feeling small

2 minute read time.

Oh dear, how I need a hug right now. A big, squashy one from somebody who loves me and understands.

Well, obviously that's not going to happen in the 3D world! Husband has gone out to the pub with his mate to watch football and will go on a long walk with him and Wee Dug for most of tomorrow. My kids choose not to have anything to do with their grandfather's anniversary, the inlaws and stepkids have nothing to do with it, just like this time last year. That sounds mean and bitter: maybe I am. I remember last year how my sisters-in-law made no contact with me and how two colleagues were extremely kind and supportive and what a huge difference that made to me.

Last year I was staying with my mother to support her and upped my pills to cope since I knew I would be worse than useless to her if I fell apart. I'm still on the same dosage a year later and am finding basci existence quite tough at times, despite all the many, many blessings I have (health, husband, kids, stepkids, stepgrandkids, Wee Dug, all of that). I have so much to be thankful for especially when I think of those with lifethreatening illnesses and those going through the agony of bereavement.

I suppose depression is an illness too and it makes me confused and illogical.

I am having a bit of a wallow tonight and (unusually for me in my medicated state) a good cry. I had a bit of an epiphany too: the people I trust most and on whom I fell I can rely, are my mac family: all strangers, all unmet. I don't have a circle of friends, a support group. There are those2 colleagues, but they're not *there* all the time. Really, when it comes down to it, there's me, and then there's everybody else. I am good at smiling and being cheerful and helpful and looking like a *normal* person, so I suppose nobody feels the need to be comforting since I don't look like I need it.

My mother is still crushed by grief and still won't seek any help: no counselling, no drugs, nothing except phoning here to express her misery. It sounds horribly selfish but I can't really cope with her any more. When the phone rings I wait for someone else to answer. Husband (she likes him, he hasn't proved himself a disappointment to her yet) is going to stay with her next week for a couple of days to do jobs for her. Talking to her is very hard: actually, she does all the talking and I try to listen. At no point in the last year has she asked me how I'm doing...

I'm tired of being taken for granted by pretty much everybody I know, loved one and otherwise. Tonight I am microscopically small, insignificant and very lonely.

Thank God for mac.

Anonymous
  • You are not tiny to me! You are hugely wonderful and supportive and gorgeous and kind and fun, and when you are lonely and sad I want to hug you , so I am sending you huge cwtchs across the miles, and letting you know that you mean a lot to me and I appreciate you loads... and I will poke in the eye all the inconsiderate barstewards who have forgotten how much YOU need sometimes!

    So I will sit with you, open up some wine and choklit, and hold hands and tell silly stories, and shut up when you want to rant ;)

    Lots of Love and Hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Emz, bless you for that and much love x

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hi minima

    Oh my heart goes out to you. Your feelings are your feelings and every bit as important and as real as what everyone else on the site is going through. Don't put yourself down or give yourself a hard time. No need to tell yourself off for still using the medication you need, either. If you need them, you need them. That's all. 

    Life is tough, unfair and if we are kind and thoughtful and care for others (as you do), then it really is just putting one foot in front of the other. And that's all we can do at times, 

    When my Dad died, my Mum was a mess for ages and so wrapped in her own grief, she couldn't allow me to have too many feelings. It is very very difficult to deal with that. She will get better. She will find her own way through her own grief and it is important you look after yourself. (Do you ever talk to any of the Mac counsellors? They are brilliant. They have helped me a lot in the past.)

    I have learnt that the aliens (the people who have no experience of what we have been through) really can't always help. It's not their fault. They just don't know how and sometimes we have to tell them how to help.

    In the meantime, know that you are not insignificant. Of course you are not. And you are not small either. You have done so much over the last year. And  (most important) and.... you are not alone. We out here are all ready to stand by you and listen........

    Three huge breaths..........

    Do something you like doing. Give yourself a treat. You deserve it. We all do.

    Huge hug,

    Little Jen X

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Dear Minima,

    I've tried writing wise words to comfort you, but others have done it better

    Depression is a terrible illness which makes you feel small, but take it from all your friends here that to us you are very tall. We are all here for you when you need us, as you have been for us when we have needed it.

    So here are some more big hugs and a big thankyou for all the help you have given us all.

    Odin xxx

     

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hey there, I could see you there standing out in the crowd. A very significant person in helping me through this minefield.

    When I read what you're going through with your mother, it makes me kind of appreciate the blessing that mine passed within 9 days of each other.

    Big squashy hugs for the weekend xo