Today's post is about relationships when you're caring for someone with cancer.
It's quite a long post, so you perhaps you could get a cup of tea before having a read or just look out for the sections that might be relevant for you.
This advice has been written by other carers of people with cancer and has been taken from our booklet Hello, and how are you? A guide for carers, by carers.
You can download the full booklet and find out more about how Macmillan can help carers. You can also join our carers group to connect with other carers and to share support and advice.
If you have any advice or thoughts on this topic please let us and other carers know by commenting on this blog.
Carers' advice about relationships when you're caring for someone with cancer
‘Caring for my father whilst he was living with cancer helped me to learn to know and love him as a man.’
Mike V
The topics covered are:
Relationships always play a very important part in our lives. We found that when we were caring for someone close to us, our relationships with that person, family members and friends could come under a lot of extra strain. Our relationships also changed and developed, sometimes in very positive ways.
When someone close to you has cancer, you and the people around you will face many situations you are unlikely to have met before.
People have their own ways of coping when faced with a stressful situation; you might see changes in someone’s personality.
Try not to be afraid to tackle any issues with your relationships rather than ignoring them; if your relationships are difficult, it can make the caring role even harder.
We also found that coping with cancer could be an experience that brings people closer together. Relationships that are working well can be a great source of strength - both to the person you are caring for and to you as a carer.
Relationship with the patient
Patients and carers are a partnership. What has an effect on one usually has an impact on the other. You’re not in this on your own.
Try to be prepared for the ups and downs. This is not going to be easy for either of you.
It’s important to still nurture the relationship you had with the patient before their illness. You are still a mother/brother/partner etc. Be positive, supportive and reassuring, but most of all be there for the patient.
Try to be yourself and live as normally as possible. Behaving differently can make the person you are caring for feel more aware of their condition.
It’s important to let the person you are caring for know, when possible, that although you are there to help, they are still in control.
Make a point of asking if the patient needs you to do something. Be careful not to make all the decisions – make sure the patient always has a choice.
Maintaining continuity and a sense of normality in day-to-day life is important, especially when children are involved.
Patience and humour are invaluable, so don’t be afraid to laugh.
Family relationships
It’s important to be aware that your family will have certain ways of doing things. When a family member is seriously ill, these may be affected. If there are already strains and tensions, these can be magnified in a stressful situation.
Don’t be surprised if difficult and emotional situations arise. Be honest with each other about how you are feeling and make sure you give each other space when needed.
Inevitably, as the main carer, you may feel pressured to act as a counsellor for the rest of the family, and possibly others as well. But while it is good to talk, be wary of taking on other people's problems.
Try not to become defined by your caring role alone. Recognise that you may benefit from counselling or support from a professional, or at least talk to someone outside the family. You will have a lot to cope with and it might help to draw up a list of priorities.
Have the courage to say ‘no’ to people when necessary, especially if their request isn’t a priority for you.
If necessary, be prepared to agree boundaries, for example, when and for how long people should visit.
Juggling responsibilities
Sharing responsibilities can help you cope – discuss how you can do this with family members, friends and other carers.
You might need to share out other everyday responsibilities that you no longer have time to take care of. Consider using a rota to show the individual family members’ specific responsibilities and needs.
You may feel reluctant to receive help. Having a list at hand of simple things people can help you with can make it easier to accept support. For example, someone could do some shopping for you, take the kids out for an afternoon, collect prescriptions, etc. Stick the list on the fridge or carry it around with you.
Make sure the patient feels involved. Allow them to take as much responsibility as they are able to for their own care, family issues, finances and other decisions.
Try to be sensitive to feelings and upsets. Take each day and its problems one at a time, and try to keep family life as normal as possible.
Needs of other family members and friends
There may be lots of conflicts of interest among family members and other carers. You won’t be able to please everyone, so don’t try – and don’t worry about it.
However, try as far as possible to include all the carers and family members in important events and decisions. Spending time together and talking openly is important.
Where possible, try to spend time doing everyday things as a family. If there are people that the patient doesn’t want to see, don’t be afraid to tell them it’s not a good time to visit.
Living on your own
Not everyone will have the support of a family or friends when they are caring for someone with cancer. However, there are services and organisations out there that can stop you feeling isolated, and can provide you with someone to talk to about any difficulties you are facing:
Time for yourself
You will need time for yourself, so don’t be afraid to ask for help from friends and family. A local Crossroads scheme may also be able to support you. Even short periods of time to yourself can make a huge difference.
We found it was usually beneficial to accept help and support when it was offered.
However, you may feel that you want to be there all the time, particularly if the person you are caring for is nearing the end of their life. It’s up to you to decide what’s best for you and the person you’re caring for.
Make sure people who offer to help know what is involved, and be specific about how you would like them to help.
Some offers of help may come from people who can’t offer the support you need, or who you or the patient don’t necessarily want to help you at the time. It is okay to turn down offers of help.
Sex and intimacy
If you are caring for your partner, it is normal for your sex life and the way both of you feel about your sexuality to be affected by cancer and its treatment, but sex may be one of the things that brings normality to your lives.
Talking openly with your partner about your sex life can help to lessen any worries and overcome any problems.
Speak to your partner about whether they need time and space to recover from treatment. You may feel that you want to be more attentive with each other and that you have a more active sex life following the patient’s diagnosis.
Touching, kissing and massaging can be a comforting and relaxing way to be intimate with each other. It can also be soothing to touch and stroke the patient’s scars from surgery.
You may need to use condoms for a few days after chemotherapy. Talk to a doctor or nurse about this.
Remember that doctors and nurses will have previously talked to other carers and patients about delicate issues like sex. If you feel comfortable, talk to them about any concerns. They can advise on how cancer and treatment may affect your sex life.
The Macmillan cancer information section has information on living with and after cancer, which includes a section on relationships and communication, covering topics such as sexuality.
You can also call Macmillan’s cancer support specialists for advice and emotional support on 0808 808 00 00.
Symptom transfer
You may have feelings of guilt about a loved one’s pain, and wish you could take their pain away.
Occasionally carers can find themselves getting minor ailments and/or symptoms similar to the person they are caring for – as if the symptoms are transferring themselves from patient to the carer. Be aware that while this is unusual, it can happen. See your GP to make sure there is no actual physical cause for your problem.
I hope you find this information useful. We would really appreciate any feedback or advice that might be helpful for other carers - please comment on this blog.
You can read yesterday's blog post about working with professionals when you're caring for someone with cancer here.
Best wishes,
Libby
