Welcome to Ms Paranoid, and Mr crochettie. We've been expecting you....Pull up a seat, Miss Teary is already here. Apparently.... this is the world of stress.
Today we see the arrival of Paranoia and crochettie. Teary arrived this morning in the form of brushing my teeth, and then driving to work. Its terribly difficult to see when you're crying. Thanks to Ms Paranoid, I've managed to almost wreck a very good Boss Employee relationship, and I'm after shooting the GF as well as Mr Crochettie steps in to bat. I've been snappy, teary, paranoid and altogether an absolute pain in the arse today. I've been told I'm being shockingly hard on myself, and that I need to give myself room to breathe. If anyone knows how to do this could you let me know?!?!??
AND I've done something monumentally stupid. I've brought some Baccie.
NOW TO CLARIFY!!! I've not smoked it. And yes i know I am a weak crock of sh*t. I gave up with my Dad and have managed to stay smoke free for 1 year and 2 months. But HONESTLY i have the most HUMONGOUS cravings right now. The GF is a smoker. And I know that she struggled to try and quit, whilst I stayed quitted. And she is quite rightly shouting NOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo From bonny Scotland in a DAMN YOU shaking fist manner.
Its crazy stupid isn't it. He's dying of Lung cancer, and has secondary brain Cancer from the Lung Cancer which he got from Smoking. And I've brought Tobacco. Could someone examine me please, as I've obviously been hit upside the head with a shovel.
I can picture the scene in my head, and how good the ciggie could taste. But I know that I will be left light headed and feeling violently sick. Which is why I haven't actually smoked anything yet. Would I be so abhorrently awful if I caved? I know my Mum would practically throttle me. Yet my brother is still smoking and doesn't get yelled at. Ah, that's because I'm the prodigal daughter and therefore the one to be most perfected, honed and shiney.....
I don't know what it is. I don't know why its come back now. Well that's bollocks. Of course I bloody well know why its come hurtling back with a vengeance only a scorned woman would be jealous of. I obviously don't cave in until I am under EXTREME amounts of stress. And I finally believe that I am that much over-used, over-bandied about word..... S T R E S S E D. So, this is the part where I am supposed to ease off myself and coast a little more. To treat myself with kinder words and more tea. What I probably shouldn't be doing is smacking myself repeatedly for not being able to do everything.
So tonight I will carry on packing and Ignore the cleaning. Ex-Hub to be has told me numerous times that I should leave the crap for him to clear up, as I've been cleaning up behind him for too many years. The GF keeps telling me the reason for my total in ability to concentrate is because that as a control freak (which I am a little) everything is outside of my control which is exacerbating how I feel in the first place. (She's bloody clever this one. Its a tad irksome, but secretly, I love it.....Well, that's not so secret anymore really.)
I've wandered off the topic I think. You know what I want? I want to ability to stop conducting my relationship via skype and text messages. I guess really, I'm just missing my other half, a lot more today, than I do normally.
Oh My. This may mean I am human after all...............
