My haematologist is definitely NOT Santa Claus, he's entirely beardless, but the fact I was so tired I could barely function or form proper sentences at work then returned home and realised tomorrow I'd see him and *bing* wide awake!
It seems super wrong that I'm almost looking forward to seeing him, waving the new lumps at him and asking if I'll get radiotherapy now or whether he says I have to go on the active watch and wait list. I completely understand that the list is for your own good and to put off treatment for as long as possible because the more often you have it, the bigger the chance of it returning but I just want him to say it's OK for me to have the radiotherapy now. I want a break from lumpy bumpy arm syndrome. I'll go with his advice but I feel a bit like I'm in Invasion of the Body Snatchers these days. I look identical to the person I was before but there's something else inhabiting my being now and another control in place of my thinking. I don't feel the same. I'm positive cancer didn't turn my real body to ash so there's a bright side but I would like a rest from 'cancer Lottie'.
I'm sure she probably will be here to stay but perhaps if she's clear of lymphoma for a while the alien in her place might let some of the original come out to play. They say you're never cured, you just have varying lengths of remission and this disease got me a lifetime membership to the haematology clinic so maybe I'll need to accept her.
I think more than anything I'd like a rest from all the poking! Tests are necessary but blimey doesn't it drag! With more amazing timing I had to have a smear last week too. Apparently I have a text book cervix - what a compliment eh! Not an ideal place to keep your 'best side' but it's nice to hear part of my body is excelling if only because it's managed to form in a straight line. I've got everything crossed they don't come back and find anything suspect. If they tell me I've got HPV as well as lymphoma I'll be making a formal complaint to my body for its complete lack of service and multiple technical issues. Sure at 26 I'm well out of warranty but seriously, a lifetime guarantee ought to be lasting significantly longer!
Today I was also thinking about our wedding. We haven't really had any time to think about planning it; the engagement coincided unhelpfully with the diagnosis but we are finally trying to make steps. I'm still keen to put off the wedding until the year after next but perhaps this is foolish. The cancer might have formed new tumours by then and it just gives it more control over our lives. We are off to a wedding show on Thursday so hopefully that'll spark some excitement!
Anyway, I'm off to hug HP and call him a badger while I try to get an early night. Last night failed (mainly because I dreamt my grandmother was jealous of the time I spent with my grandad so she poisoned us both and I was told I was about an hour behind him so I could see my death coming). Cheerful my dreams are not right now! Just as well I am a smiley really! No panic attacks since Sunday though. Major result!
