Haven't we been here before.....

5 minute read time.

Oh you know the part. With the crying and the wailing. And the floor. Ah yes the floor. It seems to become my friend at moments in need. Rushing up to greet me with open arms. Loving, warm, and MAY I add, bloody hard.

I am starting to think there is a real market for a floor made of cushions. Oh, no wait, I believe that is called a sofa...............

I have been fine all weekend. I have even enjoyed the freedom of driving to see whom I choose when I choose. THAT has been bloody marvellous! In fact I would go so far as to say, I had a lovely weekend. (Divorce, blah blah, freedom yedeyah) In fact, at some points, it was a HOOT! SO why, the floor? Well. When I got home I got this notion into my head to continue packing. (9 days and then I am in Scotland with Lovely one. C A N N O T wait). I pull out a box from yet another storage space, and it’s my Childhood box. I'm rummaging through it, and I come across a birthday card from Mum and Dad. 

Suddenly, before I even get a warning tremor, my breath ceases in my chest, and that feeling, I am starting to know a little too intimately sweeps over me like a force 9 gale.

To our darling daughter, Happy Birthday, Love Mum and Dad.

Oh holy crap buckets from hell. It slammed into me that next year, it will only be from Mum. That Christmas will only be from Mum. Forever. Always. End of the road Jack. And the reality of the situation sends my poor weaken knees sagging and me crashing to the floor in a chest heaving, in humane sounds wreck once again. By this point breathing is hard, and I don't know what to do with my hands. THEN even more strange I am laughing, although it sounds strangled, and then crying, and gasping, and.......... Well I think you all get the wonderful picture.

I texted a friend of mine, because I was desperate to talk to someone who knew. Who understood. And it’s not fair to have a pop, because she was probably busy. But she didn't text back. She lost a very very dear friend to cancer so has an inkling. I can't load this onto my GF because she lost her father 3 years ago to a stroke. And it was all very very upsetting and by the sounds of it, pretty traumatic. I don't want to drag her back down into the horrors, and with BOTH of us having Aspergers, well, I just want to keep her out of it, so that when the dust settles, I go home to an untainted, life. Something that isn't entangled in the now. It’s very precious to me this new future I am carving out for myself, and I guess, well. I guess I want to protect her from it. Shield her from it. Is this a terrible thing? I don't know. But in my head, it makes sense. PLUS she doesn't know my Dad at all, and will not, (sadly) have enough time to get to know him properly. 

Ex Hub on the other hand, has expressed a wish to be there, and he has know my Dad for 7 years. I've asked my closest friend to stand with me on the day. Because it would be weird for the ex to do that. Because, well it would be. 

Today was even weirder as well, because of the 'outing' of myself to my 85 year old Grandma, who brazenly said, Oh I knew about that ages ago and I can't say I'm surprised.......... To say my jaw hit the floor and skittered around for a while was to put it mildly.

Am I digressing? Oh wildly I imagine. Again par for the course it appears here. I am bone tired again. Mother Nature is visiting.... (Yes thank you for your IMMACULATE timing as usual) and I have to get up and work tomorrow. And to be fair, I think I will enjoy the distraction. 

Out of all of this, the one person I am worried about is my Mum. The MacMillan Nurse comes to visit tomorrow, the one that Dad has been assigned. And I have told Mum that they are there for her too. For all of us. I don't know what more I can do for her. She looks and sounds world weary. The slightest thing she does wrong sends her further downwards, no matter how small it is. In example, I take sugar in my tea. Only one. But when I said, 'Ooo could I put some sugar in' the fact that she had forgotten, I thought she was going to cry. 

Now. Here is where I am EPICALLY shit on a major level. And you will probably wonder how my GF and I manage to function, but I am RUBBISH with crying women. Absolutely hopeless. I don't know what to do. or say?!?!?!? And everyone is different. I need to be left alone. To get on with it. Unless I am proper broken and then a hug is fine. But I mean, like, soul destroying proper broken. If I am wound up or angry, Oooooo don't touch me. I get all skin crawly and punchy. 

