Moods and emotions when you're caring for someone with cancer

7 minute read time.

The information in this post is written by carers and is about moods and emotions. It covers some of the feelings you might have as a carer of someone with cancer, and the emotions that the person you're caring for might feel.Image of the Hello, and how are you? booklet

This advice has been written by other carers of people with cancer and has been taken from our booklet Hello, and how are you? A guide for carers, by carers.

You can download the full booklet and find out more about how Macmillan can help carers. You can also join our carers group to connect with other carers and to share support and advice.

 

Moods and emotions

‘There were hard times, happy times and hopeful times. Looking back, it was a privilege to have had that year caring for Edward and I wouldn’t have missed it for anything.’

 Sylvia

 

The areas covered are:

  • Patient’s depression
  • Carer’s depression/anxiety
  • Remaining positive
  • Guilt
  • Feeling isolated
  • Fear
  • Anger and frustration
  • Carer’s tiredness/exhaustion
  • Denial

 

You have them too – and they matter! As a carer you are likely to be very aware of the feelings and emotions the person you are caring for is experiencing. The rest of the family and your friends will be thinking about this too.

But it isn’t only the patient who has feelings. People may forget to ask how you are feeling; but your feelings are important and you shouldn’t assume that you must always put them to one side.

There’s no need to apologise or feel guilty that you have strong emotions or moods yourself. It’s only natural, and it’s important that you find ways to express them sometimes, and to find the support and space that you need for yourself.

In this section, we’ve put together some ideas about coping with some of the feelings you and the person you are caring for may come up against.

 

Patient’s depression

If you are concerned that the patient is depressed, tell a health professional and consider suggesting counselling.

There are things that can help to lift the patient’s spirits, such as relaxation techniques, mood music, books or audio books, having a television in the bedroom, etc.

Visitors can also help to lift the patient’s spirits, or you could encourage the person you are caring for to talk to other people in a similar situation.

Many people find that complementary therapies such as reflexology, massage or aromatherapy can be helpful.

If the patient is experiencing panic attacks it can be helpful to keep a supply of paper bags nearby. Breathing into a paper bag can slow down their breathing and help them feel better.

Take time to sit together as a family and talk about your favourite memories. Remember that you’re not the cause of the depression or anxiety.

 

Carer’s depression/anxiety

Don’t be afraid of your own emotions – this is a very difficult time and strong and confusing emotions are not unusual. Ask for support whenever you need it.

Take some time out from caring. There is usually help available so the patient isn’t left alone while you recharge.

Ask a good friend to listen to your worries and concerns. Also talk to the person you are caring for about how you are feeling. They may be able to offer you support and may be glad to be asked. Consider speaking to a counsellor too.

Take time out with your friends to relax. Gentle exercise, something like a 10-minute walk, can also help to improve symptoms of depression and anxiety.

Spend some time alone relaxing – take a candle-lit bath, listen to some of your favourite music, treat yourself to some of your favourite foods, etc.

 

Remaining positive

Try to keep in mind that you are only human and that your best is good enough.

Trying to get the most out of your day personally can help you to remain positive. If you have any spare time to yourself, think about what will give you a boost. It might just be reading a newspaper and having a cup of tea.

Try some activities that divert from the situation. For example, we found it useful to try to carry on with our hobbies and interests where possible.

Continuing to work, if you can, may be a good distraction or release, and it can provide a sense of continuity in your life.

Talking about good times with the patient and not worrying about your current situation can help to lift spirits.

Feel good that you have made a difference to the person you are caring for. Remember that you are doing something very positive by helping to reduce their stress and pain.

At the end of each day try to remember something good you and the patient did together or something that made you both laugh.

Using your experience of cancer to improve services for carers and patients can help you feel more positive. You can find out more about all of the ways you can get involved with Macmillan.

 

Guilt

Feelings of guilt are a common reaction. Don’t worry if you or the person you are caring for experience these feelings. If you can, try to share your feelings with your family and friends.

Remember, whatever you feel able to do is enough. Try not to feel guilty about having time to yourself – it’s very important and can help you to be a better carer.

 

Feeling isolated

Try to share your worries with the person you are caring for. Touch and cuddle the patient – a loving touch can work wonders.

Sometimes you may have trouble communicating with the patient but talking to a professional may help.

You could speak to other people affected by cancer on a discussion forum on the internet. You could start by having a look at Macmillan's carers group on this Community.

 

Fear

Try to understand what it is you are afraid of. We fear the unknown most of all, so the more you can learn about what frightens you, the easier it will be to deal with your situation.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Knowing the facts will often help alleviate fear. Religious and spiritual leaders may be a good source of support and comfort to you.

 

Anger and frustration

You may not experience anger, but don’t worry if you do find yourself feeling this way as it’s a common reaction. It’s really important to express your feelings as they arise as they may intensify if you try to suppress them.

If you do feel angry, a hobby or a sport where you can release your anger and frustrations may help. You may find it helpful to speak to a friend, counsellor or someone at a support group about the anger you are feeling.

When you are feeling angry or resentful of your situation, it maybe helpful to write things down. Even with members of your family and close friends, it is difficult to fully express how you are feeling.

Patients can sometimes take their anger out on people closest to them. Try not to feel responsible for their emotional turmoil.

Some cancers can affect a patient’s personality, eg lead to them having sudden fits of anger. Speak to a health professional about whether the person you are caring for may be affected in this way.

