I guess finally finishing work was inevitably going to lead to some pretty unappealing emotions but I didn't expect it to start as soon as I left the building on Friday night. It's been a really tough weekend so far. The stone fell out of my engagement ring on Friday night and I couldn't find it. Normally I'd be beside myself for something that meant so much to me but it seems in the fog of cancer and all that goes with it, material things seem pretty incidental.
Yesterday two things happened. My washing machine and I got into an a terrible argument because it refused to relinquish control of some washing it had kindly cleaned for me. I've only had it 2 years so I was very angry with it for being so rude at such an inconvenient time. The slightly more concerning thing that happened was that I realised the lump I thought I found on Friday night was still there on Saturday and whilst I have no idea whether it's meant to be there or not it hurts and not just when I think about it so it's not an imagined symptom. If I'm honest I've been aware of something for a few weeks at least but I kept thinking I was just imagining it. Nothing really dodgy. I can't actually see anything and I'm guessing it's attached to my voice box. Unless a voice box can become inflamed?! God I hope it's just something normal. I have a nasty feeling if it is cancer I'll have put myself on the fast track for chemotherapy. I don't want to be weak and a drama queen but I am really scared and confused, especially because I didn't feel ill. How has this happened? It's just so completely pointlessly unnecessary and random. I don't like it I tell you! If it had been growing on my skin I'd probably have freaked out less but this thing is at the front of my throat. I'm not suggesting it's cancer but it's definitely something and basically anything I find at the moment scares the hell out of me. I'm getting marked up on Tuesday with my oncologist and radiologist so maybe I'll point my neck at her then and ask her to tell me if she thinks it's a worry. I contemplated going to the walk in centre or A&E really briefly then decided that it's a weekend and it's not really an emergency so maybe a grip must be found, held and kept hold of before this ginger loses it.
I haven't been brave enough to say the words out loud to anyone about this whizzing around my head because, like we all know by now, I'm not good at voicing fear. Needless to say though, I've been a big mess of tears and emotion the last few days. I've not seen much of Hairy since he's been busy being useful and manly and so being on my own has allowed the black void of horrible thoughts to creep in. I've not even been brave enough to confront what it is that I'm afraid of yet, which might sound odd but I'm still trying to distract myself so instead I feel the rise of fear, get upset or have a panic attack and then try to continue distracting myself. I keep thinking I ought to set aside some time to really deal with it but as stupid as it sounds, I'm a little worried that if I let myself go there I won't know how to get out. You probably can't distract yourself forever without leaving yourself with a complex though. Neither are appealing.
At the moment my fears are still coming out in graphic and hideous nightmares. There's an increasing amount of violence in them, though they continue to be entirely ridiculous scenarios because apparently I don't know how to have a normal nightmare! On Friday night I dreamt about this guy. We're no longer friends so there's no point me giving him a silly name. Anyway, his name is Ren. In real life we used to be really close then one day he stopped talking to me and cut me out completely. I'm still to work out what I'd done wrong but when I went to see my lovely 'Elephant in the Room' friend, who really is lovely...we'll call her Jam. Anyway, I was over at Jam's and she claimed he'd stopped talking to me all that time ago because he had a crush on me. Just FYI people - what the actual christ is that as a reason?! I'm not saying she's right because frankly I failed to see this in our friendship and whilst I know I'm flirt-resistant in virtually every way because it honestly never occurs to me that someone might find me attractive unless they stick their tongue down my throat, it obviously angered. If you care about someone that much you surely don't just disappear out of their life without explanation? He and I lived together and not once did he try to do anything dodgy. We were just really great friends and we did loads together and then I met Hairy and he got angry and 'poof' he was gone.
People, life is too short. If that is actually the reason, he needs to get a grip too. If you find someone attractive just bloody well tell them! We're not in a soap opera. Not all women are playing games. Perhaps, if she's spending lots of time with you and thinks you're awesome and you like her you should just TELL HER. Honestly, people drive me crazy. I'm not good with subtext!
Anyway sorry, I've become distracted from my terribly nightmares by my anger at the notion that a person who apparently loves you would just disappear for no reason. Surely if you cared that much you'd stick around. Grrrr...
Yes anyway, so I was with Jam and she was telling me Ren now lived around the corner and told me the whole 'oh yeah he stopped talking to you because he fancied you' and apparently everyone thought I knew. Clearly not! Anyhoo, that night I dreamt that I was trying to make a cat out of cotton wool (I've started trying to convince Hairy to let me have cats because I want fur babies thank you, please and quite honestly there ought to be an upside to cancer somewhere). The cat wasn't really willing to get into the shape I was going for and I tried to pull it but I tripped and fell into a massive dark hole. Ren was there and I called out for him to grab my hand but he was angry, his eyes were like two big balls of fire and he said he wouldn't help me because my hair was rope and I'd live. My hair isn't rope though! Thankfully the cat turned into a cloud and I survived but I was so angry that he'd refused to help me that I went after Ren. When I found him he'd turned into a giant viking hybrid so the giant horn hat was part of him rather than a hat. I was screaming at him for allowing me to die and he got mad and impaled me on his horns. It really hurt. I couldn't get off and he told me I'd just have to stay there and suffer forever.
Incidentally, I sent him a message yesterday (not mentioning the whole, how dare you abandon me reasons) and apparently he still isn't keen to be friends again. Can you write up a guest list for your funeral? Seriously, if you can't be bothered to talk to me while I'm alive you're sure as hell not welcome to cry at my funeral about how awesome I was (because everyone is awesome in death). We'll just set aside a pen for all the Nebby Noras and failed friends.
Last night dream wise was no better. I dreamt I was going on a course but it was located in the Estate Agents I used to work in but in the location my hair dressers was in when I was really little. For some reason it started out OK but then we were all in a raging sea and because two of the people who were also standing on the raft with me were getting married and it upset one of the other's who apparently was the ex of them, they jumped into the freezing water so I went after them. I thought we'd die. We did get out eventually but then we were in a massive auditorium and we were bring told to put on swimming costumes and tinsel because it was nearly Christmas and we were being forced to put on a pole dancing show despite the fact I've never pole danced and I didn't want to do it. I had tights on for some reason. There were clowns there and half their faces were ripped away. I managed to get out but then I was in a game show and we were being pushed around a supermarket to collect points. For some reason I was representing Greece. We got to the check out but the coins I was collecting to help win the game were disappearing down the hole on the travelator thing and then they turned into chocolate. The eggs smashed and I figured I'd lost so I would have to get out. I managed to run down a ramp that turned into a slide and game out into a pool but then a Greek man turned up on a jet ski and tried to chop my head off. I started shouting abuse at him and I was surrounded by a group of people, all with guns but I had nothing to defend myself with. I closed my eyes in the dream and suddenly I was back at work on the 7th floor sat at a computer with several other people but the lights were out and it was dark. A massive storm was going on and every time the lightening flashed the entire room lit up and people screamed. They were saying the building would fall down but we couldn't escape because there were monsters on the stairwells and the lifts were out of order.
Needless to say I've had very little sleep as seems to be the new normal and I can't imagine that's helping my emotional state. I am aware I'm a bit needy at the moment because I'm just so stressed. My friend Jam took hold of my hand on Friday night while we were watching Beauty and the Beast (which is a far more disturbing film when you watch it as an adult) and I just didn't let go. I'm starting to see how people regress when they're mentally not 100%.
Can I have a new brain please?
