The halfway mark!

3 minute read time.

My compulsion to write about every inch of my not so exciting existence has waned somewhat since I re-discovered what it's like to sleep, and boy can I sleep right now! Today was the first day I managed to stay awake, just about, for a full day.

I'm sure this new found desire to sleep all the bloody time is in part due to the joys of radiotherapy but in part I think I'm just so thrilled that I'm nolonger being disturbed by such violent dreams, that I feel like I ought to grasp the opportunity and sleep the hell out of it in case it escapes from my reach again. I am still exhausted, I could literally (and I don't mean figuratively) sleep all day, get up to check I'm still intact limb-wise and then happily go back to sleep like I'd just completed a marathon in record time. It's a newly acquired skill but it's impressive!

So what's new? Not a lot to be honest, unless you want a lengthy description of life's view from a ginger with her face planted in the sofa. No? It's no classic in the making to be truthful. I realised yesterday that my radiologist is far too attractive for his own good which is somewhat distracting when he's strapping you down with your arms behind your back to secure you ready for the good ol' dose of radiotherapy. I found myself wondering how often cancer patients hit on him from their position on the bed. Sure, you'd think all this dodgey cell malarky would be more than enough to worry about but since I've started sleeping again the curiosity in me is re-emerging. I joked today to my lovely friend teapot that he'd soon be wishing for the horribly depressing over-stressed version of myself to come back now that I'm back upto full questioning order. Apparently he didn't agree with this assessment but we'll see how he goes in a few months when I'm still looking so irritatingly cheerful!

Bizarrely I'm no less concerned by the whole future aspect with a diagnosis of something that probably isn't terribly serious, but isn't likely to ever go away either but I am far less preoccupied by it now I'm getting a solid 16 hours plus of sleep every day. The cats are loving their portable breathing sofa!

I mentioned the continued sickness and dizziness after radiotherapy sessions and was told that couldn't be the radiotherapy. I said I thought it was a miraculous coincidence then since it'd only happened since radiotherapy started and only lasts for a couple of hours after the lovely machine does the funky zappy thing. The other thing that occurred to me today was that the machine sounds worryingly like my fridge. It makes the same reassuring hum and bubbles like it's brewing something inside the hard shell. I'm guessing popping my arm in the back of the fridge wouldn't have the same cancer-killing abilities though.

Our car has died a death and Hairy seems as upset about this as he did when he found out about the NHL diagnosis. In all fairness, he does really love that car! He proudly presented it to me over 2 years ago and proclaimed 'look in that boot Lottie! I could fit two of you in there!' I've only accused him of trying to murder me twice to his credit! Hairy's happiness and relaxation was relatively short lived but I think he's just feeling dragged down by his perceived catalogue of disasters in life. I've tried to cheer his not so little face up, reminding him that there will be other cars; I'm not dying; we can always earn more money; we can always go on the trips or do the things we're missing later. He smiles sweetly at me but I can see the sad little boy in his eyes all the same. He's not terribly good at hiding his emotions, but then again that's why we work out well. He does the feelings and the fixing and I do the practicalities, the sarcasm and the money! What more could you want?

I'm pleased I've reached the half way mark of radiotherapy. The team are awesome and an incredibly optimistic bunch given their line of work but I am rather looking forward to getting back to real life and rewinding my head to 5 months ago before all this madness that commenced.

Unsurprisingly I'm back off to bed again but I'm pleased that the despair has lifted a little. Long may it continue.

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