 

Carer’s tiredness/exhaustion

Rest whenever you can. Power naps can help to revive you. Relaxation is invaluable. Try a relaxation tape – an hour or so in a state of deep relaxation can make you feel as if you’ve had a long sleep.

It is important to look after yourself by eating extra fruit and vegetables and keeping up your fitness.

Consider having a flu jab. Carers are automatically entitled to one for free. Ask your GP about getting one. Also, don’t neglect your own health – if you get ill, see your doctor as soon as you can.

 

Denial

In our experience, denying a cancer diagnosis is a normal reaction. However, avoiding the reality of a situation can stop people from doing things that they need to do, like going for treatment or sorting out any money problems.

Denial is not just something the patient may experience, it can also affect you and your family and friends too. If you are in denial, don’t blame yourself or feel that you must hurry to overcome it.

Denial is a coping mechanism that both a patient and carer will often use when the patient is diagnosed with terminal cancer. We talk more about this in the Death, dying and bereavement chapter.

 

Other ideas

Consider speaking to your local hospice about the support they can provide to give you some time off from your caring role. Denial can be a useful way of handling the news of a cancer diagnosis, but if it goes on for weeks or months – or causes problems in communication – it can become harmful or a problem.

Macmillan Cancer Voices is an opportunity where you can use your experience to positive effect by sharing your experiences and getting involved. 

A ‘Be good to yourself’ workshop is run by Macmillan that could help you manage negative thinking and improve the way you look after yourself physically and emotionally. Call 020 7091 2010 or email workshops@macmillan.org.uk

 

We have more information about the emotional effects of cancer and about caring for someone with cancer, which you might find helpful.

You might also like to read yesterday's post about relationships when you're caring for someone with cancer, or Tuesday's post about working with professionals.

We'd really like to hear from you if you have any comments or experiences that you can share on these topics -  please comment on this post.

Thank you and take care,

Libby

Anonymous
  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hi Libby,

    I'm new to this site and I became a widower on August 14th.  What kept me going?  I am a keen cyclist and Margaret, my lovely, gorgeous wife, insisted I take part in club events held over the summer.  I have a fantastic support network of cycling buddies in the club and taking my frustrations out on my bike helps a lot. 

    I used to find life extremely difficult and hoped that by some miracle we'd be taken together.  But I am left behind.  I would often fall asleep in the chair next to Margaret, holding her hand, and I'd dream of going on a mammoth bike ride.  I'd imagine what it must be like cycling to, perhaps, Malaga, going to see our nephew.  I can now recognise that I was in total denial and really hoped above all hope that Margaret would get better, that a cure would be found.  But it wasn't to be. 

    Now that the dust is settling and I am coming to terms with my loss, I find writing my thoughts and feelings down.  I have read some of them in the cold light of day and they are a bit heavy, especially the piece about Margaret's final day.  But it does help.

    Bereavement counselling begins on Wednesday and I know it will help a lot, speaking as someone who has had training in counselling.  But nothing will ever fill the void in my life, the person I loved so dearly, my best mate, soul mate and lover all rolled into one.  i just count my blessings that me met, fell in love and had so much fun in what feels like the blink of an eye. 

    I feel better for putting my thoughts here.  Thanks.  Des.

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hello Des,

    I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your wife. 

    Thank you for sharing your experiences and for telling us what helped you at this time. I hope that you find bereavement counselling helpful.

    I just wanted to let you know that we have a group on this Community for people who are coping with the loss of a loved one. You might find that there are people in this group who you could offer you support, or who might find it helpful to hear your experiences. You can find this group here.

    Very best wishes,

    Libby

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hi Libby. I'm very active on the Mac site and it's a great support. I'm finding such difficulty coping with the change that's taken place with my husband's personallity. He finished his chemo and radiotherapy about 3 or 4 weeks ago (throat, mouth and neck lymph node cancer) and is eating normally again, has a lot of his energy back and is feeling like Mr. Invincible. He's chopsy and happy and thinks i should feel the same - but i don't. This journey has been life changing and is ongoing for me as his wife. The personallity change is that he's become selfish, self-absorbed, opinionated. blinkered to any of my needs  and sees only HIS point of view with everything. We've spoken often about this but to no avail. He's right and I'm wrong...end of. I spoke to my GP about it and he just says it's his way of coping. Also he lies to everyone about his cancer, that it was all so insignificant and he's had a wonder cure and it will NEVER come back. I respect this and do understand that this is his way of coping. But the selfish, self-centred attitude he has I'm have great difficulty with. Being pushed aside with no importance being recognised to my needs and what I may want in our day to day life together is hurting and upsetting me terribly. He just WON'T  absorb or acknowledge anything I say. 

    What i want to know is, will this pass and will i get my supportive, caring, considerate, loving, compassionate husband back??

    Zute. 

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hi Zute,

    Thank you for getting in touch. I'm really sorry to hear about all of the problems you've been having. It must be a very difficult time for you. I'm glad that you're finding support within this Community.

    You might find it helpful to talk to someone about how you're feeling. You could call our Cancer Support Specialists on 0808 808 00 00. You could also try to contact Relate. They offer advice and counselling about relationships through their website or by phone on 0300 100 1234.

    I hope that some of this helps and that you continue to find support in this Community.

    Best wishes,

    Libby