The information in this post is written by carers and is about moods and emotions. It covers some of the feelings you might have as a carer of someone with cancer, and the emotions that the person you're caring for might feel.
This advice has been written by other carers of people with cancer and has been taken from our booklet Hello, and how are you? A guide for carers, by carers.
You can download the full booklet and find out more about how Macmillan can help carers. You can also join our carers group to connect with other carers and to share support and advice.
Moods and emotions
‘There were hard times, happy times and hopeful times. Looking back, it was a privilege to have had that year caring for Edward and I wouldn’t have missed it for anything.’
Sylvia
The areas covered are:
You have them too – and they matter! As a carer you are likely to be very aware of the feelings and emotions the person you are caring for is experiencing. The rest of the family and your friends will be thinking about this too.
But it isn’t only the patient who has feelings. People may forget to ask how you are feeling; but your feelings are important and you shouldn’t assume that you must always put them to one side.
There’s no need to apologise or feel guilty that you have strong emotions or moods yourself. It’s only natural, and it’s important that you find ways to express them sometimes, and to find the support and space that you need for yourself.
In this section, we’ve put together some ideas about coping with some of the feelings you and the person you are caring for may come up against.
Patient’s depression
If you are concerned that the patient is depressed, tell a health professional and consider suggesting counselling.
There are things that can help to lift the patient’s spirits, such as relaxation techniques, mood music, books or audio books, having a television in the bedroom, etc.
Visitors can also help to lift the patient’s spirits, or you could encourage the person you are caring for to talk to other people in a similar situation.
Many people find that complementary therapies such as reflexology, massage or aromatherapy can be helpful.
If the patient is experiencing panic attacks it can be helpful to keep a supply of paper bags nearby. Breathing into a paper bag can slow down their breathing and help them feel better.
Take time to sit together as a family and talk about your favourite memories. Remember that you’re not the cause of the depression or anxiety.
Carer’s depression/anxiety
Don’t be afraid of your own emotions – this is a very difficult time and strong and confusing emotions are not unusual. Ask for support whenever you need it.
Take some time out from caring. There is usually help available so the patient isn’t left alone while you recharge.
Ask a good friend to listen to your worries and concerns. Also talk to the person you are caring for about how you are feeling. They may be able to offer you support and may be glad to be asked. Consider speaking to a counsellor too.
Take time out with your friends to relax. Gentle exercise, something like a 10-minute walk, can also help to improve symptoms of depression and anxiety.
Spend some time alone relaxing – take a candle-lit bath, listen to some of your favourite music, treat yourself to some of your favourite foods, etc.
Remaining positive
Try to keep in mind that you are only human and that your best is good enough.
Trying to get the most out of your day personally can help you to remain positive. If you have any spare time to yourself, think about what will give you a boost. It might just be reading a newspaper and having a cup of tea.
Try some activities that divert from the situation. For example, we found it useful to try to carry on with our hobbies and interests where possible.
Continuing to work, if you can, may be a good distraction or release, and it can provide a sense of continuity in your life.
Talking about good times with the patient and not worrying about your current situation can help to lift spirits.
Feel good that you have made a difference to the person you are caring for. Remember that you are doing something very positive by helping to reduce their stress and pain.
At the end of each day try to remember something good you and the patient did together or something that made you both laugh.
Using your experience of cancer to improve services for carers and patients can help you feel more positive. You can find out more about all of the ways you can get involved with Macmillan.
Guilt
Feelings of guilt are a common reaction. Don’t worry if you or the person you are caring for experience these feelings. If you can, try to share your feelings with your family and friends.
Remember, whatever you feel able to do is enough. Try not to feel guilty about having time to yourself – it’s very important and can help you to be a better carer.
Feeling isolated
Try to share your worries with the person you are caring for. Touch and cuddle the patient – a loving touch can work wonders.
Sometimes you may have trouble communicating with the patient but talking to a professional may help.
You could speak to other people affected by cancer on a discussion forum on the internet. You could start by having a look at Macmillan's carers group on this Community.
Fear
Try to understand what it is you are afraid of. We fear the unknown most of all, so the more you can learn about what frightens you, the easier it will be to deal with your situation.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Knowing the facts will often help alleviate fear. Religious and spiritual leaders may be a good source of support and comfort to you.
Anger and frustration
You may not experience anger, but don’t worry if you do find yourself feeling this way as it’s a common reaction. It’s really important to express your feelings as they arise as they may intensify if you try to suppress them.
If you do feel angry, a hobby or a sport where you can release your anger and frustrations may help. You may find it helpful to speak to a friend, counsellor or someone at a support group about the anger you are feeling.
When you are feeling angry or resentful of your situation, it maybe helpful to write things down. Even with members of your family and close friends, it is difficult to fully express how you are feeling.
Patients can sometimes take their anger out on people closest to them. Try not to feel responsible for their emotional turmoil.
Some cancers can affect a patient’s personality, eg lead to them having sudden fits of anger. Speak to a health professional about whether the person you are caring for may be affected in this way.
Carer’s tiredness/exhaustion
Rest whenever you can. Power naps can help to revive you. Relaxation is invaluable. Try a relaxation tape – an hour or so in a state of deep relaxation can make you feel as if you’ve had a long sleep.
It is important to look after yourself by eating extra fruit and vegetables and keeping up your fitness.
Consider having a flu jab. Carers are automatically entitled to one for free. Ask your GP about getting one. Also, don’t neglect your own health – if you get ill, see your doctor as soon as you can.
Denial
In our experience, denying a cancer diagnosis is a normal reaction. However, avoiding the reality of a situation can stop people from doing things that they need to do, like going for treatment or sorting out any money problems.
Denial is not just something the patient may experience, it can also affect you and your family and friends too. If you are in denial, don’t blame yourself or feel that you must hurry to overcome it.
Denial is a coping mechanism that both a patient and carer will often use when the patient is diagnosed with terminal cancer. We talk more about this in the Death, dying and bereavement chapter.
Other ideas
Consider speaking to your local hospice about the support they can provide to give you some time off from your caring role. Denial can be a useful way of handling the news of a cancer diagnosis, but if it goes on for weeks or months – or causes problems in communication – it can become harmful or a problem.
Macmillan Cancer Voices is an opportunity where you can use your experience to positive effect by sharing your experiences and getting involved.
A ‘Be good to yourself’ workshop is run by Macmillan that could help you manage negative thinking and improve the way you look after yourself physically and emotionally. Call 020 7091 2010 or email workshops@macmillan.org.uk
We have more information about the emotional effects of cancer and about caring for someone with cancer, which you might find helpful.
You might also like to read yesterday's post about relationships when you're caring for someone with cancer, or Tuesday's post about working with professionals.
We'd really like to hear from you if you have any comments or experiences that you can share on these topics - please comment on this post.
Thank you and take care,
Libby
Whatever cancer throws your way, we’re right there with you.
We’re here to provide physical, financial and emotional support.
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