Mum it seems needs hugs. And lots of them. A LOT of them. And the thing is I am not a shockingly tactile person. I can stand so much. and then I feel uncomfortable. I can tolerate small ones touches. Holding hands or arms touching. Feet shoved under thighs etc. But full on hugging for long periods of time sees my body tensing and my shoulders gravitating towards my ears. Weirdly, Mum is the only one who can hug me THROUGH this phase to the other side where my shoulders then make their journey bad downwards, and my Body relaxes. (I don't know if it’s just because she's stubborn and just holds on through it.....)

I fail though; it appears to be able to do the same for her. I don't feel that what I give is enough. I feel like I fail. And I feel like a dud. I want SO desperately to help her, to heal her. To take the pain away so so so so much that its killing me more I think to watch her going through this and knowing that I am about as much help as a male stripper gram at a lesbian coming out party.

John said to me, is it worse to be the patient, or the carer. I also think there is another role here.

Is it worse to be the patient, the carer, or the daughter, watching the whole thing play out..........

In all honesty I don't know. But I am already tired of the roller coaster, and it’s only just begun...............

Anonymous
  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    I felt moved to say something when I read your blog.  I know that it's unlikely that anything a stranger can say would make you feel better, but your honesty in describing your feelings in your blog is something that you should be proud off.  It shows how much you love your parents, even if you do feel powerless and unable to 'make it all better'.

    I watched both my parents die of cancer and both times, didn't cope terribly well.  There's no 'right way' of getting through this stuff.

    My mum died in the morning, while waiting for the ambulance to take her to the hospice.  I was at work, though I'd been to see her the night before.  I had felt useless and was worried about my dad who seemed to be having to cope with so much on his own.  It took me nearly 10 years after her death to be able to say the words 'my mum' without weeping.

    None of us know how this stuff is going to play out, but it never seems to happen the way we expect.  All I wanted to say was, however you get through it, that's what's right for you.  

    Thinking of you

    Ann x

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hi Vampi,

    You are going through a lot of things that most of us wont see in a lifetime. Writing your blog must have broke your heart in so many pieces,the pain,the past the future.

    I only wish there was some way I could help to ease that pain but I cant.  Just look after eachother.

    Take care and be safe Sarsfield.x

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hello Vampi

    Its such a rocky road we travel and right now in my life I am a carer for my David, 20yrs ago I was the daughter of wonderful parents one of whom lived for 2 1/2 weeks after diagnosis. Devastating time for my mum, my kids and me. My dad was my hero, my world x

    As a family we do lots of cuddles, massive hugs and I never want to let go of them, tell each other all the time "i love you".

    As you rightly say we all deal with things in our own way, and Im sure your mum understands you by now so dont feel too bad for not being a cuddley person, a squeeze of her hand or an unprompted kiss, even a smile will let her know what you mean.

    I can see by reading your post how much they mean to you so just carry on being that loving daughter they know,

    Love to you all

    Shaz (((((XXX)))))

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hi Vampi,

    I know exactly what you're feeling because I've been there too and it's awful. My dad died of lung cancer on 27th May this year, 8 weeks after diagnosis. It was my wedding anniversary on the 15th July and mum put 'love from mum and dad' on the card because she couldn't face just putting it from her. I liked that. It felt like he was still here a little bit, like he'd not been cut out of things. I'm like you, I'm abysmal with crying women and people in distress, I just kind of stare at my feet and make awkward noises, all the while hoping someone more capable will suddenly turn up! I know it's awful at the moment, the idea of them not being there is horrendous, too large to contemplate but you will get through it. It'll be hard and you'll cry a lot more before things get better but you will get by, one day at a time, with strength you never realised you had. And in the meantime, feel free to lean on all of us on the Mac boards, it's what we're here for!

    All the best, thinking of you, Vikki xxx

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    You lot are amazing. Honestly. Its like finding Family.

    Vic, thank you for fessin up that your a bit crap too! I feel better weirdly!! I wish i had a really good version of me to deploy at times like that!! The super duper version who knows what to say and how to say it!!! and WHAT to do! LOL. :-)

    Ann and Shaz, Thank you for the Hugs and the support. It does mean a lot. I am just gonna do what I am good at. Because, tis the only thing we can do right? *Hugs*

    Sarge - *hugs* And really the blogging does help.