.
I have chosen, rightly or wrongly, to honour my Dad's wishes, and life by L I V I N G.
By OWNING my life. I only have one. One shot. One run. One take. And in the words of a song lyric. I don't want to miss a thing. I can appreciate what my Mum is saying. And I understand what she is saying. I also pointed out that I have an older brother and couldn't understand why all the responsibility was falling to me. (Well I can, he couldn't bat his way out of a wet paper bag)
I can't figure out if this makes me the worst Daughter in the world or not. I can't figure out if what I am doing is abhorrently selfish. All I know is that in light of Dad being terminal, I suddenly realised that I wasn't living my life i was just existing. And my Dad was telling me that I was squandering a great gift. He couldn't care less if i was in love with a donkey. (I'm not, the GF is lovely!) As long as I was happy. He is totally taken with her, and since meeting her and the GF's Mum, MY Mum seems slightly less stabby with the knife and a bit more huggy with the cuddles. My Mum is amazing. I couldn't do what she has done in the past, and what she is doing now. I think she has the most amazing spirit, but is also, HANDS DOWN, THE most stubborn person I have ever met in my life. (I believe this is where i get my endurance from......) She won't except help, and Dad has said to me on the phone on MANY occasion that she is being a martyr. I've begged her to use MacMillian services for someone to talk to. As I am not a health care professional, and although she insists on using me as one, that I cannot give her the guidance she needs. I'm worried about her, but am at a loss on what to do.
So far, I've arranged for the ex-hub to visit and kicked my brothers arse into touch and got him to call Dad. Which results in the call from Mum to say, Oh your brother called Dad today, or such and such visited today. I feel like the proverbial puppet master in the background pulling the strings whilst the show goes on without anyone knowing who the director is.
To be honest. I think i just needed to get a few things off of my chest guys. Your always brilliant at sifting through my ramblings..........
I promise that I will be back with the funnies. I just needed to get the chaff off my chest because I'd not had the opportunity to.
Peace and Lovage to you all. And BIG HUGS xoxoxox
