Sleep, Sleep, merciful sleep, is keeping me company these nights it appears! Hurrah! *huggles sleep closer to her so it NEVER LEAVES again*
You know I believe I may have turned a corner! I think the recent storm has passed leaving me feeling much more in control of my own emotions/brain/body/movements/marbles again! I am not one for dramas. I had enough of that attending an all girls secondary school. *shudders* However for one who really loves a quiet life I appear to have become quite the magnet for them!
The problem is it turns me into some sort of raving lunatic. I've been a nightmare to be around and feel quite sheepish when looking back. (I know I know it’s been traumatic but you know!) Where I thought I was dealing well with it all, I can now clearly see I was merely flailing my arms around in a windmill like fashion. Where I thought there was an exterior of calm, there was, well the painting of scream. They say the five most stressful things are:-
1. Death/Terminal
2. Job Change
3. Marriage
4. Divorce
5. Personal Injury
Currently I have number 1, 2 and 4 going on. Plus moving house and relocating. I've broken the back of the packing, and I am now rounding the corner onto the home straight. I can see my goal in the distance and I am running like a lopsided gazelle towards it. I am absolutely desperate to sort out and stabilise one part of my life. Its like perpetually falling down the side of a cliff reaching out for purchase and merely slapping the cliff face.
I am about 7 days away from slamming a much needed anchor into the ground. And once that is done, I can then set about creating 'my' semblance of normality. I will have a chance to rest on my laurels slightly and gather myself. Don't get me wrong I like a 'bit' of variety. I love that life is chocca FULL of things to do and experiences to be had. I usually prefer that they don't arrive all at the same time........
I think the problem has been that I have been trying to process and 'do' the whole thing at once. I've been asking the wrong questions. I've been talking to no-one really. I've failed to call my friends and shout, OI! LITTLE HELP HERE PEOPLE. Which I really should do. All i successfully managed to do was alienate myself at a time where I really needed people. And pretty much make those nearest and dearest to me doubt not only my sanity, but intellect as well. And in some cases, doubt my personality!!! Which I was starting to have serious reservations about myself....... *raises eyebrow*
I forgot how I 'tick'. I forgot how I work. But mainly, I forgot about myself. Having been in a relationship for the last 7 years which has required me to be at the bottom of the heap, and having had the 'what would I like' squashed out of me, I am redefining the selfish in me. I used to be inherently selfish. But not in a nasty way. In a very very Apsie way. Like forgetting to ask if someone wants tea when I am making it. It was always a case of, 'Well it would be nice if.....'
Well Balls to it. I earn MY own money. It is now being paid into a separate account so its MY bloody money. I will therefore spend it as I see fit. I'd forgotten that I am actually GOOD with money. I am also bloody good at driving. After all this time I had actually forgotten that I pretty much rock on a scale that is epic and he can frigging well Naff of and sort his own life out. He was ever as good as he was because of me, he said. Too bloody right. I wasn't his wife, I was his bloody mother!!!!
*Steps gingerly off soap box*
Yes. I am Woman. Get out of my way I need biscuits...............
