My recent hospital visit brought back some memories as I walked past the Acute Admissions Ward. I thought back to my emergency weekend stay there in July 2010. I've blogged about my diagnosis before but not about this 'incident' which occurred almost immediately prior.
I was well into the 'diagnostic phase', having had all sorts of tests including a liver biopsy. I vividly remember thinking these tests were a 'nuisance', I was far too busy to make the time and I didn't even feel ill. In hindsight, I was fortunate to have had such a thorough bunch of physicians who diagnosed me with metastatic Neuroendocrine Cancer in about 6 weeks 'flash to bang'. I intentionally just used a phrase associated with 'quick' because in the world of Neuroendocrine Cancer, 6 weeks is 'warp speed'.
So why was I admitted to hospital during the diagnostic phase? Basically because I was stupid. In fact I was double-stupid. Firstly, despite having had to undergo a liver biopsy and a referral to an Oncologist, I seemed to be in a dismissive frame of mind and I was blanking out any thought that I actually had cancer. In any case, I didn't have time for it, I was far too busy. Moreover, I'm used to being in control, I didn't give cancer permission to enter my body - therefore it won't be there. Secondly, despite being told to take it easy after the liver biopsy, I ignored that advice because I was far too busy getting on with a normal life. After all, this is just another test hurdle and I'll get the all clear. Other people get Cancer but not me.
On the weekend following the liver biopsy, the family came round, so I decided to do normal things like lifting one of my grandsons up and swinging him around my head (as one does) and I prepared the BBQ which involved lifting a 13.5kg cannister of gas from the garage onto the patio. Why not? I didn't have anything wrong with me and I didn't even feel ill..... the doctors were just being cautious.
However, as that Saturday afternoon progressed so did the pain; and to the point that I knew I had to seek help. To cut a long story short, I was eventually admitted to hospital for what was to be diagnosed as a bleed on my liver at the biopsy site. Oh how the mighty fall.
On the positive side, I got another bunch of tests including scans as confirmation (a second opinion). However, it was the wake up call I needed to take it seriously. I was discharged on the Monday in time for my very first Oncology appointment with my wife Chris in attendance. For the first time, we were officially told I had Cancer - it was more than just a 'scare'. For me, the denial was over, indicating that I was never actually in control of what was happening to me.
Finally some food for thought ...... In hindsight, I made the serious mistake of not talking to anyone about my denial and I suspect that led to me acting stupidly.
It really is OK talk about Cancer
Ronny
p.s. I'm now slightly mellower about Cancer :-) You might say I'm back in control?
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